DH wants my birthday presents back

[BeRedUser]

So a few days ago I bought 2 nice creams for a total of £50 with some birthday money I was given for my 40th. My dad specifically gave me some money amongst a sentimental present for me to buy something for me only as he knows I don’t do that very often. So I thought I’d treat myself as im on maternity leave and don’t socialise or go shopping any more (actually haven’t done since pre kids in 2021). I’m completely sleep deprived for the past 5 years.
Anyways my DH answered the door and asked what the parcel was, I told him and he went mad. he said how incredibly stupid I was spending that much money on creams. I know it is expensive but I don’t go to salons or anything for facials and I feel crap after having kids so I thought it might just perk me up and feel less tired. DH said how dare I spend that money while I’m mat leave and it should be going towards the bills (bearing in mind 100% of my salary goes on bills
and I have no money of my own afterwards). He took the box away, put it in his car to return it.
Now he says he wants my birthday presents back that he gave me (Garmin watch and an led mask) which I did put back in the box for him. So i am feeling rather sad, I’m left with nothing for myself from my birthday, all we did on the day was go to our usual down the road restaurant, he didn’t make much of an effort on the day.

I feel like divorcing this prick now. I wish my dad knew that his money that he specifically gave to me is going in my DH pocket. Dad should have just given it to him directly instead of me.

Am i being ungrateful and a spoilt brat?

thanks

You’re in a abusive msrrisge
get out.

@BeRedUseri hope you're ok, this thread must feel quite overwhelming. My father was cut from the same cloth as your husband, and I recognise the behaviours you describe. I also know what it's like to have to 'let' a man like this take away things that aren't his, call you names, behave monstrously, because honestly it is just the safest option for everyone else in the house and so much energy is hoovered up by their unpredictable rage and trying to manage it as best you can. So please ignore the posters saying you should have just have refused to give him the parcel. They don't understand. Lucky them.

I am also sure that you already knew, deep down, that you need to leave him and his behaviour isn't right but how these people operate means that you lose your sense of what's normal and what isn't and start taking responsibility for things that aren't your fault. Abusers are always very keen to push the message that the problem is not what they do, but that you made them do it. This is a lie they tell so they don't have to face their own behaviour.

I also wanted to say that the 'nice' behaviour isn't nice, or normal, or the real them. It is as much a part of the cycle of abuse as the horrible behaviour. Treating you like dirt and then being kind and claiming to love you, flipping unpredictably from one to the other, is in itself a form of abuse. It is what keeps you trapped, like an addict at a fruit machine stuffing more and more money in, in the desperate hope of a win. But you always lose and the losses always outweigh the wins.

It is ok if it takes you some time to get to the point of being ready to leave. Weeks or even months. As long as it doesn't stretch into the next twenty years of your life. But please start working on your exit plan today. Some people have suggested telling the school - I would also tell the health visitor and your GP so that they can make a record of it. They will have heard it all before and they will support you. It would also be entirely reasonable to talk to the police if you feel this is the right thing for you. Coercive control is against the law. When your husband treats you as he does, he is breaking the law, and it is a serious enough offence that people get prison sentences for it.

I believe in you op. You can do it. You can get yourself out of this and away from him. X.

What you have described here @BeRedUser is the blueprint of abuse. That's the plain and simple bit. His behaviour is classic abuse, right down to claiming to be a victim when you tried to leave before. That's called DARVO. Please seek help from your local Women's Aid or Refuge and plan to leave him.

On the plus side, as he's been saving all his salary, you will get a whole chunk of that when you divorce him.

Fwiw @BeRedUserabuse happens to educated people too.

Plenty of clever women have got themselves trapped in abusive marriages by insisting it cannot be happening because they're too clever to fall for it. In some ways, women who think they are too intelligent to put up with abuse therefore it cannot be abuse are uniquely vulnerable to ending up there.

No one is too clever. No one.