DH wants my birthday presents back

[BeRedUser]

So a few days ago I bought 2 nice creams for a total of £50 with some birthday money I was given for my 40th. My dad specifically gave me some money amongst a sentimental present for me to buy something for me only as he knows I don’t do that very often. So I thought I’d treat myself as im on maternity leave and don’t socialise or go shopping any more (actually haven’t done since pre kids in 2021). I’m completely sleep deprived for the past 5 years.
Anyways my DH answered the door and asked what the parcel was, I told him and he went mad. he said how incredibly stupid I was spending that much money on creams. I know it is expensive but I don’t go to salons or anything for facials and I feel crap after having kids so I thought it might just perk me up and feel less tired. DH said how dare I spend that money while I’m mat leave and it should be going towards the bills (bearing in mind 100% of my salary goes on bills
and I have no money of my own afterwards). He took the box away, put it in his car to return it.
Now he says he wants my birthday presents back that he gave me (Garmin watch and an led mask) which I did put back in the box for him. So i am feeling rather sad, I’m left with nothing for myself from my birthday, all we did on the day was go to our usual down the road restaurant, he didn’t make much of an effort on the day.

I feel like divorcing this prick now. I wish my dad knew that his money that he specifically gave to me is going in my DH pocket. Dad should have just given it to him directly instead of me.

Am i being ungrateful and a spoilt brat?

thanks

This certainly abusive behaviour towards
you. You deserve better. You do not have to tolerate this.
You have every right to treat yourself it is your money not his. He does not get to decide anything about it.
Can you tell your father about this? I'd do that
if he is not physically abusive towards you
but as you are on mat leave
This is a bad environment to bring up a child in
and i hope you can get out so your child does not grow up in this situation and witness this too.
Please get out of this relationship 🙏🏻

Why do all these men earn 100k and are so controlling with money? Please tell your dad what he did. Keeping it secret enables your husband to do this to you

I'm hoping you're on some form of contraception. I would tell my Dad what happened. I'd tell everyone who would listen what he did, preferably in his presence. This is abuse, and abuse thrives in secrecy.

I agree with PPs - it’s domestic abuse. Please get support. I found both my GP and the local branch of Women’s Aid very helpful. Women’s Aid gave me a support worker and put me on a course, which was really good. There may be other local organizations in your area - look in your GP website for local domestic abuse support info or speak to your GP.

i think if you are alone in this can find organisations
and places that can help you with this? To help you navigate out.
Once you plan out please do not let him convince you of staying with him. Stay strong. Abusers are good at this and rarely change.

Please look for support groups helplines that can help you with this too.
Your children have heard awful things and you don't want this to continue. 🙏🏻

Remember if you leave you will have your salary, plus 4x child maintenance (I assume that the bf baby will be with you 100% of the time, and the others likely a good chunk of the time), plus half of any shared assets, pensions will be shared etc... you can do it

Can your father help you?

I don’t understand why you keep having kids.
You know the more kids you have, the more difficult it is to leave.

Are you on contraception now?

Are you in the UK?

The good news is that he’s incredibly wealthy and so you’re not going to be struggling when you divorce him.

Are you in the UK?
Are you currently on maternity leave?

Whilst he’s at work you need to ring womens aid and get their advice.
Unless your family are wealthy and can afford to rent/buy somewhere for you, you’ll have to go into temporary accommodation before you can divorce and sell the house and buy somewhere more permanently.

You can’t move countries but you can be independent and create a support system where you are instead.
He gives you no support so you’re not going to be losing anything by moving out.

Do it asap before you have to worry about going back to work.

"Clearly it's not like that every day"

Every single day, he is making you live like a pauper while he is rich.
Every single day, he is punishing you financially for having the gall to save the family tens of thousands of pounds on childcare while giving your baby the best start in life (taking maternity leave).
Every single day, he is acting as though the children are your sole responsibility (expecting you to repent for taking maternity leave).
Every single day, he is treating you like a flatmate rather than a spouse and partner, by making you pay 40% of the household expenses, while he is earning more than most people can dream of, and you are earning almost nothing (because you are raising the children).
Every single day, he is financially abusing you.
Every single week, he is preventing you from living a full life by refusing to facilitate you seeing friends or having any down time.
Every single week, he is taking advantage of your physical, mental and emotional labour by treating himself to a social life and the gym, while you are at home with the children.
Just because he doesn't blow up and shout every day, and just because he doesn't STEAL from you every day, doesn't mean it's OK the rest of the time.

What the fuck have i just read. LEAVE for the sake of your children.

It sounds like we are married to the same man. And I’m 30 years down the line. Honestly, it won’t get better. Sending solidarity x

You're being finacially abuse, socially isolated (even with sleep deprevation he should have your back enough that you can maintain friendships) and verbally abused. Is there any physical or sexual abuse too OP?

If he is earning 100k and you mat pay, then 60/40 split is more financial abuse.

Is he earning PAYE or self employed? If he's PAYE then get out ASAP, if he's self employed than you will need a more robust plan.

Do you own the house (mortgaged?), you called him DH, so I assume definetly married?

Tell your dad exactly what has happened with your birthday money, this is your conversation starter, your dad probably is already aware that this isn't a loving marriage but is just powerless to do anything about it.

He's a prick.

But maybe he feels under pressure beingn the only earner while you're on maternity leave?

Can you talk to him about why he totally overreacted and burst out with anger? If that is not normal for his behaviour, what else is going on with him?

His presents to you sound thoughtful and the LED mask equally as frivolous as £50 face creams. So is there something else going on, for him to suddenly treat you with such anger & cruelty?

Also get yourself some free AI counselling (Gemini, chatGPT), it's not perfect, but it is very validating, which you NEED right now, and also very good for getting your thoughts straight and formulating a plan to follow.

He is despicable. You can’t let your children be brought up with a man like that. Ask your dad to help you leave this marriage.

Could you go and stay with your parents?
While you navigate this change?
atleast you will be away from him.
Tell them everything. Is this an option
Do you think they will be supportive? What are they like?

This first steps are difficult and it is hard at the beginning and can be overwhelming
but once you do it you will get through that
you will be happier and have a better life
it will be worth it
you won't be able to imagine ever going back to that kind of life and treatment you are receiving at the moment.
It will be a better life and you and the kids will be happier for it.
Find support and strength along the way.

I think you need to find out what your options are and start looking at different options on how to make this successful move away from him.
He sounds horrible. Please put yourself and kids first. 🙏🏻

There is absolutely no excuse for this behaviour. Even if he does feel under pressure he could talk reasonably. He could have said no to more DC and used contraception. There is literally no excuse in the world for taking the OP’s gifts from her, taking all of her money, shouting amid intimidating her and being nasty about her to the DC.

Oh OP, I’m so sorry to read this. Similar boat. The ‘confiscation’ chimed with me x its abuse, bullying, control and disrespect. I also understand about trying to placate and quieten him down when he shouts. I’m still not out but I made a big mistake thinking he’d ever change.

OP CLEAR YOUR BROWSING HISTORY 💕 if someone who is financially and emotionally abusing you gets wind of this thread you will be at risk of physical abuse. They will be feeling humiliated and will do everything in their power to stop you leaving. When someone tries to leave, that's escalation territory.

please tell me you're calling womens aid this morning for your little ones sakes, they can't choose to leave this environment themselves. They need you to act for them.

ETA - and clear your emails x

Arrrgh, sorry @BeRedUser I should have read all your posts, not just your first one.

He's financially abusing you. It's OK not to approve of "women's stuff" (personally I wouldn't spend that sort of money) but you earn your own money & are an equal human being & can buy fac cream if you want to.

It sounds as though he's really insecure about money - earning £100k + a year is more than enough! But he should not be projecting that onto you with such anger.

Good luck getting free of him.

WTAF did I just read?! Your Dad wanted you to buy something nice with your birthday money.
You did.
Birthday money is to be spent on frivolities, not bills!
Your "DH" sounds awful.

I have had things like that happen- I think it’s just these men are so irrational. It doesn’t make sense, to any sane person x

he talking alot of rubbish to you and don't believe a word of it
can you wear headphones or ear plugs when he is saying these things to you? could you leave the room avoid him where you can. go out take the kids out when he is behaving like this?
i would not engage.
there is no point of arguing with him or responding
you just want to focus on protecting yourself and children from it and get out of this awful relationship.
dont give your energy to this
where is your energy going
put your energy where it matters 🙏🏻

No, this is not normal behaviour and the OP should not be encouraged to put up with it because it’s happened to others or Men are not rational. His behaviour literally fits the description of DA.

Leave him.