AIBU to take a 1-year affair that ended this summer to the grave?

[MarbleCreamCoconut]

I know I am going to get absolutely battered for this, and I deserve it. Please just give it to me straight because I am completely lost.

Some context: DH and I have been together for 15 years, married for 5. We have two beautiful DC (10 and 3).

For a long time, our marriage was in a really bad place. We were disconnected, arguing constantly, and I felt completely invisible. During this time, I did the unforgivable. I had a year-long affair with another man.

Toward the end of the affair, things with DH actually started getting better. The atmosphere at home was lifting, we were communicating more, and I had already decided I was going to end the affair anyway because I wanted to focus on my marriage.

It ended completely this summer, about two months ago, when his wife got a new job opportunity and they relocated to Manchester. He has cut all contact and moved on.

Since it ended, DH and I have continued getting on so much better. It feels like we are finally finding our way back to each other. I know 100% that I will never, ever cheat again. The guilt is eating me alive, but the madness is over.

Here is the thing: there is absolutely zero chance of DH ever finding out from anyone else. The lover is gone, there are no mutual friends, and all digital tracks are completely wiped.I am stuck in an agonizing loop.

YABU
Do I tell him the truth, destroy his world, and break up our kids' home, or do I leave the marriage quietly without telling him why?

YANBU
Or do I keep my mouth shut, carry the guilt to my grave, and focus every ounce of my energy on being the best wife and mother I can be?

Op, your dh could be shagging another woman
How would you feel if you found out this was the case?

“why break up a young family.”

Because the family will be broken up sooner or later anyway when the OP cheats again. Just what the statistics show I’m afraid.

Cheating is fine if you get away it babez x

I wondered that too 😂

“Some people cheat once and never again.”

Of course, but statistically it is much more likely that an unfaithful partner will cheat again than someone who has never cheated.

Don’t tell. It just causes more drama where it doesn’t need to be. Your guilt is urs alone to deal with and that’s on you.

Keep quiet. Continue treating your husband like an idiot who doesn't deserve to be told the truth. It's much easier for you if you keep your mouth shut so who cares if your husband is denied the opportunity to make an informed decision about whether or not to stay with his cheating wife? It's not like you respect him or anything so carry on as you are.

Plus if you get away with it this time it'll make it even easier the next time you decide you're a bit bored. Everybody wins! Other than your husband, obviously, but fuck him, right?

This!
My friend had an affair with a guy at work. It ended and about a year later the guy she was shaggings, wife discovered hotel CC receipts on his bank statements! The stupid idiot thought he'd erased all evidence and forget that teeny tiny detail 🙄 Luckily for my friend, this guy had been having multiple affairs and so she was out of the firing line so to speak as the focus was on another woman but it could have been a million times worse!
You may have erased all evidence but you cannot guarantee he has!

Forget it, it never happened.

Have you had an STD test?

You’d only be telling him to make yourself feel better because you feel so guilty.
If you won’t do it again and there is absolutely no way he’s going to find out, you should keep it to yourself and live with the guilt.

Take it to the grave - never tell anyone else and move on. If it were the other way and my DH had this affair I would also want him to take that to the grave.

Lock it away, don't look back. Look forward with your marriage and your family

Don't say a word ever.

Yabu. He should have the right to choose whether to be at risk of STDs.
He should have the right to choose whether this is a marriage he wants to stay in
You don't have the right to make him live a lie until he goes to his grave.

No updates from the OP. She's either fucked off or this is one of those "engagement farming" threads.

Of course you keep quiet! It happened, it ended - why on earth would you want to discuss it with anyone?

What makes you say that her husband cheated too? What earthly reason do you have to think that!?

Do not tell him and go not allow yourself to feel guilty. Block it all out and do not allow yourself to think about it. If you want to save your marriage you need to focus on that 100%.

Don't tell him. Ever. No good would come of him knowing.

Keep your mouth shut

You don't think treating your husband with respect and affording him some agency is good?

I don't believe anyone can love another person and cheat on them in this way. You planned it, deceived your husband and probably gaslit him (the majority of cheaters do). My sons father cheated and I went to the doctors frightened they were going to section me because he made me feel like I had lost my mind when I questioned things.

Your husband deserves to know what he is married to. Let him make an informed decision. He has consented to a monogamous relationship and your taking that consent away.

You didnt end it. For me that is the key .. amd suggests you have a bot of work to do unddrstanding yourself and where tgat came from.
Consider a good relationship therapist (via tavistock relatiomships) and do the work on yourself.
Then you will know and wont have to ask strangers to do a poll.