I think people hate me and I think I know why

[Moodymaree]

i just realised today maybe people don’t like me (or I perceive they don’t like me) because I might come across really moody? Obviously mumsnet cannot diagnose me over a post I know! But what do the rest of you think below are some things I’ve noticed:

I get stressed quite quickly and I get anxious. I do have childhood trauma which makes me hyper vigilant. Today for example was first day of secondary and I saw a mum from DS’s primary school and asked the mum if I could take a pic of boys (they are really good friends and best friends so not random boy I found on the way to school!) I took a pic of them and DS gave the widest, cutest and cheesiest smile he’s ever done! and I commented why couldn’t you smile like that this morning?! He looked really sulky in the pictures I took at home. I asked his friend Fred if I could just get a pic of DS alone now. The mum yanked Fred and said let’s go here I want a picture here. I realised I might have sounded rude? I really didn’t mean to. I have extreme anxiety and wanted to get out of there quickly.

Then the class went for coffee and I know I should have waited for Fred’s mum but she seemed busy so I walked down with the other mums - I don’t know them btw I only know Fred’s mum as our boys were only ones to move to the school from primary.

I feel really guilty she must think I’m rude and I think part of me does want her to hate me as I rather superficial friendships rather than meaningful ones as I feel unable to have real friendships due hi my trauma.

I really don’t want sympathy for my childhood I only wrote it for context but do you all think I just come across moody? I e seen my reflection suddenly sometimes and I do look moody and miserable! How can I change it? As I’m getting older it seems worse, maybe Botox!!!!

All sounds fine you wanted a separate picture she wanted a separate picture. You went off with the other mums to get coffee, did Fred's mum follow eventually or did she need to leave? Why do you think she hates you? You and her are not joined at the hip and it doesn't sound like you were rude anyway. I would have assumed it was a joke that your son wouldn't pose nicely for a picture at home typical kids really. I think you are catastrophising trivial things.

Honestly it can be a bit exhausting being around people so sensitive to rejection/overthinking every interaction. I have a friend like this and much as I love her, I find myself having to tread so carefully around her because she will seize on totally insignificant things and create a narrative around them that involves her being left out or disliked. I have to weigh my words carefully a lot of the time.

Agreed!

Some people must lead very sheltered lives if they think the OP was being rude or nasty to her son with that comment.

The OP is already severely anxious and fretting about her interactions, so it is extremely unhelpful to try and make her feel guilty over a completely normal and lighthearted comment between mother and son.

There’s nothing to suggest the OP is outwardly demonstrating any types of behaviour that would make others ‘tread carefully’ around her.

She is describing what she is feeling in her head.

Which I can see is classic worrying, overthinking and anxiety, when you’re obsessing over other people’s perception of if you’re coming across in a negative way, when in reality they don’t notice anything negative at all.

Have you considered you might be neurodivergent? You can start with simple quizzes online for autism and ADHD - if either/both of those resonate, you can research further and speak to your GP.

Lots of women are getting diagnosed in adulthood now cos of greater awareness about how neurodivergence presents in females, so girls have been massively under-diagnosed in the past. This may or may not apply to you, but no harm in finding out.

And yet several posters have said that seeing someone berate a child who is probably nervous on his first day at secondary for being insufficiently smiley would make them back off.

What on earth? My DD was always sulky on photos for me and smiling for others - too right I would point it out to her! You don’t sound like you were rude to your son at all, just having a bit of a joke with him.

Tbh OP I think you’re overthinking this encounter. I think Fred’s mum was the rude one, yanking Fred away and saying she wanted a photo here. It’s perfectly ok for you to want a photo of your DS with Fred and then on his own. If you overthink too much it will make you cautious and anxious. Just try to be relaxed, pleasant and friendly with people, I know it can be hard. A smile goes a long way though.

It’s the fact that I haven’t led a sheltered life that helps me recognise it for what it is.

I can't understand why you were walking your son to secondary school? Wouldn't he have been embarrassed?

Who cares if they don't like you, just be polite say hello if they say it to you and keep walking. Who'd want friends as shallow as that. Just get on with your own life. My friend/land lady has a friend that cant stand me for whatever reason, I certainly don't lose sleep over it, I just ignore her,why would I want to get into conversation with someone that doesn't like me

why couldn’t you smile like that this morning?

11 year old me would have felt sad and unsupported if my mum had said that on my first day of secondary school.

I think you are more likely to come over as tense or hard to read, rather than moody. You seem to have a loud internal monologue going on which might distance you from other people.
It doesn't sound as if you did anything wrong re Fred and his mum, BTW. She may not have given it another thought.

I’m a bit confused. What did you do wrong this morning?

Thats not really true. Of course you can retrain the muscles of your face. People do it all the time when learning a new language. OP could absolutely decide to retrain herself from resting bitch face to welcoming and open face.

EMDR is proven to help even if you don’t want to spend ages talking. It’s quite physical and gets to the root safely helping smooth out extreme emotional reactions. I found it very helpful. Not perfect but edges smoothed I think.

Do not agree with this at all. I am relatively well balanced and I find it tedious that I am expected to put up with inconsistency and someone being a dick because I am chilled.
I will only tolerate so much because I am well balanced. I will not spend time with someone who is unpleasant just to take one for the team.
People who tolerate the bad behaviour of others are often people pleasers with their own issues.
Well balanced people have boundaries built in, I can sense trouble a mile off and back off immediately. I have no time for it.

From your post it seems like you possibly need to put school mum friendships on the back burner and focus on whether your negativity could be affecting your DS. If the lads were having a good time together it would have been more appropriate to wait until they moved apart themselves rather than awkwardly calling your son away. Putting him down when he was smiling wasn't fair on him either. I don't think botox is the answer.

Very unlikely people hate you. Most people will be ambivalent toward you at best - no one is that interesting to others :)

When I read your interaction with your ds, Fred and Fred's Mum, I thought it was starting primary. When I realised it was secondary, I winced. Give your ds a bit of credit for not snapping at you there and walking off with Fred!

What Fred's mum was probably thinking was something along the lines of "oh good, he's met a friend, now they'll go in together and we can walk in for coffee - I'm glad as I don't know many people either."

Then rather than you thinking similarly, you dismissed her and sent them on, so she's probably thinking you don't like Fred and hoping ds makes new friends.

Try and phrase things positively.
"That's a great photo. Can I get one of you on your own, ds? Then we can walk in together."

Have you tried DBT? Not a talking therapy but looks to support you in emotion regulation, negative pattern recognition etc. You can usually get a free group course (you do a course to learn the techniques) via the NHS if you check your GP website? You can usually self-refer?

By DD has been doing one and it has been really helpful for her (AuDHD with significant emotional dysregulation and Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria [RSD]).

I’d also look at RSD on line and follow links to techniques and tools to manage it, as what you describe sounds like you assuming YOU were being rejected, when maybe mum just wanted to get her DS into school having noticed it was getting late. It’s easy to attribute other people’s actions and behaviours to ourselves but life has finally taught me that we are mere blips on their radar and don’t have any significance to them at all.

I’ve never thought of it like this but you’re spot on.

Do smiley face excercises and ot might lift your face a bit

A mum telling her smiling son “Why didn’t you smile like that this morning” isn’t berating him. Good lord 🤣🤣