AIBU to feel put out by my daughter's changed school run request?

[Helcarlol]

Hi all, so my DD has 2 DDs who are 2 and 4. Her eldest started primary 1 this year and last year my DD went back to work super part time as a peripatetic music instructor in schools. She works exclusively within school hours.
Last year she did 2 full days a week and I provided childcare on one and her MIL the other. This year she has opted to put her youngest in nursery for most of her hours and eldest is obviously in school.
She asked if on the two days where she starts earlier could I come over and walk the girls to school/nursery, I only live 10 minutes walk away and she is less than 10 to the school so I agreed, I don’t work those days anyway.

So far I’ve been going round for about 8, leaving with the girls around 8:30, DD leaves at the same time.

I also collect them one day a week but she is home for around 3:20 so I don’t have them for long.

This evening she has messaged me asking if tomorrow I can aim to arrive closer to 8:25/30, so she can just leave for work as soon as I arrive and I can leave to take the children to school. This has annoyed me, so far all I’ve been doing is helping with the girls getting ready, making myself a cup of tea etc, and I’ve enjoyed that little bit of extra time with them as otherwise I only see them once a week for 2 hours.

AIBU to think this is rude and unnecessary?

I would ask her what's driving it, and be honest that it is the highlight of your week getting to spend time with them all so you'd rather find a way to still facilitate that if it's possible.

So in laws see them more and your just good for the school run? She's really takin advantage there. I would stop doing it.

What do you mean start a bit earlier?
She drives to work and can’t change her start time.

Could you take them to the park on the way or anything, so you could get them out the house earlier?

Am I understanding this right? You do a full holiday with DS and his DC but because of that it means you can’t do the same with DD and her DC. They have no obligation to go on holiday together but why wouldn’t you alternate years so they each get one long holiday and one short one every other year?

TBH it sounds like you don’t like her very much. And measure love in time spent. Which is a very poor yardstick.

Early weekday mornings are not ideal for spending quality time. We’re all different, and it sounds like having an additional person in the house during preparation to leave the house doesn’t work for her. It’s lovely that your daughter hosts you for dinner once a week. She’s communicating what she needs, it doesn’t sound rude at all.

There isn’t really a park on route, the nearest park is past the school and another 15+ minute walk away, I’m not sure DD would allow it incase the eldest messed up her uniform before the day even started anyway (she’s fine with her leaving school messy but likes them to go in very neat).

I don’t think they as a family see the in-laws more in a normal week, we probably all get two hours.

So it’s all about who gets the most time?

Well, they are DD's children so I guess she gets to decide, but I can see why it is hurtful. She sounds as if she likes to be in charge of everything and is the kind of person who is very organised and runs to a tight timetable, so someone sitting around chatting with a cup of tea feels like a distraction. I think you will have to humour her at the moment and wait until she needs your help more and/or the children are able to choose to go and see their granny. At least you see them regularly and have a relationship, which is a lot even if unsatisfactory in some ways!

As she doesn't need to leave until you do at 8.30 she can take her own kids to school and continue her helicopter parenting. She sounds an ungrateful brat as it's all on her terms.

That's a shame! Gosh, I feel tired just thinking about all the rules you've described so I can imagine you must too.

Or tell the selfish little madam to take her own kids to school

the absolute nonsense on this thread

She doesn’t want her there in the mornings.

She doesn’t need a reason, she doesn’t need to act grateful, she doesn’t need to change her routine, she doesn’t need to placate OP.

It is her house and they are her kids.

This site is so misogynistic sometimes.
No one would expect the son to bend his boundaries.

Maybe she should just take her own children to school.

She sounds like a brat.

Of course I would, if his mum was doing him a favour by taking his kids to school 2 days a week.

@Helcarlol I think your DD sounds a bit snooty tbh especially with not allowing you to do the girls hair! Has she gone up a class by marrying her DH? Maybe it’s not her decision, do you think it could be her DH asking for you to arrive later in the mornings as he would be leaving for work around the same time you’d be arriving? Maybe he finds this a bit chaotic? Do you get on well with him?

I agree. Well done on supporting your daughter and I’m sure you will do as she asks, just to keep the peace etc, but it does sound quite tough work. Do you ever babysit in the evenings? That might be nice and also give your daughter a proper break. Lots of love xx

I'm very much a morning person but I certainly wouldnt want an extra body in the house when trying to get children off to school however close family that person was or however much they think they are helping

People are different and it's OK for the DD to want to have the least stressful morning for her. Maybe shes been a bit rude in the way she's done it but I don't think she's being unreasonable

I lost my mum earlier this year, i'd give anything to have her float around my kitchen and get in my way. Life has become so busy these days that people lose sight of the important stuff.

This is what I immediately thought. Are you actually helping or are you making a cup of tea and expecting chats while DD is rushing around getting everything sorted? Hence making another task for her to do in the morning?
..Open door for DM, little chat. Rush around getting DD's ready while they are getting distracted by their gran. Try to get everyone out the door while DM witters on..
I know you are doing her a favour but this is what I imagine with my DM or MIL coming over in the final 30mins before we rush out the door on a hectic school morning and it does sound stressful.

I think the above is the best way to respond.

My parents helped me out with childcare for a time until my youngest could start nursery. This involved them watching my baby in my house for 2 days a week. They were delighted to do it. And I was incredibly grateful, but it wasn't without it's compromises.

The issue is they started coming SO early in the morning, when I was getting my eldest out to nursery. Like, I had said for them to come at 9.30, but they'd arrive at 8am. It honestly used to drive me a bit mad, although I never said a thing (because I knew it was only for a few months). Their reason for coming early was to avoid traffic, but I know they also wanted to see my eldest. I understood this...but their presence really impacted the whole routine in the morning, even if they were just sitting on the sofa.

Also, in my case, my parents are quite judgemental. Not in a major way, but in little comments e.g. they'd notice and comment that there was dishes in the sink or something. So it meant that I spent the evening before they came being extra vigilant about the state of the house as I knew they'd often arrive before I even made it downstairs with the kids in the morning, so it needed to be "right" before I went to bed.

Now, as I said I never said anything because I was incredibly grateful for their help, but I'm just saying it to maybe consider if there's something similar going on here? Some random reason she doesn't want you there? There may not be of course! Just something to think about, as people rarely do/say things for no reason.

Have people on this thread missed the fact that the DD has requested that the OP take the children to school 2 days a week?

We used to drop children up to in-laws when they ever did a school morning run. I would have struggled to get myself ready with them there. Could she do that instead?

Just tell her you like spending that bit of extra time with them? Maybe she thinks she’s being cheeky? My MIL used to drive to us (30 mins) once a week for 7am so I could leave for work usually around 8 and she would take them to school and she only came earlier to spend some time with them and I didn’t mind!

You don’t come across as if you like your DD very much. You don’t like her criticism, but are you quite critical of her in your interactions with her? Can you be more specific about ‘the way she goes on’, has she expressed some beef about your relationship?