AIBU to feel put out by my daughter's changed school run request?

[Helcarlol]

Hi all, so my DD has 2 DDs who are 2 and 4. Her eldest started primary 1 this year and last year my DD went back to work super part time as a peripatetic music instructor in schools. She works exclusively within school hours.
Last year she did 2 full days a week and I provided childcare on one and her MIL the other. This year she has opted to put her youngest in nursery for most of her hours and eldest is obviously in school.
She asked if on the two days where she starts earlier could I come over and walk the girls to school/nursery, I only live 10 minutes walk away and she is less than 10 to the school so I agreed, I don’t work those days anyway.

So far I’ve been going round for about 8, leaving with the girls around 8:30, DD leaves at the same time.

I also collect them one day a week but she is home for around 3:20 so I don’t have them for long.

This evening she has messaged me asking if tomorrow I can aim to arrive closer to 8:25/30, so she can just leave for work as soon as I arrive and I can leave to take the children to school. This has annoyed me, so far all I’ve been doing is helping with the girls getting ready, making myself a cup of tea etc, and I’ve enjoyed that little bit of extra time with them as otherwise I only see them once a week for 2 hours.

AIBU to think this is rude and unnecessary?

Yeah it seems that half think the gran (OP) is being rude and annoying, and the other half think the mum is really rude and ungrateful!

I feel it's somewhere in between, but I tend to see the daughter's side more. OP needs to be a bit more sensitive to how her daughter probably feels stressed in the mornings.... also OP needs to understand more how her daughter clearly wants to guard her 'family time' (as in family unit of parents and kids). Sad as it might be when our kids grow up, their new household does become their main family. Hosting your mum for dinner once a week is pretty good though, so OP should appreciate that!

Hi OP,
Can I ask a question? Why haven't you said anything to defend your daughter when complete strangers have insulted her parenting, insulted her, and called her a brat and a cow?
This thread is dead giveaway that you don't like her, so if I can tell that from just a few posts of yours, then she probably knows it too.

I love the way the word 'boundaries' is used as an excuse to be rude, ungracious, and ungrateful.

Grandmother doesn't owe daughter skivvy duty. How dare she talk when she's only there to perform duties for her daughter.

Start saying no @Helcarlol, she's very rude to expect you to act like a walking taxi.

It’s very clear from the responses here that whether you are or are not being unreasonable divides option fairly evenly. As we only know your side, there’s no way of knowing: it could be that your daughter finds you’re holding her up or that she’s feeling judged by you and therefore stressed about things being a certain way or it could be that she really is just being ungrateful, who knows? What really matters is how you choose to respond to this and what you therefore get out of it. Some posters are suggesting you confront her and tell her to do it herself etc, but it sounds like you then get even less time with the children, which isn’t what you want. Perhaps accepting that this is what she needs at this stage will help keep the lines of communication open and allow a discussion either now or at a later date about perhaps having a bit more quality time together? The short morning runs and a midweek meal might be as much as she can offer now - whether that feels acceptable to anyone else or not - but that still means you’re getting to see the family a fair bit and she might feel more open to things if she feels that you’re working with her; when things feel less hectic; or if she feels more open to relaxing the reins a bit as they get older.

Reclaim your morning, OP. Have a nice coffee in bed and start your day quietly instead of rushing over to do something so small it shouldn't be hard for your DD to do it herself.

Have you told your DD that you enjoy the time with the kids? She may find it irritating having someone around when she's trying to get ready, but she also has to be willing to do some give and take, especially since you're doing her the favour.

I think she is unreasonable. Sounds a bit possessive of them.

The thing is, if you want to be able to direct the help to your specifications, you need to hire someone. When we had three little ones and DH and I were scrambling with full on jobs and hectic mornings, that's what we did.

If someone's doing you a favour, you might have to accept that two mornings a week you spend 25 minutes in a way that's not perfect as far as you're concerned. If that extra 50 minutes a week is disturbing to her, she needs to make other arrangements.

I don’t think she realises how lucky she is to have a mum who wants to help out and wants to see her grandchildren more. So many threads on here from posters saying grandparents have no interest and how they have no help or support and everyone claps back and says well they’ve had their kids, it’s not their responsibility etc. I would just carry on being helpful as you don’t want to rock the boat but hopefully she’ll come to realise one day!

I think a bit of self reflection may be needed..

I would not mind my mum there doing those last little bits. But if it was my mil I know she would be more bother than actual help and would irritate me.

So maybe rather than telling you something that might upset you, she has tried to tactfully ask you to just turn up when everyone is ready to go.

I don’t know why you are making such a big deal about it. You don’t like how she parents fine. But she sounds like she simply wants to be involved and active in their lives. Nothing wrong with that

For any Still Game fans, this is reminding me very much of when Jack & Victor happily accept the lovely Christmas meal that Isa provides for free and cooks for them, but they go out of their way to avoid having to spend a second longer talking to her than it takes for her to hand over the plates... which they then afterwards leave dirty on her front doormat (appropriate word) for her to collect and wash up.

Maybe she will

Sounds to me like she just wants that little quality half hour with her girls before she has to go to work and be away from them all day. Or maybe the girls have said they just want her to do their hair because they miss their mummy during the day. I know it’s hard and you’re helping them a lot, but You do sound very self focussed on how much time you get , rather than what’s best for her family unit for that half hour.

A bit this.
You sound like her unpaid staff.

Hmm I kind of agree really, I’d say to her OP that you like having a little bit of time with them. You’re a granny, not a nanny! If she wants just a child minder arrangement let her pay for one 🤷‍♀️ my kids are grown now but it really used to rip my knitting when people who got free childcare off parents still bloody moaned about it

Oh come off it she only works 2 bloody days a week.

She can probably tell that you prefer your son, and his way of doing things.

id just text back

Im finding this really sad, I was enjoying the little bit of extra time I get to see my grandchildren. It would be nice if I could see them and send 30 minutes with them before school. Can I ask what the problem is?

And what did the wee old lady in George Square call them - “a couple of using bastards”

I don’t think I’d like her very much either, she sounds like a right fucking pain in the arse, given how OP has posted.

Well this is your bargaining chip, once a month you have them for the afternoon & evening. You could put them to bed at DDs and babysit of they want to go out.

Perhaps you need to point out that you seem good enough to use for childcare but you aren’t good enough to get any proper social time with them beyond eating a meal together.

Did your DD spend much/any time in the care of her grandparents?

Alternatively invest your time with the other set of grandchildren. I so wish any of the grandparents had wanted to build a relationship with our children.

Very weird take.

I would expect a son or daughter to be more friendly to a grandparent who is helping out.

Of course she should be grateful, everyone should be grateful when someone gives them a hand.

honestly your probably throwing off the dynamic and not realising. She is asking kindly and hoping that you will understand and not cause a fuss. Take it or leave it. She is trying not to hurt your feelings

If DD is around to pick her children up or drop them off she wants to do it, if they have a hobby she wants to be the one to take them etc. She has been like this since they were tiny,

The way you have written this, implies that she is odd to want to do this.
I worked FAR more hours than your dd does, but it was still important to me to be involved if my dc were doing a hobby (though how many hobbies 2 and 4 year olds are doing, I am not sure).

This comment and the other one about her "being snooty" and being the only one in the family to have been to university are really giving me vibes that you don't like your dd. Also, counting the 'hours' you see the dgc each week and even being aware of the hours their other grandmother sees them comes across as very odd to me.

I think she is being pretty generous to invite you over for dinner EVERY week. At that stage in life, it wasn't something I ever had the spare energy for.

I'd really like to hear your dd's side of this story.

I can understand you feeling a bit hurt, OP, but the reality is that the current arrangement isn’t working for your daughter, so much so that she has had to initiate a conversation about changing it, which will inevitably have been awkward for everyone. Given that, and that she’s your daughter and you love her, surely you don’t want to continue a routine that you know really stresses her out? Even if you’re a bit miffed at having a few minutes less time with your granddaughters in the mornings.