DH wants my birthday presents back

[BeRedUser]

So a few days ago I bought 2 nice creams for a total of £50 with some birthday money I was given for my 40th. My dad specifically gave me some money amongst a sentimental present for me to buy something for me only as he knows I don’t do that very often. So I thought I’d treat myself as im on maternity leave and don’t socialise or go shopping any more (actually haven’t done since pre kids in 2021). I’m completely sleep deprived for the past 5 years.
Anyways my DH answered the door and asked what the parcel was, I told him and he went mad. he said how incredibly stupid I was spending that much money on creams. I know it is expensive but I don’t go to salons or anything for facials and I feel crap after having kids so I thought it might just perk me up and feel less tired. DH said how dare I spend that money while I’m mat leave and it should be going towards the bills (bearing in mind 100% of my salary goes on bills
and I have no money of my own afterwards). He took the box away, put it in his car to return it.
Now he says he wants my birthday presents back that he gave me (Garmin watch and an led mask) which I did put back in the box for him. So i am feeling rather sad, I’m left with nothing for myself from my birthday, all we did on the day was go to our usual down the road restaurant, he didn’t make much of an effort on the day.

I feel like divorcing this prick now. I wish my dad knew that his money that he specifically gave to me is going in my DH pocket. Dad should have just given it to him directly instead of me.

Am i being ungrateful and a spoilt brat?

thanks

This is coercive control, your husband has taken your gift without consent which is theft.

His actions are seriously flawed.

It seems like you have no autonomy, no freedom to be yourself and its pretty concerning.

Sorry but I would be binning the husband..its your birthday money and your choice on what to spend it on...you are a fully grown adult as well so who the f does he think he is??

To everyone saying 'how dare he take your cream!' and 'why did you let him take your gifts?' - although these are valid questions, OP let him because she has been worn down after years of abuse (since Covid at the very least).

The birthday incident is clearly just one of many many examples of his coercive and financial control but hurt OP enough for her to post, which is the only good thing to come out of it.

OP. Imagine if your best friend told you:

• I'm not allowed to socialise
• My partner is allowed. He goes to the pub and gym etc
• I have to put 100% of my money into a pot for bills (despite my DH having £100K salary)
• My children are told being told that I am a liar and thief by their own father
• My partner doesn't like women to have 'nice things'. He thinks it's wasteful junk.
• I have had to return all my birthday gifts this year as I don't deserve them.

I am sure there are more things to add to the list, but this is the little we know. What would you say to your best friend? Or a sister? Or family member?

I KNOW that accepting this is abuse is overwhelming. Especially when you are so beaten down. The paradox of abuse is that quite often the realisation hits when you are at the very least able to find the strength to deal with it. It's not fair that it's always the drained victim that has to dig deep and take action, but it's worth it.

Break down what you can and can't achieve now. Don't make a list that starts with 'Leave DH' if that feels too hard. Maybe your list could read:

1. Demand gifts are returned
2. If pushback - ask dad to call DH
3. Insist on some of salary being held back for personal expenses. Do not suggest this - just lay it out. "In light of you trying to control my every penny, I will be transferring 70% of my salary into our joint account. The remainder will be mine to spend as I choose. I will not be infantilised or bullied into having to 'hope' for a few stray crumbs of things I may want or need."
4. Start thinking about HOW you to leave. Do the maths.
5. When you are ready, speak to Women's Aid. You don't have to 'do' anything but they will help you with clarity and options.

You are trapped in a highly abusive relationship with a man who doesn't like you or like women. It won't get better. But you can make it more bearable until you are ready to go.

Well, his savings will come into great use when you divorce him and claim an absolute minimum of 50% of them! He'll also realise just how good he's had it onve he starts paying CMS for 3 children too!
I would start getting copies of all his bank statements/savings accounts/pensions etc before he catches wind of your possible exit strategy otherwise he WILL try and hide them from you start deprivation of assets etc

You do not need to stand for this abuse. He sounds like a real piece of work. I would order the cream again and enjoy the gift from your father 💜 x

I find this post alarming tbh, and I can't be the only one!

You can't have read any of this thread after the OP.

Of course you're not the only one 🙄

24 pages, 508 replies and not one of them saying any different.

I refer you to @TheOnlyWayIsIlford 's reply to @Seelybee

Condemnatory remarks are neither kind nor helpful to a person who already realises the impossible situation she is in.

But I guess it must give the speaker a sense of satisfaction.

@DrMorbius

maybe it wasn't her choice

men like this assert their power over women

The start of your post suggests you really understand the dire situation that @BeRedUser is in, but the first word of your solution list is "demand" !

As soon as OP starts trying to demand things he will up his ante. There's a good chance his abuse becomes physical (if it hasn't already). He will tighten his grip and increase his vigilance over everything his wife does, which will make it much harder for her to make moves towards getting help, accessing financial information and ensuring she keeps herself and her children safe.

I think she needs to keep her head down while she positions her ducks.

The law is 100% in your favour @BeRedUser and there IS help out here for you 🙏🏻🩷

This is a very good list, but I worry that @BeRedUser said she gave him the gifts at the time because he's so much taller ( she's scared of him) and he was shouting in front of the children.

Maybe she'd be better off contacting Womens Aid first of all for advice on how to leave safely with her children, than confronting him in anyway or tipping him off that she's ready to stand up to him, whilst she quietly makes plans for a safe getaway.

OP. I second previous pp who said it was one of the worst things they'd read. The level of punishing pettiness and insults... shows that financial abuse is just one of the many components on his palette of controlling behaviour.

As everyone's said. Please tell your Dad. And get advice..And whatever you do, don't let your DH know anything.

Re the Creams, let them go for the moment. They can be replaced. FYI the amount he spends on his nights out and gym... would be way way more than you spending £50 of your own birthday money on some toiletries. A walk around Boots would show that this is not the cheapest but not an abnormal amount to spend on such things.

I hope you get some good advice and encouragement from this thread, but most of all I hope you get the same in RL. I dont think things will improve for you if you stay. It only sounds like his abuse will get worse. He sounds like he has a punishing nature and I dread to think how he would react if one of the children disobeyed him, or if they are too scared to do so.

I doubt @BeRedUsercan order the cream again as she is the victim of financial abuse and all of her money is allocated to running the household.

OP I think I’ve put this on one of your previous threads so not sure if you’ve looked at it already.

Have a look at I’m not sure if my relationship is healthy.

And yes, you’ll be feeling conflicted. He won’t be abusive all of the time otherwise you would never have agreed to partner up with him in the first place.

MNers have suggested that you reach out to a DA charity for a long time. Partly this is to help you see that whilst some of the time things are running ok, there is a much darker side to him and you don’t appear to be safe.

The number of times you’ve posted seems to indicate that the abuse is regular and you are in danger of it escalating.

Divorce him. See a lawyer as soon as you can. This man is a complete arsehole and it sounds like he's been treating you like this for a long time. You are worth better than this prick.

Reach out to Women's Aid. You shouldn't be staying for the children. That's what he's counting on - that you'll never leave no matter how he behaves.

This is absolutely coercion and control and is a criminal offence for which he would be charged.

Sit down and list everything you can remember while you have been together, and report him.

Remember if you divorce you should get 50% of all his savings.

My comment was not condemnation or victim shaming.
The OP has had 4 children with this man in less than 5 years and apparently worked too as she says she's on maternity leave.
The intention was to try to understand the situation better so potentially a prompt for OP to open up on the bigger picture. E.g. is she being physically abused as well as emotionally and financially? Are these pregnancies forced upon her?
And how can she realistically get some power back to improve her situation?

Seriously OP, has he never shown any signs of being a total prick before? Why on earth are you having children with this man.

He took the box away, put it in his car to return it.
Now he says he wants my birthday presents back that he gave me (Garmin watch and an led mask) which I did put back in the box for him

What the actual fuck. And he earns 100K????? It was your 40th birthday present. How fucking DARE he! How DARE he take that package back! That is shocking!!

He thinks you're stupid. He's treating you, a grown woman as a child OP. You're not angry it seems, but you should be.

@PinkyFlamingo I think women like this often don't have enough good, wise people in their lives so I'm glad she posted on Mumsnet.

And then I read this -

The relationship with my parents does not run very deep, they live in another country so I can’t just rock up. I have no way of getting on a flight with 4 kids. I have no one to confide in

As above, I'm unsurprised. He's taking advantage of your vulnerability and sees you as a pink-brained, silly woman who can't be trusted.

I was an intelligent, well educated door-mat, too at one point. Not any more. This is financial abuse. Get yourself together and make plans of your own. Whether you leave him or not, you need full control if your money. While you're about it, make sure you get as much of his and any joint savings as possible. Don't let it continue until you find you gave no pension, either.
PS - Sod what the neighbours think. Let him show himself up.

Get Rid ASAFP!

Awful OP.

I don't really care that he's not like this all the time. Few nasty people are, otherwise their partners would have left them after a few dates.

This man is not on your side. He's an opponent, so watch your back.

That's abusive to the children - he'll mess them up saying thingslike that.