AIBU to feel put out by my daughter's changed school run request?

[Helcarlol]

Hi all, so my DD has 2 DDs who are 2 and 4. Her eldest started primary 1 this year and last year my DD went back to work super part time as a peripatetic music instructor in schools. She works exclusively within school hours.
Last year she did 2 full days a week and I provided childcare on one and her MIL the other. This year she has opted to put her youngest in nursery for most of her hours and eldest is obviously in school.
She asked if on the two days where she starts earlier could I come over and walk the girls to school/nursery, I only live 10 minutes walk away and she is less than 10 to the school so I agreed, I don’t work those days anyway.

So far I’ve been going round for about 8, leaving with the girls around 8:30, DD leaves at the same time.

I also collect them one day a week but she is home for around 3:20 so I don’t have them for long.

This evening she has messaged me asking if tomorrow I can aim to arrive closer to 8:25/30, so she can just leave for work as soon as I arrive and I can leave to take the children to school. This has annoyed me, so far all I’ve been doing is helping with the girls getting ready, making myself a cup of tea etc, and I’ve enjoyed that little bit of extra time with them as otherwise I only see them once a week for 2 hours.

AIBU to think this is rude and unnecessary?

I think if you're helping her take grandkids to school the least she could do would be to let you in at 8. Does she know you enjoyed seeing them for that extra time ? It's up to you how you respond, unless you say why it's upset you. Can you tell her how it's bothering you ?

It's nice that you've agreed to do this favour for her BUT the favour she's asked isn't for you to arrive 30 mins before you need to and have a nice cup of tea and a chat and help with the kids getting ready. What she's asked for is simply for you to take the kids to school / nursery because she can't do it herself on those days. So, either you want to help her by doing this favour or you don't.

To me, it sounds like you get quite a lot of time with her and the kids (dinner every week!) so it's not like you don't have any contact apart from these mornings. It's great that she feels able to raise the issue with you if it's not working for her the way you're doing things at the moment. It shouldn't feel like an attack on you, or rejection - you've clearly raised an assertive daughter who isn't afraid to set boundaries if she needs to! I bet she's very grateful for the help and would hate to feel she's upset you.

I think your daughter is being really unreasonable here. I'd imagine your granddaughters enjoy seeing you.

I would suggest that you still come at 8am but you insist you have the responsibility to get the girls ready and out the house. So you have 30 mins with them each time. If it were me, I'd invite my mum to have a bowl of cereal with my kids as well as a cup of tea as she was doing me a favour! And I'd appreciate having 2 days where I didn't have to do the mad rush out of the house.

Could you pitch it that you'll make sure you've done their hair, they've had their breakfast and you'll make sure the dishwasher is stacked and the kitchen left clean?

And that suggesting you just turn up at 8.25 is sort of treating you like a dog walker, or a paid service, rather than a family member.

Yes it is rude and unnecessary. She is trying to control you. Don’t let her.

Oof

So she can be quite snooty.
She goes away with In Laws who are well to do.
Her opinion of your other grandchildren isn't great and she doesn't get on with DS.

Perhaps she feels uncomfortable sensing these opinions or feels that you prefer her brother?

There's always more to the dynamics that the surface issues.

Has your relationship in general been a strong one?
Has there been a fall out between your children that you've felt in the middle of?
What would happen if you didn't do the school run?

I would opt out of taking the girls to school. Your DD is coping without you. Suggest that she leaves for work and school at 8:20.

Make arrangements to care for the girls one other afternoon or weekend time that is useful. Would taking them to a hobby or swimming be enjoyable?

It does sound like you were getting on DD's wick faffing about in the mornings. However if she genuinely needs your help with the school run she should have just put up with it - so yes that was rude and unnecessary.

However I do think dinner once a week is plenty, and then you have your walks with the girls to/from school so that's nice. Do you really expect to spend more time than that with them? They are your DD's children not yours. So overall I think YABU

I agree with this and other PP who say you don’t sound as if you like your DD very much.

You imply she’s at fault rather than your DS because she’s “snooty” and what she would describe as feral DC are perfectly fine in your opinion.

You don’t seem to like the fact that she takes her DC to activities and you imply that she’s being selfish by taking up the single allotted space for a parent to stay.

You’re also sniffy about the fact she’s not comfortable with her young DD sleeping on a different floor of the house to you.

She does family stuff on Mon/Fri, you work on Tues/Thurs and you have a family dinner with her every Weds. Shes taking her DC to activities on Saturdays but sometimes they pop in to you on a Sunday, but only if you’re not already spending time with your DS. You go away for short holidays with them but can’t do longer because you do that with your DS.

I can’t imagine how irritating it is to have grandma arriving half hour early looking forward to quality time and a cup of tea (your words) when everyone is trying to get ready for work and school.

Yes you’re doing her a favour by agreeing to walk your DGC to school but maybe it’s best all round that she finds another option. The poor woman is juggling loads but can’t seem to do right in your eyes, unlike your son.

I agree with others you sound like you dont really like your daughter very much saying she is snooty and you sound a bit judgemental about their week. Its great for the kids to have after school hobbies and a routine. Its very nice you get hosted for dinner once a week but to expect a cuppa and chat when they are getting ready for work and school is a bit annoying.

Wonder if your daughter posted this from her point of view what the replies would be, I think quite supportive of her.

I would be tempted to consistently be 5/10 minutes late… very pass agg!

There are a lot of entitled fuckers on these type of threads. Treating their own mothers like a nuisance while using them as a servant.

She sounds horrible OP. It must be upsetting being treated like that by your own dd 😕 And speaking about her nieces/nephews like that is not on. Maybe you need to become less available. She'll soon get the hump and will realise how lucky she is to have you.

Your daughter seems very boundaried in her childcare thinking

However she is the mother

Could you have the children to stay one night a week and you sleep on the same floor as them - camp bed or sofa bed?

I wouldn’t say being rude, I’d say she’s just trying her best. It’s all exhausting

If you’d like to see your granddaughters more, can’t you invite them for a few hours on a Sunday/Saturday and give their parents a break?

I think this all sounds quite normal OP. I not on either side, but I think having 1 night a month away from young children and seeing each set of grandparents once a week and holidaying with both sets is standard, perhaps even generous. Our weekends sound similar to your daughters, a couple of activities, family days out and play dates etc. I do think it’s important for family units to spend some down time together after being separated all week. We also don’t have spare room in the car with the two car seats in the back (maybe a bigger car would have more room).

i understand that you’d like to be more involved, but you’re definitely having much more contact time than most grandparents I know.

Don't have this as a text conversation, bring this up in person another time, say you didn't realise that it might be inconvenient you coming in for a cuppa, you love doing that, you are happy to help out and see if you can't find some way to resolve this by chatting- it might be she'd rather do the entire thing and shove them out of the door, or you distract them as you are too fun or whatever. I would think walking them to school is still nice, so if you can carry on, even if you don't pop in, I'd do that, but your dd is not very diplomatic for sure, I guess she's trying to solve her own stress but hasn't thought about how this comes over to you.

But cba to organise better and take them ro school herself

Perhaps she needs to drop them at breakfast club and pay for this then.
It does seem cheeky to basically expect you to literally turn up as they are coming out the door for the convenience of walking them to school.

As someone else said, why can't she go to work earlier? What does she do? You have said she can't start earlier but do they not have a staff room where she can wait if she can't officially start so that she is then out the way on those mornings if she believes it's too chaotic having you in as well?

If she is sticking to no and only wants you to do the walk, then I think I would be saying it doesn't work for you.

It comes across as rude but honestly, I can understand it. My DP knows to stay in the bedroom
until the school run is over as although he thinks he’s helping he distracts DD so we run out of time and thus both of us get wound up (with DP standing there wondering what the problem is). Although not perfect without him it’s a lot less stressful.

I think it’s a bit cheeky of her , you are not the hired help.

I’m another that thinks you being im the house is adding to your daughters load not reducing it but I can see why it upsets you. Don’t cut your nose off to
spite your face by saying no though. Turn up to walk them, enjoy your walk and morning chat, go home. The time you get with them will gradually increase as they get older and your DD unclenches a bit!

I think you could explain to your daughter that you do it out of love and the benefits to you is that half an hour. If she reduces you to a delivery person that removes advantages for you. I can see why another person adds to her mental load but you are just that, a person. From the perspective of someone who didn't have any family help, that is extremely valuable and hard to replace with a paid for service. It does sound like it is time to be firm with your daughter or you will be slipping into doormat territory.

Hello DD

What an unpleasant way to think.