AIBU to take a 1-year affair that ended this summer to the grave?

[MarbleCreamCoconut]

I know I am going to get absolutely battered for this, and I deserve it. Please just give it to me straight because I am completely lost.

Some context: DH and I have been together for 15 years, married for 5. We have two beautiful DC (10 and 3).

For a long time, our marriage was in a really bad place. We were disconnected, arguing constantly, and I felt completely invisible. During this time, I did the unforgivable. I had a year-long affair with another man.

Toward the end of the affair, things with DH actually started getting better. The atmosphere at home was lifting, we were communicating more, and I had already decided I was going to end the affair anyway because I wanted to focus on my marriage.

It ended completely this summer, about two months ago, when his wife got a new job opportunity and they relocated to Manchester. He has cut all contact and moved on.

Since it ended, DH and I have continued getting on so much better. It feels like we are finally finding our way back to each other. I know 100% that I will never, ever cheat again. The guilt is eating me alive, but the madness is over.

Here is the thing: there is absolutely zero chance of DH ever finding out from anyone else. The lover is gone, there are no mutual friends, and all digital tracks are completely wiped.I am stuck in an agonizing loop.

YABU
Do I tell him the truth, destroy his world, and break up our kids' home, or do I leave the marriage quietly without telling him why?

YANBU
Or do I keep my mouth shut, carry the guilt to my grave, and focus every ounce of my energy on being the best wife and mother I can be?

Keep it to yourself, people have taken secrets like this to the grave forever.

Well, assuming that there’s no chance you’ve picked up an STD (can you get tested discreetly?) or an unplanned pregnancy, then I don’t think there’s any reason to tell your husband.

Telling him might alleviate your guilt, but it will definitely hurt him, and will probably destroy your marriage.

Focus on improving the relationship, and never never tell anybody. IMO that’s the kindest thing now for your husband: what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.

Your guilt will be your punishment. Just suck it up.

You do not have the right to turn 3 other lives upside down just so you feel better, especially as 2 of them are children.

Keep quiet, your dh probably cheated to. Just move on see if anything worth saving.

In your own words, it's already 'unforgivable', so why exactly are you removing your DH's own agency and withholding something 'unforgivable' from him for your own gain?

This isn't 'seeing the light', OP – it's just another deeply selfish act, just as your affair was.

I know 100% that I will never, ever cheat again.

What a silly and completely naive statement. You more than anyone must know this. If you don't, then you are not 'out of the madness' whatsoever. You have no clarity on what you have done.

Your husband is living a lie. You must really despise him.

You.made a mistake.
Make it work now and don't destroy the lives of 3 people.

I fundamentally disagree with most of the posters here.

It's a horrible, deceitful way to behave and hugely disrespectful to your husband.

There are loads of other ways to address problems in a marraige without resorting to an affair to make yourself feel good.

Are you ok with him chearing and hiding it?

As a fairly recently betrayed spouse, I can't believe I'm actually edging towards 'don't tell'. Like you and your DH, we were getting on well after a hard couple of years, and 'working on our relationship' when he made the disclosure, feeling he ought to do 'the decent thing' so we could start from a clean slate.
The pain I'm living through is so horrendous that I honestly wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's worse than the hurt of the two family bereavements I've experienced this year -combined.
It's worse because it encompasses betrayal, deceit, slashed hopes, removal of consent, and massive insecurity regarding mine and our DCs' future.
It is relentless: all around me, every day are triggers which remind me of him and of her and of the two of them together. And because I've said I can't actually cope with knowing the details, my mind is left to make stuff up, which is awful.
It's seen me feel bitterness and resentment, rage and actual hatred -I resent being 'that' person so much.
The self-doubt it has left me with is unreal. That's despite 'knowing' I'm a good, kind, funny, caring, moderately attractive person.
It's taken energy away from the things I value most: my DC, my home, my career. I'll not get it back.
What you've done is so cruel. He deserves to know. But is it kind? I don't know anymore.

Have you had an sti check?

That's quite the leap.

Keep quiet....and learn from your mistake.

Stop being emotional and keep quiet.

Their marriage was in a bad place, she cheated for a year. I'd bet a tenner he had his own fun too. That's not a 'leap'.

I think it’s fundamentally different to a mistake such as a drunken one night stand (also terrible but different). This was a year long, premeditated series of lies and betrayals. The renewed marriage is based on lies and it would take some kind of incredible nerves of steel to keep this quiet. It isn’t true to your husband or the marriage. I believe actions have consequences and would come clean.

I am also curious, how did you find the time
with children? How could you conceal this for a year while it was going on? Don’t you have empathy for the other woman, and didn’t you feel ashamed at the time?

If you want to leave then leave but don't tell him just because you think it'll make you feel better. I loathe the expression but think about your kids and how it would impact their relationship with their father, and of course you.

Yes it is. You're just making shit up.

Poor bloke, been cheated on and now is being accused of cheating too.

If you lve him, why inflict that pain on him.

What a load of rubbish, just because she cheated doesn't mean he did . Some people just can't help trying to blacken the man to 🙄

You’ve destroyed your marriage either way. You either give him honesty and let him decide, or you lie to him for the rest of your life. Nobody else can tell you which one to do.

There's no easy answer and no point in voting in order to go with the majority decision. You can only go with what seems to you the least bad option.

I’m in the ‘don’t tell’ camp. It would ruin your marriage and have a life long effect on your children’s lives. It could potentially cause long term damage to you all.

"know 100% that I will never, ever cheat again. The guilt is eating me alive, but the madness is over.*

Never say never. There must have been a reason for you to be capable of cheating rather than trying to fix what was the issues in your marriage in the first place