AIBU to take a 1-year affair that ended this summer to the grave?

[MarbleCreamCoconut]

I know I am going to get absolutely battered for this, and I deserve it. Please just give it to me straight because I am completely lost.

Some context: DH and I have been together for 15 years, married for 5. We have two beautiful DC (10 and 3).

For a long time, our marriage was in a really bad place. We were disconnected, arguing constantly, and I felt completely invisible. During this time, I did the unforgivable. I had a year-long affair with another man.

Toward the end of the affair, things with DH actually started getting better. The atmosphere at home was lifting, we were communicating more, and I had already decided I was going to end the affair anyway because I wanted to focus on my marriage.

It ended completely this summer, about two months ago, when his wife got a new job opportunity and they relocated to Manchester. He has cut all contact and moved on.

Since it ended, DH and I have continued getting on so much better. It feels like we are finally finding our way back to each other. I know 100% that I will never, ever cheat again. The guilt is eating me alive, but the madness is over.

Here is the thing: there is absolutely zero chance of DH ever finding out from anyone else. The lover is gone, there are no mutual friends, and all digital tracks are completely wiped.I am stuck in an agonizing loop.

YABU
Do I tell him the truth, destroy his world, and break up our kids' home, or do I leave the marriage quietly without telling him why?

YANBU
Or do I keep my mouth shut, carry the guilt to my grave, and focus every ounce of my energy on being the best wife and mother I can be?

You cheated so should tell him and let him be the one to decide whether he wants to stay with an adultress or end the marriage.

Here is the thing: there is absolutely zero chance of DH ever finding out from anyone else

I would never say zero. There’s still the off chance other the other could grow a conscience or get drunk and tell his wife. Or maybe he hasn’t wiped his tracks as good as you have and she finds out in two years. I think if you decide to stay with this lie and carry on you need to think that there is always a slight chance he could find out.

I know a couple and their marriage blew apart years after an affair ended because the husband found something that confirmed the affair and he reached out to my friend to tell her about her husband.

🤣

What if he moves back or says he misses you?

Lets face it, the only reason things have ‘improved’ with your DH is because you have no other option.

I personally couldn’t lie to my DP over something so massive (but then again I could never have an affair).

I doubt her marriage is destroyed.
People have affairs and rebuild their relationships in spite of what has gone on in the past. Some confess, some don't; I think it depends on the individual.

Just keep quiet. If things are good now then why destroy it and ruin your kids lives?

If things are better between you, in his shoes I wouldn’t want to know.

(and I’ve been cheated on)

If my dh were having an affair I’d want to know so I could make the decision to leave him. However perhaps your punishment is to say nothing and let the guilt eat you up which it will. Also to add, there’s a saying ‘what’s done in the dark always come to light’

The misandry on this site really is incredible at times! Wife has affair - it's ok, he probably had one too!

If a man came on here to say he was feeling guilty about an affair and was going to keep quiet about it, I guarantee your advice wouldn't be " It's ok, she probably had one too". You'd try to make sure he told her and then lost the house and access to the kids in the divorce.

Guessing everyone saying keep quiet would be saying the same to the affair partner who has traipsed off into the sunset of Manchester with his unsuspecting wife and her new job. He shouldn't break her heart and tell her. He'll never do it again. It would destroy their marriage and would be sooooo selfish. It's the kind thing to do to not tell her. Think of the kids.

I honestly don’t ever see the point in telling him regardless of how your marriage goes. Unless someone else knows and he might find out someone knew other than him (outside of you and your affair partner) then take it to the grave.

Never say a word. That would just be another layer of selfishness to assuage your guilt on top of the selfishness of the affair.

If you are absolutely certain it will never come to light and can live with what you have done and your marriage is improving , why destroy it

The punishment is your feelings.

I don’t think you are out of the woods with your marriage, dont fo anything for now but go to counselling and work on yourself and good luck x

I wish my husband hadn't confessed about his affair. He only did as her husband tracked me down and the OW told my husband this so he came home and told me.

You'll get lots of different answers. All valid. Stay quiet, doing that will be hard and it's the consequence of cheating. Tell him, he deserves to know and make a choice about who he lives with.

I've been on both sides. I say stay quiet.

Keep quiet, forget about it and concentrate on your marriage. Don't let an attack of guilt blow up your world.

People may say they would want to know but they wouldn't. It will scar 4 lives - live with the guilt.

My advice would be to come clean. Once a cheat, always a cheat.

Don’t tell! You have children. Compartmentalise. Men do, very easily.

Did you really think that was a clever comment? It isn't even true. Some people cheat once and never again.

Don’t be ridiculous. OP has to live with herself but why break up a young family.

Enough misery in this world without adding to it.
There’s always someone to cast the first stone isn’t there doh!
There but for the grace of God. …. And all that.

You're going to get an absolute flaming on here BTW so don your big girl pants....
I had an affair in my lpast relationship. I kept it quiet. He never found out. It ate me up alive with the guilt and the stress of him potentially finding out somehow for about 3 years after. It made me very very ill. I knew deep down that the reason I had the affair was because I was deeply unhappy and my ex what a complete cunt. It didnt make cheating right nor did it justify my actions. It did however help me make my mind up to leave.
Do not ruin your DH life to ease your conscience though. That is a really shitty thing to do.
Really question though, even if you managed to keep this from him for say the next 10-20years, what would happen if he suddenly he found out.....? Imagine realising your whole life had been a lie.
I would suggest you seriously consider leaving him so he can be with someone who truly loves him unconditionally.

Oh and saying that nobody knows is utter bullshit and so naive BTW its laughable!!!
I know of at least 3 affairs that the APs have absolutely no idea that I do! I have found out by complete accident and being in the right (or wrong) place at the right time. I could easily shatter their worlds esp when they act all smug or I see them write something on SM thats a complete lie to themselves and their poor other halves......
Lucky for them, I am not a bitch and I don't feel its my place to say anything. But my pint is, I could ruin lives at literally the click of a button!

No 2, as long as you are certain it won’t come out.

Leave it where it is. There is no point. I would advise you to discuss it with a counsellor or it might eat you up on the inside.