DH wants my birthday presents back

[BeRedUser]

So a few days ago I bought 2 nice creams for a total of £50 with some birthday money I was given for my 40th. My dad specifically gave me some money amongst a sentimental present for me to buy something for me only as he knows I don’t do that very often. So I thought I’d treat myself as im on maternity leave and don’t socialise or go shopping any more (actually haven’t done since pre kids in 2021). I’m completely sleep deprived for the past 5 years.
Anyways my DH answered the door and asked what the parcel was, I told him and he went mad. he said how incredibly stupid I was spending that much money on creams. I know it is expensive but I don’t go to salons or anything for facials and I feel crap after having kids so I thought it might just perk me up and feel less tired. DH said how dare I spend that money while I’m mat leave and it should be going towards the bills (bearing in mind 100% of my salary goes on bills
and I have no money of my own afterwards). He took the box away, put it in his car to return it.
Now he says he wants my birthday presents back that he gave me (Garmin watch and an led mask) which I did put back in the box for him. So i am feeling rather sad, I’m left with nothing for myself from my birthday, all we did on the day was go to our usual down the road restaurant, he didn’t make much of an effort on the day.

I feel like divorcing this prick now. I wish my dad knew that his money that he specifically gave to me is going in my DH pocket. Dad should have just given it to him directly instead of me.

Am i being ungrateful and a spoilt brat?

thanks

Make plans to leave with your children

Contact Womans Aid

Start planning for divorce

It would be rare if your husband behaved like this 24/7. It is far more common that this kind of behaviour is sporadic but probably increasing in frequency over time. It is, unfortunately a dangerous pattern and more so if he doesnt even control himself in front of your children.

It doesnt matter how educated and cultured your family is. This is not normal behaviour and of course only happens behind closed doors.

You need help and someone objective to talk things through with. Probably a Womans Aid group. Dont leave it. It wont get better and is damaging for both you and your children.

Big hug.

A bit sad? I’d be f fuming!

Time to start making plans to leave. Can you confide in friends or family? Including people who he's made you distance yourself from?

It sounds like there is money, he's just tight, so it should be possible to get a divorce settlement which is liveable.

Hrft..don't need to
He's an Grade A cunt and abuser.
Grudging a DW of some luxury with birthday money is plain awful.

It’s a control thing.

HE chose to spend the money on those gifts - so it was ok.

OP choosing to spend money on things is not ok.

He does not want her to have any sort of autonomy.

He’s punishing her for doing something of her own choosing, by taking away the gifts he bought.
He thinks (and it’s probably worked in the past) that she won’t buy things for herself again as she’ll lose her other things.

Wow. What a piece of shit.

I would guess not. They pay bills 60/40 and OP spends all her money on bills. I bet husband does not spend all of his.

He has given you the incentive you need to leave - you cannot live like this. But you need support and phoning the Domestic Abuse helpline would be a good start.
Don't waste your energy arguing with him. You need to be making your exit plan. If you are an educated person hopefully you have the thinking skills to do this. If he spouts rubbish try not to take it seriously.
Obviously don't tell him if anyone gives you money.
Others have been where you are - you can leave him.

I originally read this as '2 ice creams for £50' and was thinking this was a bit expensive 😂

OMG what have I read. He is an absolute monster OP. He doesn’t love you and he clearly hates women. I wonder if he has pressured you to have so many children ? As that’s a common abuser tactic to keep you vulnerable and at home. Hateful man, get away from him.

call your dad and tell him, he is a nasty man and you clearly need someone in your life who is aware of how he is treating you.

I can't believe what I just read. He sounds like a monster.

I realise it can't be easy to leave but I think you should!

Another one for you telling your dad. Please tell him everything. Ask for help from family, make your plans to leave. You cannot allow this to continue for yourself or your children. Your mental health will be on the floor in the end and he will have you exactly where he wants to. I would expect affairs from him at this point and eventually you'll be left with nothing. At the worst he could turn your children against you. Your children will grow up thinking this is normal behaviour. You cannot allow this. Please make your first step to reach out to your dad and to make him promise, for now, to keep this between you two whilst you plan to leave him. Sending you a big hug.

What would you rather we said😳

Is your Dad fit and well? Do you have any other male relatives? I'd be tempted to get Dad and others round when OH goes to work, have the locks changed and place all OH's belongings outside for him to collect, or taken round to his parents' house, while you and your helpers are inside with the doors locked. He sounds like a mean abusive twat.

This is one of the saddest things I’ve read on here for quite a while

You need to make a stand now OP! That was a gift from your Dad. Ask your husband what he thinks of you telling your Dad what just went down? This needs nipping in the bud and scortched earth before he escalates the matter. Also, fuck his birthday right off. This is financial abuse and it's only the begining. You need support from your loved ones. Good luck!

If your oldest child is at school, ask for help there. It would be a very unusual Primary school that turned you away. They will at least facilitate you being able to make phone calls away from the house.
One school I worked at saved the dinner money change for one mother and let it build up into a considerable sum, where no-one else could touch it, to help her leave a abusive situation.

This is abuse

What happens if your DH starts to abuse your children ?

Please contact these for help & advice

Womens Aid
Your wider family

My best advice (prior to divorcing him) would be to just tell people. Throw it into conversation. Tell your dad. Tell your mate. Do not give your awful husband the chance to be protected by your silence. Tell them without context - just factually, this is what happened - and see their reaction. It should hopefully give you the wake up call that THIS IS NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOUR

It was a birthday gift for you and you did the right thing in treating yourself to something special. Sorry but husband sounds like a bully, you deserve better. You should share what he has done with your dad, or someone else who cares about you as you need support. Don't write it off as being okay, it's not.

I find this post alarming tbh, and I can't be the only one!
OP this is financial abuse, and its unacceptable.
I feel so bad for you. If I knew where you lived, I would bring you replacements.

Is this a regular occurance?

The way you are being treated is absolutely shocking, OP. .Can you make plans to go to your Dad's (I see he is another country). Maybe just for a short while so you can talk to him and he may be able to help you.

Your husband is abusive and very controlling, this is horrible to read. Please get help where you can because no one should live like this.

Leave him. Hes controlling u