AIBU to take a 1-year affair that ended this summer to the grave?

[MarbleCreamCoconut]

I know I am going to get absolutely battered for this, and I deserve it. Please just give it to me straight because I am completely lost.

Some context: DH and I have been together for 15 years, married for 5. We have two beautiful DC (10 and 3).

For a long time, our marriage was in a really bad place. We were disconnected, arguing constantly, and I felt completely invisible. During this time, I did the unforgivable. I had a year-long affair with another man.

Toward the end of the affair, things with DH actually started getting better. The atmosphere at home was lifting, we were communicating more, and I had already decided I was going to end the affair anyway because I wanted to focus on my marriage.

It ended completely this summer, about two months ago, when his wife got a new job opportunity and they relocated to Manchester. He has cut all contact and moved on.

Since it ended, DH and I have continued getting on so much better. It feels like we are finally finding our way back to each other. I know 100% that I will never, ever cheat again. The guilt is eating me alive, but the madness is over.

Here is the thing: there is absolutely zero chance of DH ever finding out from anyone else. The lover is gone, there are no mutual friends, and all digital tracks are completely wiped.I am stuck in an agonizing loop.

YABU
Do I tell him the truth, destroy his world, and break up our kids' home, or do I leave the marriage quietly without telling him why?

YANBU
Or do I keep my mouth shut, carry the guilt to my grave, and focus every ounce of my energy on being the best wife and mother I can be?

You wouldn't care about the risk to your sexual health? You wouldn't want a chance to sort STD tests?

@MarbleCreamCoconut has no idea who else her affair partner was shagging. His wife as a minimum. Plus either his wife or even affair partner may have been sleeping with others too

Op's husband, as a very minimum, deserves the right to be able to know he hasn't been in a sexually monogamous relationship and that he should get STD testing done

Of course you don't tell him. It will blow up your marriage and for what? Something that has already happened, you only tell him if you want the marriage to be over.

I’d take it to the grave. No good will come from revealing it.

I’m not saying what I think her husband deserves. I’m saying what I think I would want if what everything the OP says is true. If the person hasn’t practiced safe sex and been tested for STDs that would change things, but if they had and were clear, under all those circumstances I would not want to know. Obviously it’s perfectly OK for you to feel differently.

I dont have a clue what you should do. However my mother, whilst very woozy on strong pain meds in the later stages of cancer, couldn't keep suppressed any longer than she'd had one 40+ years before, and it absolutely destroyed my father because he was left with that when she died a few weeks later.
I dont think you can necessarily "commit" to your husband never knowing, is all I'm saying.

You say you have wiped all digital evidence and your husband will never find out. You can’t guarantee that. Your affair partner knows. His wife may find out and tell your husband. We know from MN this happens.

You’ve been married 5 years and when the tough get going you cheat so you can’t guarantee it won’t happen again.

Telling him to absolve your guilt is selfish and to be honest you should feel guilty for cheating on him. Telling him will change the relationship. May end it. If you want your marriage to continue as it is you need to keep it quiet and learn to live with the guilt although as above that may be taken out of your hands one day.

Be honest with him so he can find someone who won't deceive him and force him to live a lie. Unless he is cheating too, he deserves better. The marriage was destroyed when you began the affair. By continuing to deceive him you are stripping him of any agency in whether to stay married to a cheater. He could waste years of his life that he would never be able to get back.

This is for the grave. Forgive yourself and enjoy some happiness with DH.

Shouldn't the person cheated on for an entire year get to make that decision for himself?

I think you're an absolute arsehole.

Constantly arguing but you have a 3 year old? Why have another child?

Having a year long affair when you have an under 3 year old? How do you find the time? Gross.

And now you are wanging on about how you are 'finding you way back to each other'?

You sound like a complete narcissist.

Whether you tell him now is beside the point - once a cheater, always a cheater.

I had an affair, and when still in the midst of it I told my then husband. I wanted to leave. My exDH didn't want that, he accepted what had happened but didn't want to break up our life and wanted to try to fix our marriage.

However, he did say he just wished he hadn't known about it. He preferred blissful ignorance (probably one reason our marriage wasn't working to be fair as he would never confront any issues). There was life before he knew and life after he knew and as much as he wanted to put it behind us, he couldn't. And I knew he wouldn't be able to because all the trust was gone.

I had no intention of continuing our marriage, it was over for me the minute I started the affair, but stayed for a short while as that's what he wanted. Everything I did he second guessed, he checked up on everything and everywhere I went (to the point of recording my mileage) and it was clear there was no future.

If you are truly wanting to stay with your husband - personally I wouldn't tell him because nothing will ever be the same again.

That’s v interesting that you hold this view having been cheated on.

I am v unhelpfully on the fence on this one.

I agree with Catza, if it was a case of one or even two occasions where op was unfaithful, then it’s probably kinder to her dh to keep quiet, but an entire year? That’s one hell of a lie to keep quiet.

And despite how completely clad op believes her affair to be, the truth has a way of emerging in the end. Was the house move of op’s man on the side caused by his wife finding out by any chance?

I think very few men would tolerate infidelity, well, fewer than the number of women who seem able to forgive and forget anyway.

I know I could never get over it as a woman because I am too insecure. However sorry or sincere my dh was; I know it would always be playing on my mind, so I would have to split.

Op good luck making your decision, with kids involved, I wouldn’t want to be in your position. And this is going to sound more judgey than I mean it to be, but how come you didn’t consider the risk to the dc of potentially blowing up the family unit before? But what is done is done so you have to deal with the reality of the situation now 💐

Oops iron clad that should have read. Sorry.

I'm not sure this is a true thread as a) OP has completely disappeared (why start a thread like this then disappear) b) how do you have the time and energy to have an affair when your kids are so young and c) I find it hard to believe anyone who has an affair truly loves and respects their partner and is therefore able to rebuild their marriage in the way OP suggests .

Could be wrong , happy to be told I'm wrong !

A marriage with a lie this big at the heart of it is pretty worthless

If you really want to work on the marriage, keep quiet. You could find a genuine, qualified therapist to talk things through with & find a way of forgiving yourself.

A year is a long time. That's actually super deceitful. I am unsure how you can realistically continue on with him. You've turned the marriage into a sham and, even if you do manage to carry it to your grave, you'll always know it was false.

Yep.

A friend of mine (really NOT me) had a similar affair and found that her new found confidence and happiness made her feel much better about her partner. They then got married after 20 odd years of cohabiting and she's happier than ever. Seriously, why would you tell him? Let God sort it out.

Sure. Marriage problems? Go and fuck someone else then lie about it!

I wouldnt tell him - however, you will torture yourself, the guilt will get you, and maybe that is punishment enough.

I couldn’t live like this. If you tell him you might ruin him. But he also deserves the truth - I’d want to know.

My DH and I went through an awful patch after our first DC was born; it’s very common. But things got better and we didn’t need an affair for that - just time. An awful thing to have done, OP.

I'm not making a moral judgement. I'm just saying what happened. I on the other hand was in a relationship where it turned out my partner cheated for over a decade, and I was so demolished I spent the next five years not dating or even thinking I ever would. I'm not in favour of cheating, but I don't see why this poster would get anything from confessing if their marriage is now on a positive trajectory.

Sure, it's in the OP's best interests to keep treating her husband like a mushroom by keeping him in the dark and feeding him on shit. But that can only be at the expense of her husband's right to make informed decisions, misplaced trust and overall dignity.

But given the OP doesn't respect her 'D'H in the slightest I'm sure she'll be fine with continuing to treat him like crap. As long as she can continue to pretend she's got a happy marriage, right?

I think it turns on the word 'pretend'. Sounds to me like there's no pretending. We can all be morally absolutists but it's hard to live a life that way.