AIBU to take a 1-year affair that ended this summer to the grave?

[MarbleCreamCoconut]

I know I am going to get absolutely battered for this, and I deserve it. Please just give it to me straight because I am completely lost.

Some context: DH and I have been together for 15 years, married for 5. We have two beautiful DC (10 and 3).

For a long time, our marriage was in a really bad place. We were disconnected, arguing constantly, and I felt completely invisible. During this time, I did the unforgivable. I had a year-long affair with another man.

Toward the end of the affair, things with DH actually started getting better. The atmosphere at home was lifting, we were communicating more, and I had already decided I was going to end the affair anyway because I wanted to focus on my marriage.

It ended completely this summer, about two months ago, when his wife got a new job opportunity and they relocated to Manchester. He has cut all contact and moved on.

Since it ended, DH and I have continued getting on so much better. It feels like we are finally finding our way back to each other. I know 100% that I will never, ever cheat again. The guilt is eating me alive, but the madness is over.

Here is the thing: there is absolutely zero chance of DH ever finding out from anyone else. The lover is gone, there are no mutual friends, and all digital tracks are completely wiped.I am stuck in an agonizing loop.

YABU
Do I tell him the truth, destroy his world, and break up our kids' home, or do I leave the marriage quietly without telling him why?

YANBU
Or do I keep my mouth shut, carry the guilt to my grave, and focus every ounce of my energy on being the best wife and mother I can be?

You'll get people saying never tell and others saying that coming clean is the only decent thing. The people saying never tell are looking at it from your shoes, and the come clean people are imagining things from your DH's perspective.
You know what sort of person he is. Do you think he'd rather know or rather not know?

I couldn’t but what a dilemma to be in
if the roles were reversed would you want to know?

Actually the opposite. I think the don’t tell are considering it from DH side - telling him is the selfish ringing to do in my opinion. Why blow up his world just to alleviate her conscience.

The only reason you want to tell him is because you think it will stop you feeling guilty which is a very selfish reason. If the affair was ongoing, I'll be all for coming clean but as it's over, I would think long and hard about your motivation to talk to him about it now. As far as I can see, it's entirely your responsibility to bear this guilt alone.
And yes, I have been cheated on before and still stand by my view. As long as the affair is over and done with, be a good wife and shut up about it.

Why did you go so much information about the wife? Is this a post to tell her? Anyway I would keep quiet.

Maybe DH is off having an affair too? I don't know how you had an affair with a child under 3. Like when did you get the chance to do that??

Have an std test and get some counselling. Don't blow up his world.

Keep it zipped. Don't tell him if there's no way he will ever find out.

What are you going to go the next time you and your husband aren't getting on?

I think he deserves to know. It's not like you ended this because you realized you were being abusive towards your husband, your affair partner ended it and cut all contact with you, then moved.
Have you had full STI testing?

You've learned nothing.

Good answer 👏

Keep quiet and get on with your marriage. Your children don’t deserve the fall-out that would follow.

Or do I keep my mouth shut, carry the guilt to my grave, and focus every ounce of my energy on being the best wife and mother I can be?

100% this

Telling he blows up his world which is selfish. Don’t tell him and learn to live with it

Yep. Put it in the past and move on.

I have secrets and the only way I'd tell is to get my conscience salved. Why would I inflict that on my DP?

You've got away with it. Your punishment is that you can never talk about it! Hopefully if you concentrate on your marriage and family, you can find happiness. I hope so xx

What if you started getting on better because he was having an affair too? The guilt on both sides made you treat each other better?
Do you want to know if he had an affair, or would you prefer he take it to his grave?

My worry is that the wife will find out one day. Something will slip on his side, something kept, a hidden folder, or he feels guilty then confesses. And then, she may tell your husband. This could take years. Then it will all be so much worse and the hurt will be unbearable for him, that you kept this from him when everything seemed ok. Your marriage will have been a lie. I think, if you really care about your husband, you tell him and face the consequences. It may well be the end if the marriage but I think you already ended it by having a year long affair.

Just tell him before you do it again or break up, cut the cord. I'm not even judging but this is tiresome. Things are "good" now but that doesn't last and you now know when things are bad you cheat. There will be future opportunities and you've taken them before. Also what is this about "destroy his world", bloke is living a lie. Or maybe he's cheating too. Who knows. It must be exhausting though.

Take it to the grave.

This happens more often than people realise.

The guilt is your punishment. Telling him would be very selfish, as it would make you feel better but destroy him.

Lesson learnt, put it behind you, never think or speak of it, and concentrate on your marriage.

Live in the present. It’s all we have

What information? Someone moved to Manchester? From where? It's not outing. Anyway, maybe she changed that detail.

I wouldn't tell him if it's 100% over. If there was a chance you still had feelings for AP or might do it again, I'd be saying come clean and deal with the fallout. Yep, if the boot was on the other foot with all the same circumstances, I'd be saying the same. It's less about him deserving the truth for me and more about him deserving not to have his life and the kids' lives upended. But I'm sure plenty would disagree.

If you can live with the guilt then keep it to yourself.

After being cheated on and finding out from someone else, rather than my partner...I'd say come clean. You say you've wiped evidence, someone always knows 😅
On top of that, you saying you know you'll never cheat again, until when? When things get stale/difficult/unfulfilling again? You only seem sorry because things feel better again, not because any work was put in.

Yanbu

I dont suspect many men in this situation would debate this

But kindly - youve only been married 5 years and its already been super hard - i hope you have plans for if it all ends in divorce?