AIBU to keep my sister’s former dog after she moved back?

[WatchTheStormTouchDown]

I’ve name changed as this is a very outing situation. I wasn’t sure whether to post in the dog house but opted for here.

My sister moved abroad 7 months ago due to her husband’s work. They were originally moving for 3 years but my sister didn’t settle there so they’ve split up and my sister has come back with her children.

When they were planning to leave, they asked if we would look after their dog temporarily for the 3 years and they would have him back when they returned. We thought it over and said we would only take the dog if it was permanent. We knew our children would get attached to the dog and didn’t want them being upset when the dog had to be returned. They looked at other options but eventually agreed, reluctantly. Microchip/ownership was changed over to us and we pay all costs.

My sister is now back much sooner than planned with her kids and they’ve asked for the dog back. He is our dog now and completely settled in with us. We would all be heartbroken to not have him.

My whole family is piling on guilt and pressure for us to give the dog back. They’re using the kids to emotionally manipulate and saying my sister has enough on her plate with the split and having her dog back would help the children settle back home. They’re also saying that as the dog has only been with us for 7 months, we should give him back as it’s not long enough for him to have settled. My niece and nephew are upset but that isn’t surprising with moving countries, being without their dad and now moving back all within a few months.

We don’t intend to give him back. He isn’t a toy to be passed around when people change their minds and plans change and he has a great life with us. If we don’t give him back, I think it will cause a permanent rift in our family. Are we being unreasonable to keep the dog because we can’t give him up? I don’t believe it’s in his best interests anyway.

That applies to the dog as well though.

As I said before, it comes back to whether your would prioritise a dog over your niece and nephew. And that’s where people differ.

See my reply above!

Keep the dog. If she really cared for the dog she’d leave them with their new family.

Should OP prioritise her niece and nephew over her own kids too?

Did you legally change ownership of the dog?
With the electronic system (Icad?) up to date with your new ownership details?
if not I think you’re on shaky ground. Personally I would try and explain amicably your reasoning and win her round; if you don’t, how on earth is she going to come round to the house etc? Awkward to say the least.

Did you get that other dog to strengthen your case of keeping your sister's? If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you at least ask for it back?

If you keep it expect her not to get over it quickly because she's probably deeply regretting her decision and this adds yet another reason to feel terrible.

I'd return the dog - it's not about being in the right but doing the right thing and the dog will be fine. Its affection and presence will be a huge help, especially because it's been there before things went south with her relationship. At least your sister probably got in her head that getting the dog back puts things right a little. You seem to have made your mind up but think what you'd want in that moment if the roles were reversed.

I feel like I am making circular arguments and repeating myself now! I feel like the children with a stable home have a better chance of coping.

But it isn’t a matter of prioritising the dog over anyone. It’s prioritising the dog, full stop. It’s not a toy, and its purpose in life isn’t to provide comfort to others at the expense of its’ own. Linking it to the well being of the niece and nephew is emotional blackmail and clouds the facts.

All dogs have been bought or acquired at some point for the owners’ gain surely. The dogs don’t make a decision about this.

no way should she have the dog to make her feel better. She should be asking, what can I offer a dog? The answer to that currently is nothing.
the dog stays with you

Even though they have already lost a dog before and this dog joined their family not long afterwards? It would be very hard for them to go through that again.

As I said, either way it is going to end up with very upset kids unfortunately.

OP said in her opening post that a change of ownership was registered, and that she paid the costs. If the dog is legally hers I don’t see that there’s much to be done. Personally I think that as a responsible owner OP is doing the right thing. Here sisters’ life is chaotic and I don’t think it would be fair to to the dog to take it from a stable home environment just to please other people.

I am not saying it would be easy. But with love and support from their parents they have a reasonable chance of making it through.

Anyway, I am always going to see it differently to those who see dogs as equivalent to people on here. I don’t expect anyone to change their mind.

I could be wrong but I don't think it's the niece or nephew that seem that upset about the dog. They sound upset at the move.

Any mention OP makes of interactions with the dog are about the sister trying to get the dog to like her again. The kids don't seem that involved. There haven't been posts saying the niece and nephew have asked for the dog back.

See below as an example:

He has seen them 3 times. The first time he was a little excited for a minute and then went back to lie on the sofa with our other dog. The second time he stayed in the garden and wouldn’t go to her when she called him as he was playing with my son and other dog. The third time she tried to take him on a walk and he wouldn’t leave the house without my husband.

I think it would be really smart if you both agreed to share the dog 🤣 all kids will be happy. No big fall out. And you can both book holidays, and trips etc knowing that doggo is safe, looked after and loved. My dog is 7. He is my favourite child. I have no sisters. But I would love knowing that if/when I want to go on holiday he is being showered with affection by people who love him as much as I do.

How old are the kids in this scenario.

I don’t think dogs ever forget their owners. Your sister and kids had him from when he was a puppy. Their bond with him will be much stronger than yours. I’d be inclined to give this one back and explain to your kids that they can pick their own dog if they enjoyed having one.

Well ....
Having had a huge fall out in my family ,where I lost the whole of one side of my family..
My advice would be to think how much of an impact this will have on wider family members
If there is any chance at all ,that they will cut you of over this ,I'd definitely give the dog back
Because I'm sure it would be more upsetting to loose half your family than a dog .
But that's my take on it , because obviously I lost my family..and this was 40 years ago ..and no going back sadly for me.
But my family was obviously very dysfunctional...and hopefully yours is normal op ,and they won't cut you-all of x

Agree. But as a responsible owners will put their dogs’ welfare first. And being passed around as some sort of comfort toy isn’t in it’s best interests.

OP's sisters kids will also make it through with love and support.

Dogs do recognise people after a long time, so he probably will recognise them, but most foster/rescues I've known settle into their new home in a few days. If he goes back to her, he might just be waiting for the next time she decides to dump him. It's a shame for her kids, but they already lost him due to her, and they need to learn a living animal isn't a disposable item to pass around. And one set of kids is going to get hurt anyway.

YANBU

If I was in your position, I wouldn't give the dog back either.

You set clear expectations that if you took the dog, it was your dog. It became your dog the second she handed it over.

I think commenters are being very harsh. Even if she had come back after a week, she wouldn't be getting it back from me. I couldn't have given any of my dogs back after a day, never mind seven months.

Regardless of the circumstances that led to the move, she chose to not take the dog and that's on her.

Give your pup lots of squishes from me.

Yes. I guess we don’t really know about the niece and nephew. I imagine the dog is quite confused too.

she asked if you would look after the dog temporarily. ok, it turned out to be months rather than the years you had originally anticipated, but it was always the intention that the dog would go back to her. now you've reneged on the agreement and you're putting pressure on her at a bad time, not to mention the emotional blackmail of using your own children's love for the dog as a bargaining chip. give the dog back and get one of your own.

I would just say no. You agreed to take him on the condition that it was permanent. Your kids are attached, the dog is happy and you are not willing to put them through the upset of losing him.