AIBU to feel put out by my daughter's changed school run request?

[Helcarlol]

Hi all, so my DD has 2 DDs who are 2 and 4. Her eldest started primary 1 this year and last year my DD went back to work super part time as a peripatetic music instructor in schools. She works exclusively within school hours.
Last year she did 2 full days a week and I provided childcare on one and her MIL the other. This year she has opted to put her youngest in nursery for most of her hours and eldest is obviously in school.
She asked if on the two days where she starts earlier could I come over and walk the girls to school/nursery, I only live 10 minutes walk away and she is less than 10 to the school so I agreed, I don’t work those days anyway.

So far I’ve been going round for about 8, leaving with the girls around 8:30, DD leaves at the same time.

I also collect them one day a week but she is home for around 3:20 so I don’t have them for long.

This evening she has messaged me asking if tomorrow I can aim to arrive closer to 8:25/30, so she can just leave for work as soon as I arrive and I can leave to take the children to school. This has annoyed me, so far all I’ve been doing is helping with the girls getting ready, making myself a cup of tea etc, and I’ve enjoyed that little bit of extra time with them as otherwise I only see them once a week for 2 hours.

AIBU to think this is rude and unnecessary?

No. But she was gracious enough to accept the offer. Unfortunately it didn't work out.

I do think she’s got a point.

You said earlier in the thread that she don’t let you take the kids to the park before school in case they get messy - most people with agree with this but you’re judging her for it.

It comes across as though DS can’t do anything wrong and DD can’t do anything right.

It's become clearer why you're having these problems...

The fact you don’t remember making these “jokes” suggests you’ve not even really emotionally present during these visits. It’s typical of someone who’s attention is elsewhere (on your son).

Starting school is a big deal and something a 4 year old is probably quite excited about. I don’t know why you made it into something negative by saying it’s boring.

The hair comments aren’t trivial either. You are implying mum has chose the wrong style and is taking too long and asking the children to agree with you.

I agree they will probably be starting a club on Wednesdays.

I think it was clear that this was as a favour to the OP. Her DD doesn’t particularly want or need her to do anything, but OP very much wants to and her DD was willing to accommodate that. This wasn’t enough for the OP, so her DD is no longer open to it at all.

You very obviously prefer your son. Your daughter knows and her kids are getting to the age they're noticing their grandma always talks about their uncle and his kids, at least the 4 year old. Soon the younger one will.

Is mummy taking too long, stuff like that, you put your daughter down in front of her kids. That's uncalled for and it's a way of poisoning the well pitting your grandchildren against their mom. She has high standards regarding her kids' appearance, education, activities, and she sounds like an involved and loving parent. You try to cut her down to size because she's outperformed your favorite child. You put down education as boring. She's not going to lower her standards for you.

Now she's let you know she's done with that behaviour. If you don't watch out, they'll be the grandkids you never see.

Ah, that makes more sense now.

Passive aggressive snide comments to the children about your DD while she is doing their hair.

Comments to the children about school being boring - perhaps she doesn’t want her girls to be brought up with that attitude?

I really dislike that sort of behaviour, it’s such underhand, sideways communication, using the children to send indirect messages to your daughter. Say nothing or say it to your DD. But don’t say things to the children about your daughter when she can’t respond without creating a scene.

It is clearly hurtful to your DD, I can see why she doesn’t want this backhanded commentary while she is getting the girls ready for school. It undermines her and disrespects her in front of her children.

@TheBossOfMe "This comment really stood out to me “I take DD and her family on holiday every year but for a shorter time as I can’t afford 2 full holidays and she and DS won’t go on holiday together”.

Really? Well what really stands out to me is that these are two fully grown adults with kids of their own who are still letting mummy pay for their holidays! They should be fucking well paying for their own, not squabbling like a pair of pathetic thirteen year olds about who goes for the longest. Maybe their poor mother should get a second job taking in ironing to pay for 2 full holidays, just in case these adult brats are traumatised by the whole thing.

I'm not angry If OPs DD didn't like her mother then why get he to do the school run in the first place? Why even tell her about it and not get the " acceptable" MIL to do it from the start. And don't forget my first message was way before the extra drip feeds.

And maybe the DD shouldn't accept a free holiday from her mother's if she dislikes her. That's taking the piss a bit

I’d love to hear DDs version of events!

I agree with that actually.

Gosh, the unpaid help, without which I would be unable to go to work is faffing about in the kitchen and enjoying a little extra time with her grandchildren whilst helping getting them ready. What a bitch I am.

Fixed that for you. HTH

I agree they should be paying for their own holidays, but it sounds like OP wants to do it. If she does, she should be treating her children equally. If she doesn’t, then she should just stop.

I don’t think the insults are necessary, however.

Sadly, the OP didn't spend her time focusing on the grandchildren in front of her, chatting away to them about their upcoming day, their ideas, she spent it talking about her DS and his kids, followed by making remarks about school being boring and that the hairstyles mum chose were the wrong ones!

OP, your daughter has told you something very valuable about how it was all coming over. Sometimes the best thing to do is admit you got something wrong, apologise and do better in the future- no more remarks about how boring school is or how great your DS's children are- no need to go on about the other grandchildren at all in approximately 2 hours a week, just enjoy the time you have with your dd's children in the present and take interest in their lives.

Reading between the lines you sound awful. Making everything about you. Why don’t you listen to what your daughter is saying.

No, you didn't need to wait for what you call little bits of drop feed to know the OP was behaving badly. It was clear from the start. Every post she has done nothing but bitch and moan about her daughter. Many posters saw a mile of that she was the sort of mother you wouldn't want hanging around your kitchen, we all knew there would be slide remarks before she even mentioned them because no normal person would give up free help from their own mother over something as unimportant as her making herself a cup of tea in the morning. The OP was trying to paint her as a selfish little madam while she was doing nothing wrong and you fell for it. Many didn't though so it's not good leaning on the drip feed explanation. We all saw through her all along.

Well, this does happen a lot. We sometimes pay to take our children and grandchildren away for a break. It is always a second holiday for them (and us). We like spending time with our children and grandchildren. We can also babysit so they get date nights. I think you have to make it worth their while if you want them to come. The difference for us is that our children get on so we all go together and the grandchildren play with their cousins.

OP has been insisting on more time with her daughter's kids and then engaged in some pretty problematic behaviour in front of them. She can't stop her criticizing her daughter's way of parenting on here, she does it snidely in front of the kids, and she's trying to undermine the mindset her daughter is instilling in her kids of excellence rather than being barely adequate. She would like to take her grandkids into their preschool and daycare dirty after playing in the park if her daughter would let her. Who wants their kids going in dirty? She says school is boring in front of the kids. She would rather they be feral like her son's kids.

I think it would be healthier if her daughter stopped going on those second best holidays. Why take the crumbs? OP isn't present when she's with them if she's yammering on about Uncle and his kids.

OP needs to take a good hard look at herself and just why she undermines her daughter. Her daughter just dropped the rope with her and it sounds like she's quite willing to go no contact if OP keeps it up. Her role in her daughter's kids life is at OP's request and is fairly negligible.

@TheSunBeatsDown "Sometimes the best thing to do is admit you got something wrong, apologise and do better in the future"

"Do better in the future". That's one of the most patronising things I've ever heard. You'd actually say that to another adult, and one that was doing you a massive favour? Personally I'd tell my daughter to take her own kids to school in the morning. Just think of all the time she'd save without the unpaid domestic help "hanging around" . Oh wait a minute, she wouldn't be able to go to work then would she.

Totally appreciate what you are saying.but I think I understand why she would ask this. Say you would like to see them more and maybe you could have another afternoon every second week or so, after school? I can think of nothing worse than extra people in my home as I try to get out the door. I have asked my in-laws to wait outside before because it is such a distraction for my kids. When you are running late and already really struggling to keep your cool with your kids after the battle to clean their teeth and pack your bag and eat (got to be sitting down to digest food but it never happens) and feed them a breakfast that keeps them full and is healthy. Mornings are just chaos and high pressure in every home. Unless you come in and do everything from getting them dressed to breakfast and packing bags with the right things etc and it’s on you if they are late for school ? Maybe that might be a compromise but then if I was coming out the shower getting dressed i wouldn’t want other people in my house while I do that. Depends on what the routine and the layout of the house is.

Really? When my (now adult) children told me that when I shouted incredibly loudly and sometimes this upset them for days, I listened, apologised and have worked hard not to do that again in the same way, learned new techniques, and realised it wasn't ok to carry on behaving in the same way.

'Doing better' by the way, referred to not comparing grandchildren, not commenting negatively on their mum's choices of hairstyles, and not going on about how school is boring and dismissing education as people being 'up themselves' all of which the Op revealed she was doing.

The Op's daughter has already found alternative childcare and doesn't want her mum over at all in the mornings, so that's a result of sorts for the OP I guess.

It sounds like she'skeen to see you if she's having you for dinner weekly, my mil has my kids after school 1 day a week and takes themt o a sports class. It is however often more hassle than it's worth because she fills them full of sugar, doesn't come straight home after so dinners late and doesn't stay for dinner but also doesn't leave as we're prepping dinner, just hangs about and the kids get dysregulated with her strange hovering whole they're exhausted and hungry. She loves having them and they like the class so we grin and bear it but it's not the huge help she bills it as. She loves them to high heaven and they love her and it's fine but honestly the faffing you're doing is probably driving your daughter nuts

Well actually OPs, daughter has got someone else to do the school run.I agree with @TheSunBeatsDown sometimes you just have to say sorry, let’s start again even though you don’t believe you were in the wrong.
i think OPs daughter always just hoped her mother would just turn up and take the kids to school, where as OP (who might be lonely) probably wanted to come early for a chat ( mostly about her other grandchildren) and cup of tea with her daughter at completely the wrong time of day. The daughter can’t be blamed too much. She has her mum for dinner once a week.

It sounds like the daughter is trying to be fair to her mum and let them all have time together. Sounds like in laws were always an option.

Well she is able to go to work, she’s just stopped the OP from taking them to school. She has other options which she’s taken up.