DH wants my birthday presents back

[BeRedUser]

So a few days ago I bought 2 nice creams for a total of £50 with some birthday money I was given for my 40th. My dad specifically gave me some money amongst a sentimental present for me to buy something for me only as he knows I don’t do that very often. So I thought I’d treat myself as im on maternity leave and don’t socialise or go shopping any more (actually haven’t done since pre kids in 2021). I’m completely sleep deprived for the past 5 years.
Anyways my DH answered the door and asked what the parcel was, I told him and he went mad. he said how incredibly stupid I was spending that much money on creams. I know it is expensive but I don’t go to salons or anything for facials and I feel crap after having kids so I thought it might just perk me up and feel less tired. DH said how dare I spend that money while I’m mat leave and it should be going towards the bills (bearing in mind 100% of my salary goes on bills
and I have no money of my own afterwards). He took the box away, put it in his car to return it.
Now he says he wants my birthday presents back that he gave me (Garmin watch and an led mask) which I did put back in the box for him. So i am feeling rather sad, I’m left with nothing for myself from my birthday, all we did on the day was go to our usual down the road restaurant, he didn’t make much of an effort on the day.

I feel like divorcing this prick now. I wish my dad knew that his money that he specifically gave to me is going in my DH pocket. Dad should have just given it to him directly instead of me.

Am i being ungrateful and a spoilt brat?

thanks

This is a very clearly abusive situation. Do not give in to it. Do not let yourself be so diminished. Yes you have a lot of kids, but he will need to continue to support them even once you have kicked him out.

That’s a completely unacceptable way to treat you, and I’m sorry you went through that. For context, is this the first time he’s reacted this way? Is it unique to you being on mat leave / reduced income? Not to excuse the behaviour in any way, but just to get some insight into what drove him to overreact in such an extreme manner. Either way, not acceptable but sometimes context helps evaluate the situation before deciding on best course of action. If it was completely out of character, I’d want to know why. If it’s standard behaviour for him, I’d leave.

edit: just caught up on the thread. Sounds like a pattern for him. Grounds to leave.

He could be a Narcissist. He is doing abuse here to all of you. You will get nowhere with him. Do not try. Protect yourself, your mind your energy etc.
Sorry to ask but if you are intimate with him in any way i would also stop this.

Away from him i would explain to your children very briefly and simply that has some behaviour problem/ likely a personality disorder of which you don't know. which he needs to get help with and is why he behaves the way he does and what he says is not true and that you and them are not at fault.

If he comes to talk to them or you again like this and you are there. Do not engage
remove the children from the room. and leave the room yourself.

Actually, it is black and white!
He’s not a good man at all and he has to go.

It’s extremely common to find financially controlling and Abusive men who are very high earners and extremely well respected at work BUT who also keep up a superb facade of being a good husband and father to the outside world.

So much so that their wives are convinced that no-one will believe them and perhaps maybe they have done something to deserve this appalling treatment. When of course, you haven’t done anything wrong at all.

Speak to Women’s Aid or a domestic abuse hotline. They will listen and believe you and will help advise you of the steps you need to take to leave safely with your children.

You’re obviously a bright sensible woman so no-one’s telling you to move out today. What we’re advising is to quietly start looking at your options and very slowly start making plans to leave. Even if it takes you another 6 months or longer, you will get there eventually and life will immediately start to improve from that moment onwards.

I can only imagine the rage it would cause to an abuser if OP put headphones on to drown it out.

Don't do this, terrible advice. Ducks in a row. Get on the phone today. Womens aid & the council.

This is an abusive relationship and is clearly already very damaging to your children.

Absolutely tell your dad! This is abuse.

Your husband is both financially and emotionally abusive. Please divorce him OP, and please tell your Dad.

How are you feeling this morning @BeRedUser? You can use this thread as a support, we're here to listen and give advice x

Just to echo @sunshinetimes - we're here for advice and support 👍🏼

I think you need to point out to him that:

• his self care includes gym membership and pub weekly? How much is that? It is cohesive and controlling behaviour and although it may not be enough to prove crimially you can seek advice and help.in NDV helpline.
• demand the parcel back. It was your present

It is not parent child relationship and he treats you like a child.

I haven't had time to read all of the thread but your original post was enough to make me furious on your behalf. This man is a bully, he does not care about you and he is unworthy of you. Can your father or other family help you to rid yourself of him. He will have to support your children . I would buy you face creams if I knew who you were sweetheart.

it is not terrible advice at all. she should do all she can to stop herself becoming affected by it
because she needs to protect herself while she is there with him experiencing it at the time
or she leaves the room
those words can make her feel awful and low, destroy her mental health and stop her ringing those organisations that can help her

@BeRedUser please do what you can to block him out when he speaks to you abusively

@BeRedUser only you know if you want to leave this relationship and get out.
Good times are there, but it doesn't mean you should ignore the bad times and behaviour from him
are you going to wait until the next time something happens?
how long do you want to put up with this behaviour?
Only YOU can decide this 🙏🏻

What do you want to do about this?

your children will grow up thinking this behaviour is normal and they may get into similar relationships.
they may need therapy from this upbringing they are having.

Also do you have friends you can go to talk to about this?
The more you placate him and also keep this hidden from the world the more it can carry on.

🙏🏻
wishing you all the best with this

I agree with other posters. Don't cover up his abuse any longer. Get support from wherever you can. I don't know enough to make suggestions but please look for help. Other posters have told you where to look. This situation cannot go on any longer.

Your husband is evil.

Neither of these conversations are going to achieve anything positive for OP and could result in the verbal abuse escalating to physical abuse, you can't reason with a man with this attitude, OP only option is to find a way to end the marriage.

OP, the 'happy times' are part of the abuse. They are inserted to make you stay in the relationship, because it really works and it's only off days when it doesn't. You are in difficulties but should make plans to leave before this vile man wrecks the lives of your DC. It will take time and planning but you can do it. Tell your parents to start with. If you are in the UK there are organisations you can contact like Women's Aid, who will give you advice. If elsewhere then you may have to look for such organisations, but they will exist. Good luck and work to be happy.

Jesus Christ. Get a divorce and rinse the absolute prick for everything you’re entitled to.

is it housing you are worried about?
what are you worried about
write those things down
and try to find options solutions to those things
then your path will be clearer.

are you happy? do you want to be happy in your life? answer that question for yourself 🙏🏻

instead of thinking you deserve something nice
he did not want you to have something nice
do you think he cares about you?

@BeRedUser I had one evening out after work in June 2022 for a good friends leaving doo but he called me 1 hour in to come home as the cat hurt his leg and he had to go to the vet asap.

Who else thinks he hurt the cats leg on purpose so he could get the OP home where she belongs?

There's no getting away from it OP. He's a nasty, financially controlling fucker who screams at you in front of your children, which means they are probably scared of him. Your son is learning that it an ok way to treat women. Nice!

You probably aren't safe and neither are they. I'd be planning a hasty exit and a non-molestation order. Start collecting evidence. Keep a diary. You need to get all of you away from him.

So if your dad had bought and wrapped the creams and given that instead of the money, would your entirely unreasonable bully of an excuse for a husband have sols them? The cash was yours, to do with as you wish, why should you spend it on bills? He sounds extremely unpleasant.

‘I feel like divorcing this prick now’ - only now?! OP what you’ve shared is that your husband is a nasty abusive man, you and your children should be away from him! Look how he has treated you and spoken about you in front of your children, it’s heartbreaking. Please find the strength and courage to leave, you and your children deserve better x

Agree that's abusive. Tell your dad.

I've not worked for the last decade and a half. Money is tight so I spend most of my (generous) birthday money from parents on the DC, but that's my choice and DH would never try to interfere. My dad has previously given me birthday money with instructions to buy someone nice for myself, which I have, and of course DH hasn't complained even though it wouldn't be what we'd have agreed to spend it on if it had been 'household' money.

I'd seek help from Women's Aid or a domestic abuse charity.