DH wants my birthday presents back

[BeRedUser]

So a few days ago I bought 2 nice creams for a total of £50 with some birthday money I was given for my 40th. My dad specifically gave me some money amongst a sentimental present for me to buy something for me only as he knows I don’t do that very often. So I thought I’d treat myself as im on maternity leave and don’t socialise or go shopping any more (actually haven’t done since pre kids in 2021). I’m completely sleep deprived for the past 5 years.
Anyways my DH answered the door and asked what the parcel was, I told him and he went mad. he said how incredibly stupid I was spending that much money on creams. I know it is expensive but I don’t go to salons or anything for facials and I feel crap after having kids so I thought it might just perk me up and feel less tired. DH said how dare I spend that money while I’m mat leave and it should be going towards the bills (bearing in mind 100% of my salary goes on bills
and I have no money of my own afterwards). He took the box away, put it in his car to return it.
Now he says he wants my birthday presents back that he gave me (Garmin watch and an led mask) which I did put back in the box for him. So i am feeling rather sad, I’m left with nothing for myself from my birthday, all we did on the day was go to our usual down the road restaurant, he didn’t make much of an effort on the day.

I feel like divorcing this prick now. I wish my dad knew that his money that he specifically gave to me is going in my DH pocket. Dad should have just given it to him directly instead of me.

Am i being ungrateful and a spoilt brat?

thanks

Oh dear this is the worst post I have read for a long time. I'm so sad for you but more that that I'm angry. Get your dad round. Tell him. Pack your stuff and leave. Please.

But why do you have 4 kids with him?!

If you don’t want to leave him, tell your dad.

Thank GOODNESS I got to your last line and saw that you’re divorcing him. What a horrible, abusive, despicable man.

when I hadn’t got that far down in your op, just to ‘I was rather sad’ I was internally thinking ‘please, no, not yet another women who is married to an abusive arsehole and just tolerates it’ so, thank goodness.

Obviously, yes, divorce him, yours and your children’s lives are better without him in it.

Staying for the kids , are you fuckin joking?

Whatever you do, DON’T “stay for the kids”

Staying is not doing them a favour - you’re teaching them that abuse is ok

He's a cunt. End of.

Absolutely.
What an arsehole.

Make sure you are now on watertight contraception. I assume this isn't new behaviour so stop having more DC.

@BeRedUser really struggling to understand why you would have 3 children with this abusive financially controlling apology of a man?

He took your birthday presents back off you?! What are you, 5?!?!
So what if your dad had bought you those creams instead of giving you the money to get the items yourself?
I'm sorry OP but firstly I would be telling your dad what your DH has done and then I would tell him you're now filing for a divorce.
Oh and BTW, you don't need to justify to anyone the reasons why you treated yourself to the creams, ITS YOUR BLOODY BIRTHDAY FFS!!!!
What a complete prick....

I would have stamped on the bloody Garmin watch and an led mask he bought you and wanted back. Then i would be leaving him asap.

He’s an abusive prick. If you were my friend I’d tell him that to his face.

How dare he take your present off you? Who the fuck does he think he is??

Call Women’s Aid, tell them you’re being abused, you want to leave, and you have four young children. You and your kids deserve better than living with this.

He is the breadwinner so my contribution to the joint bills is about 40%, he does pay more… because he gets paid more than me

But does he have personal spending money after the bills are paid? Because if things are so tight that every penny you both earn goes on bills, and you are both struggling to make ends meet, then I can see why he might be a bit put out that you spent money on a luxury - not that it excuses the way he behaved in any way at all.

But if he has money left over that the end of the month that he spends on himself, and you don't, then his behaviour is beyond appalling, and is abuse.

You are in an abusive relationship. Please leave. It's only going to get worse.

You’re going to seriously damage your children if you stay with him.

Money is not tight. He earns £100k plus, obviously we have to be a bit more careful while im maternity leave. He is a serial
saver and specifically doesn’t like spending money on clothes and certainly not creams.
The issue is what he hates spending money on, he hates me spending money of “female” things, he thinks women waste money on “junk” like getting their nails done etc.

Unless OP has a time travel machine how pointless this comment is. Classic centering the victim not the abuse

Genuinely this has horrified me. That's abuse.

So make this the start of a new life. Get yourself to citizens advice, then speak to family. People will help.

I think you need to tell your dad all of it. You need someone fighting your corner. Even if my dad had been in a bedsit he’d have taken myself and 4 children in. I’d pack a bag for all of you and go.

He earns 100K plus, but you have to pay out all of your money towards bills?

Did you read the post above about financial abuse?

Omg, you and your kids are goi g to be better off on level level without him.

You aren't doing your children any favours by staying ESPECIALLY when they are little. I grew up in a household of trigger tempers and it has given me lifelong anxiety. My sister too.

He is financially abusive, and you are scared of him - he can hurt you and you know it. Otherwise why is it relevant he is taller than you?

National domestic helpline 0808 200 0247. They are so so helpful.

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

I come on here to read hedge disputes with neighbours with diagrams but some posts absolutely make my heart sink. My heart hurts for you OP. You don't have to live like this.

You should tell your dad. Your parents might be able to help you leave.

Also read "Why does he do that?" By lundy bancroft. Link to free version here

www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/1c5vjjl/free_pdf_of_why_does_he_do_that_by_lundy_bancroft/

I know we don't hear about genuinely happy relationships here because obviously there are issues strong enough to post ...but these kind of posts horrify me that women are living in controlling abusive situations like this. 😥

Please tell your Dad right now. Any option to go to stay with him / your parents?

Do you have siblings? Anyone who can come and help you move out?

Are you on the deeds to the house? Do you have any savings of your own?