AIBU to keep my sister’s former dog after she moved back?

[WatchTheStormTouchDown]

I’ve name changed as this is a very outing situation. I wasn’t sure whether to post in the dog house but opted for here.

My sister moved abroad 7 months ago due to her husband’s work. They were originally moving for 3 years but my sister didn’t settle there so they’ve split up and my sister has come back with her children.

When they were planning to leave, they asked if we would look after their dog temporarily for the 3 years and they would have him back when they returned. We thought it over and said we would only take the dog if it was permanent. We knew our children would get attached to the dog and didn’t want them being upset when the dog had to be returned. They looked at other options but eventually agreed, reluctantly. Microchip/ownership was changed over to us and we pay all costs.

My sister is now back much sooner than planned with her kids and they’ve asked for the dog back. He is our dog now and completely settled in with us. We would all be heartbroken to not have him.

My whole family is piling on guilt and pressure for us to give the dog back. They’re using the kids to emotionally manipulate and saying my sister has enough on her plate with the split and having her dog back would help the children settle back home. They’re also saying that as the dog has only been with us for 7 months, we should give him back as it’s not long enough for him to have settled. My niece and nephew are upset but that isn’t surprising with moving countries, being without their dad and now moving back all within a few months.

We don’t intend to give him back. He isn’t a toy to be passed around when people change their minds and plans change and he has a great life with us. If we don’t give him back, I think it will cause a permanent rift in our family. Are we being unreasonable to keep the dog because we can’t give him up? I don’t believe it’s in his best interests anyway.

OP you are just going to get a load of nonsense comments on this thread and its just going to wind you up. Commonsense is you keep the dog. He's your family now. Your sister needs to sort her own life out and when she has she can rescue another dog.

Giving people want they want, or what they think they want, isn't always in their best interests. It is in no one's best interests that the dog is returned.

if you let someone care for your dogs for 7 months, and went backpacking around the world, would you expect to get home and be told that you can't have them back? Abso-fucking-lutely I would! Any dog owner who goes on 7-month backpacking jolly instead of caring for their dog doesn't deserve to have one.

While you do, or at least claim you do on an anonymous site, I am not sure you should be working with dogs.

But it's not been 3 years. Dsis didn't like the arrangement from the beginning but was pressured into it by someone, I believe, who just wanted to claim they had a standard poodle to add to their home.

I bet the dog is beautiful and OP admired it for awhile and saw this as an opportunity to gain from the situation. It sounds exploitative and, obviously, her own family thinks so hence why they've made the comments and the risk of the rift is imminent.

Saying over and over, 'the dog isn't a toy,' doesn't justify what OP is doing. We all know that. It's a ploy to silence people who know what she's doing is out of order. But, as I said, we and the family see/sense that there is more to the story and so no sale!

That's your take on it. Clearly not hers. And unless she has a history of being a terrible irresponsible person and parent, she might not like other people telling her what she needs. I added this to my last post, which might have happened after you read it:

Their father has prioritised staying abroad for a job over his wife's unhappiness and allowed his marriage to dissolve. Your sister seems to be being painted as quite the villain in this tale. It doesn't sound like you've ever tried to move a family to another country, but it's a hugely trying and destabilising experience. The kids will be having a hugely hard time, moving, the family splitting up, moving back. Where's the compassion for them?

The sister is an adult coping with a miserable situation. Perhaps she doesn't want to move into the OP's house and be treated like a child who has made themself ill by stealing too much ice cream?

Our dog would be lonely and I’m not going to do that to him

Come on, you’re scrabbling frantically here! I completely understand that you love your sister’s dog, but morally it is not your dog. Your whole family think you should give it back. I know it will be upsetting for you, but your sister has had the dog from when it was a puppy and for the majority of its life.

I can see that you want to keep the dog, but I now think you’re having a pang of consciousness too - and rightly so. Your sister is upset, your niece and nephew are upset, and your family are telling you to give the dog back.

It’s only been a few months. You clearly love your dog. Can you not see how your sister and niece and nephew love theirs ? Do a staged handover, if that helps, but give them their dog back.

the scorn and judgement for your sister is pretty horrible. regardless of what the wider family thought, she made decision for her marriage and her children to TRY being abroad and you forced her hand for ownership.

And now suggesting she can't because she's a single mother? with a sister like you, who needs enemies???

I wouldn’t give it back. Well I wouldn’t be in this position as I wouldn’t have taken it in the first place. But the dog has been rehomed and he’s yours now. Tough on your sister and nieces/nephews but I wouldn’t be prioritising their feelings over my own kids.

I was unsure when I read the OP but, after reading all your updates, I think the dog should stay with you. Your sister has enough to deal with and is already struggling to cope. Sounds like a dog is the last thing she needs. I understand why she wants him back on an emotional level but it doesn't seem practical just now.

Have you said to her the things you have said on here e.g. asked her how she will manage with work, pointed out that the dog will be alone a lot with her but not with you etc? I think you need to be open and honest about your reasons for keeping him. Yes it's sad for her kids but they already said goodbye when they gave the dog up to move away. They never expected to have him back. It's not as though you are taking him away again.

Too many people take on dogs when they are ill equipped to care for them. I have friends who are currently trying to re-home a collie because they can't cope with her. It was obvious as soon as they got her that she wasn't a good fit for their lifestyle. Your sister needs to focus on herself and her kids. Now is not the time to be taking on a demanding pet.

I’m totally with you on this OP. I have a dog and when I first got him, I understood I’d need to make sacrifices to be able to have him. Your sister doesn’t seem to feel the same way and was willing to sacrifice her dog (to the point of transferring ownership completely) so that she and the rest of her family could leave the country. And that’s fine… just don’t have a dog!! It’s clear that dog isn’t really seen as a member of their family and is seemingly disposable when it suits.
You knew this situation would likely occur and took precautions to save yourself, your kids and the dog from further distress and upheaval. Your sister agreed. It’s evident you think way more of the dog’s contentment and security than your sister did. Keep the doggo, he’s happy and settled and with people looking out for his best interests - I’m sure your sister will bring another disposable/replaceable dog into her home which she can then get rid of as and when it suits.
As for the rift this will likely cause, I’m not sure how you deal with that and it’s a shame it came to this considering you were trying to help both your sister and the dog at that time. You had an agreement. Your sister is not holding up her side. This isn’t your fault. YANBU. Hope you can get things smoothed out between you and the family.

Yep, we've gone into crazy territory 😮

Couldn't agree more. This is really strange.

Why don’t you suggest revisiting this in three months.

Your sister and her children are going through a massive upheaval and probably want to cling on to some sense of familiarity. When reality sets in, she may come to the conclusion her lifestyle isn’t really suitable for a dog. Equally you might see that the dog would be happy with her.

I’d try not to go into a full battle about it. Family estrangements cause a lot of pain.

OP hasn’t said a single word as to why her sisters’ marriage has broken down - you’re making assumptions as to the reasons. And I don’t see OP painting her sister as a villain in any of her posts - quite the opposite in fact. And I agree moving to another country is a very destabilising experience - but there’s no reason on earth that the dog should be destabilised from its home environment on their return.

The dog isn’t a comfort toy for the children. It’s an animal with feelings and attachments - not least to another dog with which it’s bonded and will inevitably fret for if separated. The children will no doubt have learned a few life lessons over the last few months - the latest one of which will be that you can’t make other people miserable just because you’re miserable yourself.

Exactly. Maybe she can't just move miles away as she works.

Do you think I care what you say to me about my opinion? Why don't you address the OP instead of trying to harangue people for the opinions they asked for? Find a hobby, perhaps? Crochet? Introspective counselling?

That's how it works on a chat forum, you give your opinion and someone else gives an opinion on your opinion.

I think you would be good at fan fiction.

Why is it strange to think that it’s not in the animals’ best interests to remove it from a stable and happy home where it has the company of other humans all day and another dog with which it’s bonded, only to put it into a chaotic environment where it’s owner’s life is in upheaval and it will be alone a lot of the time ? How does this help anything that’s going on now ?

Do you think that if OP’s sister went to a rehoming centre and was honest about her present home situation they would even think of letting her have a dog ?

That's great @nomas. Anything else you want to share about yourself to someone who couldn't give a toss?

I didn't share anything about myself...

I think you’ve found your hobby - fiction novelist.

OP's sister had other options available so it doesn't suit your narrative really. She also could've made arrangements to take the dog with her, of course it is stressful and expensive but some people do it so they can keep their pet.

The time doesn't matter. OP's sister gave her the dog when OP made it clear she would only take it on a permanent basis.

There is going to be a rift no matter what happens as OP's sister shouldn't have asked for the dog back in the first place knowing what the agreement was and shouldn't have involved family members to pressure OP.

If you read the OP’s updates she’s already said Dsis will have to move as she can’t afford the family home on her own and can’t afford to stay in the area. OP is offering practical help and support to the point of opening up her own home to her sister and her family. But because she won’t ’give their dog back’ for some posters she will now be wrong about everything. Pathetic.