ds has refused his first 2 days of year 7

[dinosaursroars]

my ds was due to start year 7 yesterday, he’s got asd but no ehcp which i was already concerned about

i don’t drive so he was going to to with his older brother (y10) on the bus but he wasn’t starting until today so I tried to take him yesterday but was also with my baby in the pushchair and my 5yo.

he got ready and everything but when we were walking to the bus stop he kept saying he didn’t want to go and was getting upset and tried to run in the road and it just wasnt safe as it was just me and also trying to keep an eye on my younger children so i gave in and we went home which probbaly wasnt great

Today I had to do the school run for my 5yo so couldn’t take him in and he was going to go with his brother as planned but he just wouldn’t get dressed he kept saying things like he wanted his old school and he didnt want to start a new school etc so again i gave in as he was going to make my other children late

have phones the school and the head of year 7 is supposed to call me today but hasn’t yet

I just feel like a failure already i was already worried about him going to school and how he’d cope but not actually getting him there i didnt think this would be the issue

She can't exactly put them back in can she?
What use is your comment.

I’m sorry OP this is horrifically difficult in many ways. Hard enough if your DS was your sole focus. trying to manage him bolting with other kids yesterday must have been terrifying.

while not great home again is probably the safest thing. If he was that deregulated he wouldn’t have been likely able to go in when you’d got there.
you need a plan for phased entry with send team. Going in a little later or earlier. They will be experienced in this.

honestly as parent of similar child I get the pain her and I’d come and look after your baby and 5yo if I could so you can give the DS full attention and support.

Wishing you luck. And ignore the idiots on here being nasty.

He/the school can have a clear plan without an EHCP
Yes it would be a good idea to start the process but that will take far longer than anyone wants the DC to be out of school.

Speak to HOY/Sendco, I have known a Y7 child with MH issues spend some time back at their previous Primary school, along with short periods at high school, to ease the transition but no adjustments can be made before the conversation happens.

You are going to need to be quite realistic here. He has refused two days of school and you are talking about when he’s more confident he might be able to get the bus on his own. That might happen in the future but right now that is a very very long way off.

you need to prioritise your yr 7 right now. You need to on top of him and the school every day. You will need to make arrangements for dad/friend to take younger child to school with the baby and you take yr 7 (or vice versa… especially if dad drives). You need to be in touch with the school senco, attendance officer as much as possible. Ehcps are taking an extraordinary amount of time at the moment so building a good relationship with the sendco is vital here.

I'm 2 years into the situation you describe OP and sadly it's a long road. I'm counting the years left at secondary school. The stress it has caused all of us is immense. The system is broken and not built for our ND kids. I've got a fight this year for an EHCP which is in progress. You can do a parental one if school won't do it for you. Also remember when your boy is not going to school it's can't not won't and forcing him in just adds to the trauma of the whole thing. There are some good groups on FB such as Not Fine in School and The Unworn School Shoes where you will get sympathetic advice from people in the same situation. Nobody there will tell you to just drag him to school. Sending you a hug 🫂

Do you have any support from social services OP?

He's ASD. And you want OP to "wallop" him? Jesus Christ. I wish I knew where you lived, because I'd be calling social services with severe worries for your children. Do you abuse them?

For goodness sake where is your empahy. I hope you don't have a neuro diverse or anxious child. Have you never been scared to do something?
That approach will just make things a thousand times worse. The aim is to make him feel safe and secure going to school so he can learn . You can bully or beat a child but you cant make them learn unless they want to.
OP I'm sorry it is very difficult to have an over anxious child. Both his primary school and new secondary school have failed him They should have been aware of his issues with transitions and worked on it in the summer term. The secondary school should have offerred visits so he would know what to expect and feel confident and reassured. I hope the year head and the Senco are able to offer some practical help

op I had this on year 4, it was a nightmare, ds was diagnosed age 4 but school didn’t bother to apply for an ehcp until he started refusing to go in. He’s now in a Sen school and a different kid. Please push for the EHCP, tell the senco you’re aware you can apply for it yourself, that will give them a kick up the arse, did with ours anyway ! Looks bad if a parent is applying rather than the school.
in the meantime ask for a part time time table or a slower transition, going in after 9 might help

Could you take him by Uber tomorrow so there’s less steps to go wrong on the journey and it gets him past the initial first day?

I was replying to the OP. Not to you. Have no idea about your situation.

I had a lot of experience of school refusal from my son when he moved to a new school in year 8.
Overwhelmingly what he needs is to feel safe in school. Safe people, safe environment, safe routine. He has none of those building blocks. You need to move fast too as if he misses the start of Y7 settling in with friends etc its hard to make it up.

I would be very direct with school. You think it's emotional issues/anxiety and there is previous form in primary school. You want to 100% get him in school asap but you need them to give him a little well targeted help.

You need a meeting or call first with all 3 of: head of year, form tutor and Senco. They need to put a bit of "scaffolding" around him that will save them £££'s later. He needs a "substitute mum" or "keyworker" in school who he can get to know and who will check in with him first thing (ideally meet you at the gate) and last thing, to help him manage the transitions and who can anticipate and help with his worries. A consistent, friendly, familiar face will work wonders. Also he will probably need help with establishing a small friendship group, as if he has friends to meet, that will be a big pull. A little help from the SEN department such as a short weekly chat with his key worker will probaly help him find his feet too. You need this person's phone number so you can swap notes and tag-team to keep him on track. Also can the brother do anything to help or don't they have that kind of relationship?

If they can find someone to provide this small amount of support, then you can take him in to meet him/her, have a walk round school, and then the next day hopefully hand him over personally (taxi if necessary). Then build up to taking the bus with his brother. (Although buses can be a whole other problem!).

You are not a failure!

But as you know it’s do important that he goes in asap else his anxiety is going to get even worse.

It’s frustrating the HOY isn’t getting back to you but understandable that they’re incredibly busy - your DS definitely won’t be the only one struggling.

I would be telling him that the teachers will soon come and get him themselves if he doesn’t start going in.

Could you compromise and tell him he can just do mornings and you’ll collect him at lunchtime.

My DD is autistic (no EHCP) and couldn’t cope with the bus and new school, but I was able to drive her in on my way to work as a compromise.
Once she was settled in school then she’d get the late bus home (quieter) and we increased it until now she was fully comfortable

Is there any option of you getting an earlier bus with him or something?

Hes Autistic and poorly supported, its not a discipline issue.
🙄

Oooh, you edgelord! You really told her, didn't you?

Although, the fact that you think 10 year olds go to secondary school, would suggest the rest of your witterings can be safely ignored. The level of intelligence on here is through the floor.

This young man is autistic and starting a new school which is likely 4 times the size of his primary school, its a big deal!

He is a SEN child who needs support and understanding and definatley doesn't deserve to be abused for his disability like you're suggesting.

school should have put measures in place to support him during this transition.

You clearly have no understanding of children with additional needs so why comment?

Hi @FlatCatYellowMat why did you refuse to go to school if you don’t mind me asking?

What happened when you were able to leave school?

Hi OP

There is a whole EBSA thread in “chat” where you might find people who are a bit more sympathetic.

Also not sure if anyone has linked https://notfineinschool.co.uk/ yet .. brilliant people

You are not alone
You are not a failure
You do not need to go into battle with your child

AYou need to get the professionals to do thier job, and provide an environment that your child feels safe and comfortable in.

I went through this and made all the mistakes (removing devices, forcing them in etc), and didn’t realise I was doing more harm than good.

listen to, and be led by, your child

Oh op, I really feel for you. DS has just started year 6 and I know this will be us next year. He just will not cope in the secondary school (dd goes there just fine).

He was non verbal until 7, and despite interventions, an NHS diagnosis at 3, consultants and extra help he is still years behind his peers. He tries so hard, behaves impeccably but just cannot access learning well in his environment.

We were told every year by the senco since primary that they were 'gathering evidence' for an EHCP. It was always 'soon', 'next term', 'it's better to wait until we do it for you'.

We finally had enough after being put off yet again and have just applied for an assesment ourselves.

It will probably be too late for secondary now. I feel a complete fool for trusting the senco were advising me well and not just kicking the can down the road.

Stop giving in. You are meant to be in charge here. Take charge.

Sending lots of love your way, it's so hard to see our children struggling so much with something that so many people take for granted.

You are not failing, the most important thing is to keep on advocating for your son, after all that's all we can do as parents of children with additional needs in a world that's not made for them.

Please reframe your thinking in regard to saying he's refusing, it's really important to use the term he is 'unable to attend' it's a can't and definatley not a won't, they should support you through this. If your having no joy with the head of year then try the SENCO, copy in everyone, head of year, head teacher if you need to, the child's tutor and from today start documenting communication with the school because if you have ongoing attendance difficulties then you may need evidence.

Sadly two of my children who have additional needs crumbled in year 7 so I've been through this and it's tough

There is a really good group on Facebook called Not Fine in School it's well worth joining, if only so you know that your not alone.

What does he do at home when not in school? My mother made ne stay in bed ... no wufi, phone, toys etc.

Can you please describe in detail how you would manage this? From the point of getting him to physically put on a uniform, walk to the bus stop, get on the bau, get off and walk I to school and engage with his timetable. In detail describe to em how you would do it

Having four children means you have chosen to take on a lot of responsibility. You are the best person available to get him into school. Taking him in late would be better than not taking him in at all. If he won't do that then you need to talk to the school to and try to persuade him to come in for a meeting with the SENDCo or his head of year/form tutor.

Oh my god I was told exactly the same thing, for 4 years !!