ds has refused his first 2 days of year 7

[dinosaursroars]

my ds was due to start year 7 yesterday, he’s got asd but no ehcp which i was already concerned about

i don’t drive so he was going to to with his older brother (y10) on the bus but he wasn’t starting until today so I tried to take him yesterday but was also with my baby in the pushchair and my 5yo.

he got ready and everything but when we were walking to the bus stop he kept saying he didn’t want to go and was getting upset and tried to run in the road and it just wasnt safe as it was just me and also trying to keep an eye on my younger children so i gave in and we went home which probbaly wasnt great

Today I had to do the school run for my 5yo so couldn’t take him in and he was going to go with his brother as planned but he just wouldn’t get dressed he kept saying things like he wanted his old school and he didnt want to start a new school etc so again i gave in as he was going to make my other children late

have phones the school and the head of year 7 is supposed to call me today but hasn’t yet

I just feel like a failure already i was already worried about him going to school and how he’d cope but not actually getting him there i didnt think this would be the issue

She's trying to do exactly that.
She just needs some help.

4 kids and no dad? And one is a baby, had after you’ve known you have a child with SEN and had to get into debt for that child, but still had a 4th baby without a dad on the scene?

If he can't cope with school, how is he going to cope with work, and adult life in general? Part of growing up is having to do things you find difficult or don't want to do, persevering and growing stronger and more mature as a result.

To late to be scolding op now. What is done is done.

This may be a shock to you @OonaStubbs but a lot of adults with ASD struggle with daily adult life and find it harder than those without autism to get work and stay in work.

Being ASD doesn't mean he can just decide not to go to school.

Why didn't you do more to prepare him (as you knew it would be challenging for him)? For instance making the bus journey with him, taking him to see the building, etc, so that at least some things wouldn't be totally unfamiliar and intimidating.

Agree with pp, you HAVE to take him in, even if it's after you've taken your 5yo to school.

@dinosaursroars I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but you've been rather lazy about this, letting an 11 dictate to you when your job is to find ways he CAN do things, not let him just duck out of life.

How are you going to feel when he's 15 and decides that dating real girls is too hard and settles for an AI girlfriend? Or when he's 18 and can't cope with the stress of looking for a job?

Sit down with him and explain that going to school is compulsory. Be very clear he HAS to go, and ask him what would make it easier for him. Hopefully the head of year will be able to give you some suggestions too

Good luck op ❤️

Do you have a meaningful understanding of how ASD can profoundly affect all of these things?

To make these comments without even mentioning the DC's ASD seems either a mistake or seriously unthinking.

I worked with students who found it hard to transition to secondary school (doesn’t necessarily have to be a special educational need reason). Are you able to take the little one in first and then your son to school? I would do this for a week and then eventually just walk him near by. The thing with anxiety and avoidance is that the more you don’t do it, the more big the anxiety becomes. It might be helpful for a member of the pastoral team to meet him at the gate too.

Gentle parenting and everyone wins culture has now got us to the point where a child saying I don’t want to go to school mean mum just gives up and goes home again twice in a row and then asks what to do! Seriously worrying times fro a parenting perspective, it’s not always ASD sometimes it’s just worry about the unknown and you need to give him the strength and perspective that it’s normal to worry and part of life and you dont just back down and go home at the first wobble.

It might be a shock to you to learn that people DO understand that.

My (now adult) DC has ADHD. It's hard for her, but she manages to hold down a job and rent her own home. Yes she struggles, yes it exhausts her, but the point is she is able to live a fully functional independent life.

That's what @OonaStubbs is suggesting @dinosaursroars should want for her son. Yes having autism means that he has more challenges to face and needs more help to face them.

ASD makes transitions so difficult. Call the school, speak to the SENDCO and see if he can be put on the SEND register. Ask if there’s any way he can do shorter days for (eg) half a term, maybe just going in the afternoons or the mornings to build his confidence. Or maybe he can have a designated safe space or a safe person/friend/teacher he can speak to at any time he feels anxious or nervous. Also try to give him a “routine” as much as you can; we tell our year8 ASD son, who’s taking him and who’s collecting every day for a week, put his clothes out the night before, pack his school bag etc. just try to get him “balanced” before school. My son has an EHCP, but before that was on the SEND register and could use the soft start club and the sensory rooms to regulate before going into his lessons. That might help?

@SeenYourArse what on earth are you on about? This is nothing to do with parenting styles or non-competitive events. This is about a child with autism who hasn't been supported properly by the primary or secondary school, with a parent who has clearly got a lot on her plate with the three other children and (apparently) no support from a partner or the children's father.

The OP made the right decision in the moment for the sake of safety. Now she is asking for support on what to do next to get him into school. All very sensible.

Can't stand this argument.

My child is autistic and managing primary OK so far, although he has some struggles. I am very worried about secondary school in a couple of years.
I completely disagree that forcing a child to go into an environment that causes anxiety day after day for years will help 'strengthen' them. My fear is that it could do the opposite and break my child.
I have hope that an adult workplace of his choosing will be much easier for him than secondary school but he has to get through secondary school first.

@MrsJeanLuc My DS has autism. I am thrilled that your DC with ADHD has a fully functional independent adult life. I am desperately concerned and worried daily that my DS with autism won't, and I do everything in my power to work towards increasing the chances of that. Of course having autism means he has more challenges and needs more help to face them. That's what (nearly) everyone here is emphasising, so it's odd that you think I don't know that. What I was questioning was the point and the helpfulness of a post like @OonaStubbs made which implies that there are no issues that a little perseverance and maturity won't solve. Which is clearly bollocks.

I really hope you don’t have children.

It is no wonder we have so many NEETs. People are living in dream world if they think a boy who persistently refuses to attend school is going to walk into "a job of their choosing" which is far easier than school. It's far more likely that they will be unable to cope with work any better than they do school and end up unemployable and on benefits.

Not managing secondary MS doesn’t automatically mean they won’t go on to manage adult life and work. Some do. Some go on to university and work. Obviously some won’t, but it isn’t a blanket given that they won’t. SEN isn’t about not wanting to do things or just a matter of “persevering and growing stronger and more mature”. If that is what you think, you have very little understanding of SEN.

@OonaStubbs we probably have so many NEETS because the education system has failed them.
The OP said an echp should have been done years ago.
But it wasn't.
This poor child was let down by the education system before he had even finished primary.

How are they going to cope with work where there are no "ECHPs" and they are expected to get on with the job they are being paid to do?

Statistically, he is already far more likely the leave school with few qualifications, and never achieve more than minimum wage jobs. Single parent family, multiple siblings, low income household. Statistically, he won’t do as well at school as most others. Which is exactly why he really needs to be in school where the support can target him, so his mum needs to make an effort here and get him in. Even if he spends the day doing revision work in the SEN room. He needs to be in school to have any chance to get out of the lifestyle he is being raised in.

I’m a single parent, and I’m aware of the challenges and the reality of that. My oldest is autistic. So I’ve worked my arse off to make sure my kids won’t be disadvantaged - and they’re both top set in all their subjects, win awards every year, play instruments in a band which won the Scottish youth championship, committed to a sport etc. It doesn’t just happen, it takes work and it takes a lot more work as a single parent. This kid doesn’t seem to have that support behind him. He needs to be in school.

Is it a school bus or public service? If public you can practice the route with him just to get him more comfortable with that. You had all summer to do that and get him used to going on buses on his own but you are where you are so you can do this at the weekend at least.

And you need to keep shouting for an EHCP don’t let the system (its shit) beat you - you have to fight harder.

Definitely keep trying to get him there - don’t give up. late is better than not at all.

Ah. The inverted commas probably tell us a little more about your POV than anything else you've said.

Work places are often much much better at helping their staff members when they have a disability.
Not always but usually considerably better than schools do.
Also adults generally choose the working environment they work in.

I'm autistic and so are my DCs. School was very hard for all of us until we were... about 20 I'd say.

But refusing only makes it worse. Taking him late is a good option. The longer you wait, the worse it will get - singled out with pupils and teachers on arrival, starting to believe he can avoid it.

Make an appointment with the head of year, SN coord or some key person to discuss introduction into the year, and talk (all three of you) about what needs to go into place that he feels he can.

Help you DS open up about his reasons (bullying? Distance? Change? Specific teachers, subjects? Something he finds at home that won't be there, or in his old school but won't be there?) so that you know what do to about him. Sometimes all it takes is knowing his favourite biscuits is in the lunchbox, or cutting a scratchy uniform label.

As an autistic son and parent I know that it's both despairing and wonderful. All the best to you.

Work is a very different environment to being at school.

Some are self employed where they have far, far more control.

Many receive support that enables them to develop strategies to cope and regulate themselves.

Some receive reasonable adjustments at work.

Some receive support via Access to Work.

BTW, it is EHCPs. If you are going to post nonsense at least use the right terms.