AIBU to keep my sister’s former dog after she moved back?

[WatchTheStormTouchDown]

I’ve name changed as this is a very outing situation. I wasn’t sure whether to post in the dog house but opted for here.

My sister moved abroad 7 months ago due to her husband’s work. They were originally moving for 3 years but my sister didn’t settle there so they’ve split up and my sister has come back with her children.

When they were planning to leave, they asked if we would look after their dog temporarily for the 3 years and they would have him back when they returned. We thought it over and said we would only take the dog if it was permanent. We knew our children would get attached to the dog and didn’t want them being upset when the dog had to be returned. They looked at other options but eventually agreed, reluctantly. Microchip/ownership was changed over to us and we pay all costs.

My sister is now back much sooner than planned with her kids and they’ve asked for the dog back. He is our dog now and completely settled in with us. We would all be heartbroken to not have him.

My whole family is piling on guilt and pressure for us to give the dog back. They’re using the kids to emotionally manipulate and saying my sister has enough on her plate with the split and having her dog back would help the children settle back home. They’re also saying that as the dog has only been with us for 7 months, we should give him back as it’s not long enough for him to have settled. My niece and nephew are upset but that isn’t surprising with moving countries, being without their dad and now moving back all within a few months.

We don’t intend to give him back. He isn’t a toy to be passed around when people change their minds and plans change and he has a great life with us. If we don’t give him back, I think it will cause a permanent rift in our family. Are we being unreasonable to keep the dog because we can’t give him up? I don’t believe it’s in his best interests anyway.

I offered this because she is crying on the phone every day telling me she can’t do anything and isn’t coping at all. I’m not making her move, but I can’t help with the things she’s saying she can’t do when I am too far away to help her. When she saying she wants to give up and can’t do it anymore, my instinct is to scoop her up, bring her here and look after her until she is stronger. If she doesn’t want that, that’s fine, but she’ll have to cope then.

😮

OP, based on this sort of response, I think you've made the right decision ignoring the posters telling you to give the dog back.

The sister chose to trust her sister over the other 'alternatives' so yes, I'd say it does suit the 'narrative' according to the OPs own family.

7 months is not long compared to 3.5 years, and the dog would fit back in very quickly with their family as they are not strangers to them. We are only getting your side of the story here, and I am sure things are not quite as bleak as you are making out to justify your decision, but then you don't seem to particularly like your sister and assume that you know better. As long as you are happy with the family fallout from your choice years down the road, then carry on.

If the dog is used to the company of another dog now, and a lot more company through the day, I think he needs to stay with you.

Its got to be about what is best for him, given he can’t really understand the situation.

It's very evident there is jealousy here and more to the story. OP wants the dog, I'm assuming because it's purebred and lovely, and is using her sisters vulnerability to justify abhorrent behaviour.

Trust her sister with the dog she gave to her. It's done and her sister needs to accept that it can't be undone just because things didn't work out.

I mean, I think the OP should return the dog.

And I think she is judging her sister, whatever she says:
It isn’t my fault that the decisions my sister makes don’t prioritise her children and dog. We make decisions that’s are best for our children and dogs, always have and always will.

But I don’t think this is anything at all
to do with the breed of dog?

The dog has given you the answer. If he wanted to go with her, her visits would have been different. He has accepted his new home and everyone should respect that.

Because the dog is settled and I was very clear with my sister that I would not put my children through the deliberate loss of another dog. She said she understood and chose to give her dog to us instead of taking up other options. I didn’t ask to have her dog, she approached me. It is not in the dogs best interests to go back now though, he is settled, has more company and a dog friend.

Yes, she will. And she doesn't want to be scooped up, which is completely fair and understandable.

I have moved a family to another country and I can say that even under the best circumstances, with a stable family unit, it's absolutely traumatising for the kids. It takes at least a year (and more often longer) for them to adapt. These kids haven't even had a full year. They must have emotional whiplash. I can't imagine how awful it must be for them to see their cousins having their pet. I'd give them back their dog.

It's hard as standard poodles are amazing dogs and I can totally see how for her and her children it seems like the best thing to have him back. I also see your point of view that it won't really be best for her as it will just add to the load and they do need plenty of walking and grooming. For the dog also, they are a sensitive breed, to be moved and have settled and then move again could be intensely unsettling for him.
what are your sister's main objections to moving closer to family?

Your sister needs to get her kids a new dog. As long as she is going to provide it with a stable home, of course. Its basically an adoption. That's your dog.

This seems like one of those threads where you expected everyone to agree with you, then when they didn't, you bent over backwards with drip-feeds in an attempt to win people over.

Even for MN, your drip-feeds read as exceptionally biased, bordering on implausible. I'd like to hear the sister's side of this because I expect it would be quite different.

Look, the whole situation sucks for everyone involved. You don't want to give the dog back (which is totally understandable) but you're also giving an impression of being desperate (and gleeful) to get one up on your sister, and it's coming across as quite vicious.

And yet there is no evidence that OP is anything but supportive of her sister. The fact that she, and the rest of their family thought the move was a bad one doesn’t alter that. The abhorrent behaviour here is Dsis giving her sister the dog and then asking for it back for no good reason. OP has said the dog is a poodle - the rest is your assumption and now it’s reaching into the realms of fantasy.

I initially voted YABU but after the updates I think YANBU. Do what is best for the dog, that seems to be staying with your family. It must be hard for your sister though.

Brilliantly stated.

I’ve read every one of OP’s posts and I just don’t get this impression. And I don’t think that the additional information OP has given can be termed as drip feeds - if she’d included all of this in the original post we’d still all be reading !!

Haven't read the full thread but my sister and her ex share their dog. Could yous not maybe compromise like that then everyone gets to have him? It works well for them and the dog is looked after really well in both households and the dog is happy.

that's nice, luvey!

So her children's distress is more relevant to extended family than your own children's distress?
Obviously her kids are going through a lot but I don't think you are unreasonable in prioritising your own kids and the dog.

I'd put the dog's best interests first 😬

Absolutely. My first response was to wonder whether the poster was back at school this week and bored out of their skull.

I don't get that impression either.

I also hate drip feeding and haven't seen any of that. OP has answered questions unless that is considered drip feeding now?