ds has refused his first 2 days of year 7

[dinosaursroars]

my ds was due to start year 7 yesterday, he’s got asd but no ehcp which i was already concerned about

i don’t drive so he was going to to with his older brother (y10) on the bus but he wasn’t starting until today so I tried to take him yesterday but was also with my baby in the pushchair and my 5yo.

he got ready and everything but when we were walking to the bus stop he kept saying he didn’t want to go and was getting upset and tried to run in the road and it just wasnt safe as it was just me and also trying to keep an eye on my younger children so i gave in and we went home which probbaly wasnt great

Today I had to do the school run for my 5yo so couldn’t take him in and he was going to go with his brother as planned but he just wouldn’t get dressed he kept saying things like he wanted his old school and he didnt want to start a new school etc so again i gave in as he was going to make my other children late

have phones the school and the head of year 7 is supposed to call me today but hasn’t yet

I just feel like a failure already i was already worried about him going to school and how he’d cope but not actually getting him there i didnt think this would be the issue

OP I'd ask for this thread to be moved to the SEN board so you don't get the usual idiots piling on.

This for sure! Divide and conquer - I know it’s nice to have both parents there for the first day of school but going forward will likely need one parent to take one to one school and one to the other school. Obviously most year 7s take the bus like your older son but if your year 7 son is running into the road it is not fair or safe to rely on your yr 10 son to make sure he gets to school. You say you don’t drive but does your partner? Can he change work pattern to fit dropping older kids to school?

what I have known work for a lot of kids is to come in slightly earlier so they are arriving when it’s not busy and they can ‘soft land’ into school. Is there a breakfast club? Depending on how far apart the schools are you could drop oldest at breakfast club time and then return with youngest.

Definitely this.
They will need to come up with a transition plan for him. You need an emergency call or meeting with senco

he didn’t exactly cope at primary school although they said he did and for years said he wasnt autistic as he was fine in school etc and ehcp was supposed to have been started many times but it wasnt and last year the senco kept changing and in the end i had to take out a loan for the autism assessment which wasnt great but if i left it he still wouldnt have a diagnosis now

he did refuse school on certain days like sports day and the christmas assemblies and if he was going on a school trip but most the times i could persuade him or brine hm to go but he did refuse sats week and didn’t go at all that week

i have no family theres no one else to take him in or my 5yo it’s just me. i never said its my older sons job to take him either but theyll both need to be getting the same bus so would need to leave at the same time and maybe if he gets more confident he can catch it alone but hes never got on a bus alone before

Good luck with that. I was a school refuser, my mum didn't drive and had children younger than me - how was she supposed to drag me to school (on the train, followed by a 45 minute walk) with 3 other children either in tow, or delivered to their respective schools. My dad tried, but he had to be in work, and once a kid's crossed whatever that line is we don't care what the punishment is, we just won't go to school, and if you do manage to get us there, we'll be walking straight out.

My parents couldn't have done anything to get me to school physically. It needed counselling really, but that didn't exist back then (or wasn't accessible to us at least) so I just muddled through until I could leave.

Had you gone on the bus with him in the holidays to do the journey?

Sounds like you have too many children to manage. Where is their father?

having an EHCP might make it harder to withdraw them from school

At the moment, if in mainstream, a parent can deregister a DC with an EHCP just like they would for a DC without an EHCP. You don’t need consent.

Work on getting him there even if it’s late, I think you’ll need to go with him all the way in. The bus on his own/with brother is too much to expect

Just looked up the woman who was the educational welfare officer dealing with DD2 for a couple of years who was from a private company engaged by the school for the same.

Her background is cabin crew, customer service and admin. No mental health, SEN or welfare training whatsoever, no experience with children or teenagers and no education experience. Says a lot really. All she did was set up meetings and send letters threatening fines and prosecution.

Did you practice the route to school over the Summer, we did it every day until confidence was gained doing it alone. It was a hell of a lot of change to dump on one kid yesterday if not. We racticec getting up putting uniform on getting to the bus stop etc in bite sized pieces then doing it in reverse. You can t
just chuck them in at the deep end.

@dinosaursroars I'm sorry the primary school haven't been helpful and in fact have been obstructive. Not what you or your DS needs.

Getting a bus for the first time on the first day of secondary school was always going to be a bit ambitious. That clearly isn't going to work for now, so you definitely need a different approach. Keep trying to get onto the SENCO at the secondary school and get a meeting to discuss a plan. Eg. arriving later, slow transition, half days, etc etc until your DS is able to get to school daily.

How was his experience at the school on Moving Up Day at the end of Y6?

Is his father seriously not helping with this? Why?

Can their dad help? You need one person to get the 5 y old to school and another to ensure the older two get on the bus.

I'm going to assume you've never had a school refusing child with ASD or an 11yr old boy who's physically bigger than you. Dragging them isn't really an option.
This mum is clearly trying her best and asking for support, your post is really unhelpful and actually insulting!

I don't know if you'd noticed, but these days rather a lot of us don't think hitting children is OK.

OP said that she had two younger children to manage at the same time. That sounds difficult. I am not sure what hitting the child would have achieved.

OP has he had any transition days to get to know staff and school.

Suggesting to someone to use physical violence against a child is not a good look.
I am sorry that you feel that that would have happened to you.

Year 6 isn't relevant anymore. Mine had 100% attendance in primary school despite me flagging up endless problems and requests for CAMHS. I was always dismissed / put on waiting lists.

The shit really hits the fan in secondary school. Would probably be cheaper in the long run to listen to parents and sort an EHCP out in primary.

Oh dear. If you have children, I feel very sorry for them and hope they can recover from your parenting when they are independent of you. What an ignorant comment.

She didn’t say if it was a regular bus or just a school bus, if the 2nd that wouldn’t have been an option and nor would going on the bus with him

Hi OP, I appreciate this all sounds tough but I do think you need to find a way to prioritise your 11 yr old for the next few days. At the moment it is too easy for him to refuse school - I appreciate his feelings may be that that is what he wants to do but you do need to do everything you can to actually get him to the school whereas it doesn't seem you have done this so far? The first day you said you needed to looks after your 5 yr old and baby and the second day you said you left your 11 yr old to go with his older sibling. Is the father or family of your baby not around? Can you ask a neighbour or friend to take your 5yr old (thinking state primaries are usually only a walk away)? It sounds like you are assuming the 11 yr old will struggle because of his diagnosis but you haven't actually got him to the school gate yet. As others mentioned, did he had a discussion with SENCO on transition? My ASD DC has had bumps in the road at secondary but we have had SENCO support (without an EHCP) and they are managing OK now two years later

You, presumably from that response, have absolutely no idea what it is to parent a child with neurodiversity.

OP, ignore this ridiculous post. Wait and speak with the deputy head. They will generally talk this through with you and offer some kind of guidance. You have not failed. You put your child's needs first. Good luck !

He’s autistic

I'm glad you know me and my children... NOT.