AIBU to feel put out by my daughter's changed school run request?

[Helcarlol]

Hi all, so my DD has 2 DDs who are 2 and 4. Her eldest started primary 1 this year and last year my DD went back to work super part time as a peripatetic music instructor in schools. She works exclusively within school hours.
Last year she did 2 full days a week and I provided childcare on one and her MIL the other. This year she has opted to put her youngest in nursery for most of her hours and eldest is obviously in school.
She asked if on the two days where she starts earlier could I come over and walk the girls to school/nursery, I only live 10 minutes walk away and she is less than 10 to the school so I agreed, I don’t work those days anyway.

So far I’ve been going round for about 8, leaving with the girls around 8:30, DD leaves at the same time.

I also collect them one day a week but she is home for around 3:20 so I don’t have them for long.

This evening she has messaged me asking if tomorrow I can aim to arrive closer to 8:25/30, so she can just leave for work as soon as I arrive and I can leave to take the children to school. This has annoyed me, so far all I’ve been doing is helping with the girls getting ready, making myself a cup of tea etc, and I’ve enjoyed that little bit of extra time with them as otherwise I only see them once a week for 2 hours.

AIBU to think this is rude and unnecessary?

Mornings are hectic kids are in their routines … I would struggle … my mum lives far away and if she comes to stay she tends to keep out of the way on a school morning and leave us to it!

Do you see them outside of this arrangement?

I can see that in the morning before school is not the time for a chat, cup of tea etc. The calmer/quieter the better, fewer people to talk to etc.

It is up to you whether this suits you or not though obviously.

Gosh, someone else faffing about in my
kitchen making themselves drinks when I’m trying to get my kids ready for school would irritate me no end. I think I’m Team DD here

Honestly, it sounds like you're getting in the way. Why on earth are you faffing about making a cup of tea?

Honestly I think dd is being very rude and if she's asking for favours, which is what this is, she needs to accept it suits op to spend time there before leaving. If not perhaps she should pay a stranger to do it.

School mornings are manic but as you’ve said you only see them for 2 hours otherwise.
could you possibly offer to have them longer after school? Make their tea, park etc

edit to add, I would bite my mams hand off for some help on a morning 😅

DD doesn’t want me to have them later, she says she prefers to have them home for dinner and family time.
I see them all once a week when DD hosts me for dinner for about 2 hours but otherwise just these mornings and the odd drop in if we are available.

8am is clearly not a convenient time to catch up/visit, but could you ask for an alternative? I totally get that you want some quality time, not just an errand.
You’re happy to ‘just’ do the school run but would appreciate some time with the kids/her at another time? An afternoon maybe? Could you ask her? Or take the kids back to yours when you collect them so she can have some time to herself? Would that work??

Occasionally my Mum comes before school/work if I am a bit stuck and whilst I love her very much, she does drive me a bit bonkers by chatting away to me and getting in the way pottering about the kitchen whilst I am trying to finish getting the kids ready and get out the door.

BUT I wouldn’t ask her to come later because she is doing me a favour by taking the kids and I know one day I will miss this sort of thing (my Dad died suddenly a few years ago so I am probably over sensitive to that idea, I think).

I’ve asked for more time, DD hosts me for dinner on Wednesdays. She says Monday and Friday afternoon aren’t good as she has plans with the children or wants to do things with them, have time as a family. I work Tuesday and Thursday and at the weekend they are always busy but might pop in for a cuppa if they are around.

I’d be irritated too: she’s treating you like a dog walker, basically. You’re a member of the family, “disruption” is the price she pays for having a loved and trusted and reliable and flexible grandparent doing her / her DH’s job for her so they don’t have to find a paid stranger to do it.

She’d have done better to say “mum I have to leave at 8.30am on the dot, would you mind just helping them into their coats and grab their bags if they’re not ready by then. And don’t dally either, you know you never allowed us to be late for school!”

I wouldn't want someone in morning as it is always manic and I would feel the need to be organised and chatting.

But I think you wantpre.rjam she is wanting to give so I can see your upset

Not really sure but I have always worked on the basis that if I wasn't wanted for whatever reason. I wouldnt be there. But also the kids are young. They have routine, homeworks, clubs so logistics are busy ....

It is rude and clearly she's only thinking of her convenience and not that you actually want to spend time with the bairns. That's pretty normal though when you're wanting to get to work.

Nothing much you can do though part from telling her you feel taken for granted and suggest a childminder.

Wednesdays then. You collect the children after school, take them to yours and have some time with them whilst DD gets on making dinner for you all, without the little ones getting under her feet. Then you walk them back home

Doesn’t sound like you really want to help, it’s more about what you want.

Id be inclined to say if I'm a nuisance I wont come round in the morning. You are doing her a favour maybe she doesn't realise that.

No DD doesn’t let me, I don’t think you understand. DD and her DH are very reluctant to leave the children with anyone, unless it’s necessary. They let her in-laws have them one night a month for sleepovers, but not me as my bedroom is on a different floor to the room the children would sleep in. If DD is around to pick her children up or drop them off she wants to do it, if they have a hobby she wants to be the one to take them etc. She has been like this since they were tiny, and the only brief relief from it was when she was working last yea, but now with nursery and school in place it’s back to how it was.

Well I guess you could walk your own children to school then. No faffing then.

Well yes… I would? But I suspect that would upset OP more as she’d see them even less? But I agree with you, if something isn’t working I’d rather pay for
something that does work

There’s a reason she’s said it and it’s because it’s not helpful for some reason. Just ask her. ‘Am I getting in the way?’ Find out what it is you are doing that annoys her. Being in the kitchen? Distracting the kids? Nattering on?

Or you might realise what a help your mother is and apologise for being so thoughtless.

have only read this far: the DD wants OPs help and is being a rude ungrateful brat. It is easy to have less stressful mornings if you get up half an hour earlier.

It is annoying. Maybe her stress is high and she finds it too much to have company? Could she leave earlier

I would find that rude and unkind OP.

She is treating you like paid help she has no relationship with.

Can you have an honest chat with her rather than let this fester? Say you are hurt and enjoy getting some relationship time out of the arrangement as well.

people saying mornings are hectic - so? they don't have to be if granny is happy to be there making sure kids have shoes on etc.

she would not have asked for this change without a reason. She is likely struggling to get herself and the children out the door. If you want to keep arriving earlier, ask how you could do so while helping to facilitate the morning routine.