AIBU to feel put out by my daughter's changed school run request?

[Helcarlol]

Hi all, so my DD has 2 DDs who are 2 and 4. Her eldest started primary 1 this year and last year my DD went back to work super part time as a peripatetic music instructor in schools. She works exclusively within school hours.
Last year she did 2 full days a week and I provided childcare on one and her MIL the other. This year she has opted to put her youngest in nursery for most of her hours and eldest is obviously in school.
She asked if on the two days where she starts earlier could I come over and walk the girls to school/nursery, I only live 10 minutes walk away and she is less than 10 to the school so I agreed, I don’t work those days anyway.

So far I’ve been going round for about 8, leaving with the girls around 8:30, DD leaves at the same time.

I also collect them one day a week but she is home for around 3:20 so I don’t have them for long.

This evening she has messaged me asking if tomorrow I can aim to arrive closer to 8:25/30, so she can just leave for work as soon as I arrive and I can leave to take the children to school. This has annoyed me, so far all I’ve been doing is helping with the girls getting ready, making myself a cup of tea etc, and I’ve enjoyed that little bit of extra time with them as otherwise I only see them once a week for 2 hours.

AIBU to think this is rude and unnecessary?

OP is long gone.

Clearly doesn't like being told how her behaviour comes across.

Maybe she is so busy as she spends hours on Mumsnet and may find this post and see what you have said about her.

I don't think you like her at all and I think you both know that.

This comment really stood out to me “I take DD and her family on holiday every year but for a shorter time as I can’t afford 2 full holidays and she and DS won’t go on holiday together”. Does that mean @Helcarlol goes away with the golden child son and his family for a proper holiday every year but then can only afford a short break with her DD and family? Why wouldn’t you alternate years so each of them get a chance of a longer holiday? It really does sound you favour your DS and his family hugely. Tone deaf to talk about them all the time around your DD. You’re lucky she’s keeping the door open for your regular Wednesday dinners. Be very careful what you talk about at them because if it’s abour DS and his family I think you’ll find those Wednesday dinners will stop soon as well.

TBH I think neither the OP nor her daughter come out well here.

The childcare issue sounds rather transactional and the OP is being tone deaf about the daughter not wanting to hear about her brother and his family.

So I have messaged DD some more.

She feels that I undermine her with the children as when she is wanting to plait their hair etc, I say things like “is mummy taking too long, should she just have done a pony tail” I don’t recall saying that.
She feels I don’t have a respect for education as I see no problem with DS taking his children out of school for holidays and then make comments to her DD about school being boring. I may have said that as a joke.

She said I do this on Wednesdays too but hasn’t elaborated on it.
Then I apparently constantly mention DS and his boys, their football etc.

She has said her MIL is now taking the children to school/nursery, but I’m still welcome on Wednesdays and they will message if they have free time and see if I’m around.

She feels I don’t have a respect for education as I see no problem with DS taking his children out of school for holidays

I agree with your DD here.

Because DD already goes abroad with in laws, 2 weekends away with in laws, 2 weekend breaks just her and her DH and the kids and a family summer holiday.
DS doesn’t go on any other holidays, he can’t afford to.

Love your accountability. 🙄

So you don’t treat your children equally, then.

You definitely need to stop talking about your DS and his children at the Wednesday evening meals, unless you want those to stop as well.

Your daughter has been really clear about the problem. It's up to you now what you to do with this information (spoiler: simply saying that you "don't recall" is not enough, you need to seriously reflect on how you act if you want to maintain a positive relationship)

It sounds as though you constantly make these comments and jabs, and she's able to tolerate them once a week during Wednesday dinner. The early morning pick-ups were just to much for her - I'd hate to start my day twice a week with negative comments about my parenting/choices.

Touched a nerve? Not really my daughters are not like that at all thankfully

This has really changed the entire situation the more you talk. I'm team DD now. Your son being able to afford or not afford whatever has nothing to do with how you should treat your kids. Taking your son on a long holiday every single year because your daughter goes on holidays with her inlaws? That is exactly how resentment grows and given your little comments through this threat while you're trying to be impartial, am guessing when you talk to your daughter it's even worse and she's just fed up.

Your daughter and your son deserve equal attention and respect from you. It sounds like your daughter is doing really well - she has high standards for herself and her children and works hard to make sure they are met. You get along better with the more relaxed attitude in your son's house. That's fine, but you should try harder to hide your favouritism.

And be very careful on Wednesday dinner - I'd honestly take a piece of paper and make a tick any time you mention your son or his kids. Am guessing you'll surprise yourself (speaking as the not favourite daughter with a beloved brother here!)

I'm sorry but you sound awful. I'm surprised she still sees you weekly. You need to change your attitude or she'll be going no contact

Like what?

Maybe if he (and you) valued education more, then he could have afforded to.

Maybe time you realised education is important and encourage your grandchildren instead of showing negativity about it, and maybe be proud of your daughter for going to university and being a success instead of telling her she is too big for her boots and is stuck up and whatever else you and her brother say about it.

Really does smack of you having a chip on your shoulder about her doing well for herself. And you’re putting golden boy ahead of her for everything because he stuck to your way of life, as if you think she has insulted you by going a different path and he is more your type of person.

Ah, they've been taught to put up and shut up because they should be grateful.

You seem very angry that OPs daughter had the gall to tell her mother she didn't want her around anymore because of her behaviour as if all help should be gratefully accepted regardless of how it is delivered. Nobody has to tolerate bad treatment. Nobody.

Telling me what to do when I was doing them a favour.

Mind you they know if they tried that I'd be stopping any help immediately

Taught to" put up and shut up".

Lol I can't imagine either of them doing such a thing.

But they also have enough manners if someone is doing you a favour then you don't start telling them to do it differently. If you don't like the way someone goes you a favour then fo it yourself It's a good job she's finding someone else to look after her kids. Wonder how long until the next person starts getting told what to do

It’s not really a favour if they don’t actually want what someone is offering

I honestly think the person doing the favour here is the daughter as the OP seems to be in competition with the in laws.

However sometimes getting a “ favour” from someone can be more bother than it’s worth!

So the fact he OP has been going school runs in the first place isn't a favour?? In what world.

She didn't have to get the OP to do it in the first place if she didn't want her to did she

My money is on a new hobby starting which can only happen on Wednesday....

Clubs are restarting and days are changing so let's watch this space.

Education is a way out of poverty.... So DSs attitude is not helping.

Your DD has hig standards and the MIL has her back. They are on the same page and want to spend time with each other.

The MIL will be supporting her in this so be careful what you do next and how you behave

We all have to keep quiet in life and she is now fed up. She is telling you that. She is also telling you she can cope without your help.... No sleepovers, no help needed with school runs.... You are on different pages ...

Take a step back or the visits will reduce to not happening at all.

Possibly DD thought she was doing OP a favour in letting her take the kids if OP kept complaining she didn’t have enough time with them. Doesn’t sound like she particularly needed OP to do it given she’s easily found an alternative, so the “cost” of the favour (listening to OP wanging on about her brother) was obviously not one she was willing to pay. And good on her for standing up for herself.

Where I am, in a very small town, there are over two dozen different clubs on a Wednesday night. More if you look at neighbouring towns. Wednesday is the most popular night for clubs it seems…

Do you not recognise that the OPs daughter doesn't seem to actually like her and is constantly being nagged by the OP for more time despite seeing the children 3 times a week? She has tolerated the OP in return for help this far but actually, has decoded that what she has to tolerate isn't worth the help she was getting in return so has rightly binned her.

Allowing the OP to carry on the way she was undermining her constantly she would indeed be putting up and shutting up because she should be grateful. No one has to do that.

The MIL is clearly on the same page as her and doesn't moan at her all the time so she probably won't tell her what to do, as she already spends lots of time with her because she enjoys her company.

If you treated your daughters the way OP is treating hers, and they didn't dare complain because they know they should be grovelling in gratitude, then you have indeed raised them to put up and shut up and be grateful. If you haven't raised them that way, then just like OPs daughter they would be telling you to go away and making alternative arrangements because they wouldn't be undermined and nagged constantly. In which case they would be just "like OPs daughter"!

You sound SO ANGRY that this young woman has had the dignity and self worth to tell OP to shove it because she won't be treated like this and she's found alternative arrangements. Why is that?