AIBU to take a 1-year affair that ended this summer to the grave?

[MarbleCreamCoconut]

I know I am going to get absolutely battered for this, and I deserve it. Please just give it to me straight because I am completely lost.

Some context: DH and I have been together for 15 years, married for 5. We have two beautiful DC (10 and 3).

For a long time, our marriage was in a really bad place. We were disconnected, arguing constantly, and I felt completely invisible. During this time, I did the unforgivable. I had a year-long affair with another man.

Toward the end of the affair, things with DH actually started getting better. The atmosphere at home was lifting, we were communicating more, and I had already decided I was going to end the affair anyway because I wanted to focus on my marriage.

It ended completely this summer, about two months ago, when his wife got a new job opportunity and they relocated to Manchester. He has cut all contact and moved on.

Since it ended, DH and I have continued getting on so much better. It feels like we are finally finding our way back to each other. I know 100% that I will never, ever cheat again. The guilt is eating me alive, but the madness is over.

Here is the thing: there is absolutely zero chance of DH ever finding out from anyone else. The lover is gone, there are no mutual friends, and all digital tracks are completely wiped.I am stuck in an agonizing loop.

YABU
Do I tell him the truth, destroy his world, and break up our kids' home, or do I leave the marriage quietly without telling him why?

YANBU
Or do I keep my mouth shut, carry the guilt to my grave, and focus every ounce of my energy on being the best wife and mother I can be?

encourage your husband to have a bit on the side then it's equals

Haven't RTFT.

My take if he would end the relationship if he knew, you are currently having sex and a relationship without his informed consent. Which is very wrong.

I couldn't keep that a secret. The truth always comes out. One day when you're not expecting it your whole world will be blown to smithereens. I couldn't live with that hanging over me.

I think telling is for your benefit not his and will not make you feel less guilty and risk what you have now. I think if things are back on track and there’s no way he can find out and of that you’re certain then keep quiet. It could have all imploded so be grateful it hasn’t

F

Honestly, I'd understand not confessing if the cheating was short lived and you regretted it. A year long affair is too much though.

I would say, forget about your husband for a moment and think about your kids. What life will they have if you come clean to your husband? If you think that this news will make him split up with you and then the kids have to be carted from one parent to another and have a broken home - I wouldn’t wish that was on them and I don’t think that’s best for them.

Now back to your husband, If you truly think it is over and your relationship isn’t a better place, then I would say don’t tell him. It’s not ideal, but things will never be the same if you tell him.

"Ok, so you weren't giving a single thought to your kids when you were sticking your tongue down some random bloke's throat but now it comes to saving your own skin why not pretend that the reason you're continuing to lie to your husband is because you're doing it for your children."

Nice morals.

Considering the state of my mental health following the discovery of an affair (that wasn’t as long as yours), if you have no intention of ever repeating it, keep quiet and take it to your grave.

Now… how your conscience will live with that, I don’t know. But I’m just not built that way.

The only time to confess is if there is a chance they find out from someone else. It's horrible being the last person to know (yes, I speak from experience). If you are absolutely sure he'll never find out, keep quiet and live with it. What he doesn't know won't hurt him. Don't tell if it's only to lighten your own guilt.

So many threads on this lately, you could just read them.
Or has the Creative Writing class gone back to school

"Or do I keep my mouth shut, carry the guilt to my grave, and focus every ounce of my energy on being the best wife and mother I can be?r do I keep my mouth shut, carry the guilt to my grave, and focus every ounce of my energy on being the best wife and mother I can be?"

Agreed. You bear the brunt of the guilt. You did it for the reasons you did and are now committed to being the best wife you can be to the grave. Do that, OP.

Nah.

If I found out my DH had slept with someone else, the idea of touching him again would be physically repulsive. Him finishing the affiar and then being all 'good' to me would be even worse than the initial betrayal.

Would your husband feel the same?

Because I class cheating as emotional abuse. It is emotional torture for the innocent party. I would usually want to work things out for the dc, but never in any case where abuse is happening.

1. You've already blown up your marriage by your ongoing deceit, this is just the calm bit before the shockwave reaches you all, however that may occur.

2. If you think he'd leave you over this then you also believe that he wouldn't consent to having sex with you anymore if he knew the truth - forcing someone into non-consensual sex is not OK. He is someone who is supposed to be able to trust you to make end-of-life medical decisions for them, but can't trust you even not to do this!

I agree. Cheating is a form of abuse. And cheating and then concealing it - making a fool of the other person for the remainder of their life - is even more vile. It's gaslighting and it's stealing their choices (and their sexual health) from them

Say nothing.

You're right. Honesty is so overrated in a marriage. As long as you can get away with it, lie all you like. It doesn't matter one iota

Keep quiet and carry on, for now.

Tell him next time it happens though.

I suspect that you would've continued the affair, had he stay living locally, for that reason I think that you are cruel, you should leave because your DH doesn't deserve to be second best.

No good can come from telling him. Take it to the grave. You would only be doing it out of guilt. What he doesn’t know can’t hurt him.

Zip🤐

Honestly, if my DH did this and it was in the past, he was as you say you are, 100% certain it would never happen again, there was no chance of any mutual friends knowing (others knowing and not you is bad), I don’t think I’d want to know. I’d rather just keep moving forward if things were good.

You blew up your marriage the moment you had an affair. He deserves to know and he deserves to be the one to decide if the marriage should continue or not.

Unbelievable that 9% voted YABU.
If the tables were turned I'm pretty sure it would be the opposite. What double standards.