AIBU to feel put out by my daughter's changed school run request?

[Helcarlol]

Hi all, so my DD has 2 DDs who are 2 and 4. Her eldest started primary 1 this year and last year my DD went back to work super part time as a peripatetic music instructor in schools. She works exclusively within school hours.
Last year she did 2 full days a week and I provided childcare on one and her MIL the other. This year she has opted to put her youngest in nursery for most of her hours and eldest is obviously in school.
She asked if on the two days where she starts earlier could I come over and walk the girls to school/nursery, I only live 10 minutes walk away and she is less than 10 to the school so I agreed, I don’t work those days anyway.

So far I’ve been going round for about 8, leaving with the girls around 8:30, DD leaves at the same time.

I also collect them one day a week but she is home for around 3:20 so I don’t have them for long.

This evening she has messaged me asking if tomorrow I can aim to arrive closer to 8:25/30, so she can just leave for work as soon as I arrive and I can leave to take the children to school. This has annoyed me, so far all I’ve been doing is helping with the girls getting ready, making myself a cup of tea etc, and I’ve enjoyed that little bit of extra time with them as otherwise I only see them once a week for 2 hours.

AIBU to think this is rude and unnecessary?

It sounds like OP wants to do it though, so you’d be cutting your nose off to spite your face.

Doesn’t it kind of depend on what you’re doing between 8am and leaving for school. Are you actually helping? Making a cup of tea doesn’t sound like it. Who is actually getting them ready - what are you doing vs their mother.

Sounds like she’s punishing you. I say that because from what you’ve said she sees her in laws much more and gives them a bit more access.

I’d be thinking about the history between you and working out if she has a reason to behave this way.

If she doesn’t, it seems cold and like she is using and mistreating you which is not nice.

My mum has had DS for me 4 days over the holidays and comes to me to do it, which is so kind of her. Every time I am late for work because she wants to chat etc and it's not like I don't see her later, I cook her dinner when I get home and she starts for the evening and I see her plenty of other times when she's not helping with childcare. I don't say anything though because she's helping out a lot and ds loves the days with her. I don't think I could do it all year though

Is there a backstory about your relationship with her? If not, I think she's being unreasonable.

Can see votes quite equal, I went yanbu. My mother was awful. Your dd doesn't realise the privilege of having a decent mom, welcome to stand making brews in my kitchen anytime you want.

Id of loved some parents that tried!

You see them once a week for dinner. How much more do you expect? That seems pretty generous. Your daughter is not controlling. She is their mother so of course she wants to spend as much time with her children as possibly. Maybe you need a few hobbies.

Absolutely this. You’re getting under her feet in the mornings. And they’re a busy family with limited spare time. It’s not all about you, OP

You would love my youngest DD’s mornings then! I go over at 6.30am make pack lunches, give breakfast get them dressed,do teeth and take them to school 😂

Honestly she sounds awful. Quite happy for you to help but not actually visit just to see the children. I'm sure if she really wanted to she could let you have the kids between school and dinner once a week. I notice you glossed over the fact she visits Inlaws every weekend.
You are going to have to go along with it i suppose because I imagine if you don't you'll see less of the kids.

I think your daughter is rude and ungrateful, OP. And you are being used.

If she wants a completely impersonal service, then she needs to pay for it.

I would tell her how much this request has hurt and upset you. She needs to know. Does she treat the other set of grandparents like an inconvenience, too?

Is there more to it OP? Were they getting treats or something else your DD wouldn't want to happen on your time? It sounds like there might be more to it? Or not ..you will know more

But she's okay to help them out. What a load of bollocks. The dd is working school hours how busy can she be? There is nothing stopping her letting the op have the kids one evening the dd doesn't want her to. She's using her.

Sounds like you don't have a good relationship. Agree she's rude. Do you want to continue with the new arrangement?

Ditto. I love my mum but I couldn’t have her hovering around making tea whilst getting kids ready for school.
Why don’t you ask to stay a little longer after school on the day you pick them up, instead? It won’t be a rushed time of day, and you could give your DD half an hour to pop to the supermarket or post office after work that day, for instance.

Editing as I’ve just seen that you go for dinner once a week too!! I can see why she doesn’t feel the need for a half hour visit at 8am too!

Why doesn’t she leave earlier and let you get them out the house?

id just go ‘sorry if I’ve overstepped, best you do it from now on’. What a madam.

I don’t think they as a family see the in-laws more in a normal week, we probably all get two hours.

DD says Saturdays are bad as they go out as a family, the eldest has a hobby in the morning etc.
Sunday they go to see the in-laws then they may pop in, in the afternoon but generally I go to my sons and his families and frankly DD and DS don’t get on at all.

In the morning I’m trying to be helpful, offering to help with shoes etc, but DD won’t let me help in many ways, apparently I don’t do their hair correctly, so she gets frustrated if I try to help.
Her husband leaves around 8 so by the time I arrive the children have usually eaten and gotten dressed so it’s just hair left, sorting shoes etc.

Over all the in-laws get more time as they are allowed to do sleepovers but DD won’t let me, they go on holiday and 2 weekends away together every year, I take DD and her family on holiday every year but for a shorter time as I can’t afford 2 full holidays and she and DS won’t go on holiday together (DD thinks his children are feral and bad influences, I think they are just kids and DD often has too high of expectations).

I assume because she doesn’t trust me to do their hair properly or something! You’d think I dragged her up the way she goes on sometimes.
She is the first in the family to go to university and the in-laws are quite well to do, she can be quite snooty these days.

So she’s got to wake up earlier, get ready earlier, leave the house earlier and wait outside of her work until it’s time for her to start - all because OP wants to go and have a cup of tea at hers even though she only lives 10mins away??

Beyond ungrateful. She can get up 15 mins earlier and make sure it's not a last minute rush. She's doing no one any favours not being organised anyway. And you're not just someone in the kitchen, you're her mother and your helping to take care of the children. She's a brat, sorry

A useful compromise might be to leave mat eg 8,15, not have to walk so fast- but appar her mum isn’t trusted and they must all leave together. Lunacy

a woman I know has never allowed her teenage daughter (17) to go anywhere independently. She is always taken / dropped off: she has never been in a shop on her own. I shudder to think of the daughters future.

That’s the thing, it’s not even hectic!

Every time I’ve arrived to the girls dressed, fed, teeth brushed, beds made and all that’s left in the final 30 min is hair and shoes! There is no hectic rush I’m in the way of!

Actually having read your updates, I'd say best leave them to it and hopefully you can spend some quality time with the kids when she is ready to allow that to happen. Don't let her weapons the kids, step away.

There is no point leaving any earlier, the eldest can’t be dropped of until 8:45 (in primary 1/2 they aren’t allowed to play in the playground and have to wait with a parent or carer until the teacher gets them at 8:45), it’s a 10min walk at most snd that’s going fairly slow, if we left any earlier we would just be standing around for 20 minutes.

Soz! I meant your daughter could start a bit earlier xx