AIBU to resent grandparents who rarely make effort with our son?

[Respos]

My husband is getting increasingly upset about his parents’ relationship with our five-year-old son, and I’m struggling a bit with my own feelings about it too.

They’re both in their early 60s, retired a few years earlier than planned and live about a 15-minute walk from us. They have active social lives, regularly see my husband’s sibling and their partner, go out with friends etc.

But over the whole school summer holiday they have seen our son once. That was because my husband arranged it and took them and our son to the seaside for the day.

They spoke on the phone the other day and his parents said they felt guilty that they hadn’t really seen him over the holidays. But when my husband raised this more generally a few months ago, the conversation seemed to end with the feeling that he perhaps doesn’t facilitate the relationship enough.

There is a bit of history too. Before our son started nursery, they were very keen to look after him on a particular day each week when I returned to work. Then about a week before I went back, they said they couldn’t always do it after all because FIL might sometimes have to work and MIL didn’t feel she could manage our son on her own. It was stressful at the time, although obviously people are allowed to realise that something is more difficult than they expected.

They also talk quite a lot about getting older, needing to slow down and finding things tiring. I’ve known them for 17 years and retirement has always been something they really looked forward to. They’re very much people who like a quiet life and like to get things organised well in advance, birthday presents might arrive two months early, they can be in their pyjamas by mid-afternoon etc - it's always 'get it out of the way'.

I genuinely don’t think they owe us childcare or should have to spend their retirement in any particular way. I think what I struggle with is that they still make time for friends, outings and other family, so I sometimes find it difficult to understand why seeing our son seems to require my husband to organise everything.

Childcare isn’t really the issue. My own parents have been a huge help over the holidays and our son is happy going to holiday club. My husband is just genuinely sad that his parents seem to be missing out on time with him, and he feels angry and disappointed as well.

He now feels the only thing he can really do is make more effort to arrange things. I do understand that, because our son likes seeing them and you can’t control how other people behave.

But I’m finding myself feeling resentful on my husband’s behalf. I don’t really want him to spend years feeling responsible for creating a relationship that his parents also have the ability to contribute to.

I also know I’m not completely neutral here. I sometimes find his parents difficult company, so I’m conscious that may affect how I see things. I don’t want to make the situation worse or encourage my husband to fall out with them.

I think what I’m really asking is how you accept that people may not be the grandparents you hoped they would be, without becoming resentful about it.

AIBU to feel this way? And is it reasonable for my husband to keep facilitating contact, while also leaving some responsibility with them to make the effort too?

I don’t understand the issue with “arranging things”? Is it not just a case of “hi mum and dad do you want to pop over today / can we pop round?”?

It’s not really the practical difficulty of arranging something. It’s more that my husband feels responsible for making the relationship happen. They live nearby and can contact us too, so when they say they feel guilty about not seeing him but don’t actually suggest anything, it feels a bit one-sided.

Does it have to be an outing or big production for the GP to see the DC? Can't they just be invited round to your house for a cuppa one afternoon? Or can't your DH go with your DC on whatever errand needs doing (shopping etc) and call in to GP house on his way home? Why does it need to be arranged in what feels quite a formal way requiring effort?

The blaming your DH for not facilitating is just them pushing away their guilt onto someone else. It doesn't make it true. I'd ignore that. I'd try not to compare the relationship with your DHs sibling, or their friends. They clearly can't accept criticism, or self reflection, so there's no point bringing up the comparison. Just work on what you have and get it to where you want it to be

Sorry forgot to quote! - It’s not really the practical difficulty of arranging something. It’s more that my husband feels responsible for making the relationship happen. They live nearby and can contact us too, so when they say they feel guilty about not seeing him but don’t actually suggest anything, it feels a bit one-sided.

No, it definitely doesn’t need to be an outing or a big production, a cuppa or popping in would be absolutely fine. I think the bit I’m struggling with is that even those small, informal bits of contact still tend to rely on my husband initiating them.

I do think you’re right about the guilt though. He’s taken their “you don’t arrange things enough” comment more to heart than he probably should have.

So really this is less about the GP/GC relationship and more about your DH not feeling valued/loved by his parents? Is that longstanding?

Drop the rope. They’re not interested. You can’t change how others behave just your reaction to it. We had this and I got really worked up over it like you are doing when they were little as I just couldn’t understand it. Looking back I wish I had just chilled! Their loss.

Our 20 year old is fond of them the 18 year old resents them for their lack of effort. So the relationship could go either way. That’s their problem.

Possibly, yeah. He has actually said before that if we didn’t have our son, he thinks he might have cut contact with them altogether. Whether he genuinely would have done, who knows, but it probably does suggest there’s quite a lot of longstanding hurt there beyond just the grandparent relationship. It just didn't bother him the same way before we had our son.

Does it really matter who organises it?
Maybe they feel uncomfortable if they keep asking or think that you are busy and won't want to see them.

Did they ever just pop round before you had a child or when they were younger?

Some people prefer to be invited.

I think this is probably what I need to work on. I’ve been getting quite wound up because I can’t understand their choices, when really they’re theirs to make. The their loss bit is probably what I need to get to.

I suppose the reason it bothers my husband is that they then say they feel guilty about not seeing him, or that he doesn’t facilitate enough. If they simply said “we’re not great at initiating, but we’d love to be included” or words to that effect, it would probably feel quite different.

We have the same with my parents, I just Match their visiting now, relationships are two way and not just me making all the effort and initiating, consequently our visits are now down to duty on birthdays and thats it, they live a five minute drive away.

Im afraid people that haven’t lived this find it really strange, it’s very hurtful and I massively resent my parents, we last saw them on Father’s Day when I visited and haven’t even has so much as a text through the summer holidays, they don’t know we went on holiday or how the kids are and I think if they were genuinely interested they would have been in touch.
After all why should it just be me holding the relationship together and doing al the visiting and hosting whilst they just decide they are not doing it anymore.

What was your relationship like with them before having your son? Did you see them often? Were get togethers quite formal and planned or spontaneous and casual? Does DH see them now without DS? Do you all chat on the phone or message often to catch up?

It sounds like there may be more going on here in terms of the relationship between your DH and his parents. He maybe needs to reflect on that and think about what, if anything, would help there. The issue with your son is separate - you can’t control what others do so if you want them to see your son it sounds like you need to do the running. Do it, or don’t but try to let go of the resentment there as it won’t help or serve you well.

People have this idea that their must be a relationship between grandchildren and their grandparents, that it's owed to both sides. That it would be cruel to prevent it. That's utter bollocks! Some people should not be in other people's lives because they cause a net amount of pain. And a parent's first job is to protect their child from known sources of pain

For whatever reasons, your DH was so hurt/angered by his parents that he thought seriously about cutting contact with them. Why would the existence of your child change the personalities of DHs parents? You and DH are providing another opportunity for DH to be hurt, and exposing your DC to a proven source of pain.

This is said with the caveat that your DH isn't the sole problem. And takes responsibility for whatever his share was in the relationship.

The best thing DH could do is talk to someone about his parents, his childhood etc and work at moving past it

I agree. Disappointment and resentment can only happen when there’s an expectation mismatch. You need to alter your expectations and relax. It is THEIR loss. Let them sit with that.
Saying they feel guilty about the summer is to make themselves present as better GPs, when in fact they didn’t and don’t care enough to address their contact themselves.
Drop the rope.

We had similar with my in-laws too. They are heavily involved with my sister in law's family and we are rarely invited to things. When we are, they forget our kids are independent humans and treat them as being identikit to their other grandchildren. Fact is, the kids could not be more different.

It's not because of their relationship with their son either. He was absolutely the favourite golden child.

HOWEVER, I would say it has significantly improved as the kids have gotten older. They can converse with them, take them for coffee / to the theatre / away for weekends even to follow shared interests. I came to the conclusion that they were largely uncomfortable with younger kids but are just more comfortable with tween and teen kids.

Yes they have missed out on a lot but I'd say it's about hanging in there, facilitating relationships where you can and waiting. What's the saying? This too shall pass.

Honestly we used to laugh at their weak excuses for not visiting! You can’t force a relationship it takes two.

Dh is way closer to my parents now and our young adults adore them. Reap what you sow.

’he thinks he might have cut contact with them already’

ok, so there is plenty of history there. Did your dh leave home quickly and not contact them much until he had a son?

They just sound passive, low energy people. They may well do the things with their other child and friends because the other people instigate it and all they do is turn up.
They may also prefer to wait for their son to make the move because that way they're not being pushy or demanding, which many parents of adults try hard to avoid. It can seem a bit damned if you do, damned if you don't especially it seems in the eyes of DiLs on here!
If they are otherwise good people I'm not sure I'd waste my energy on resenting this one annoying trait. If the ball is in your husband's court to arrange things, then the positive is that you get control over the amount and type of contact, and know if you don't want to see them they're not going to be any bother. There's many people would be grateful for that!

This, the disappointment is inevitable when this happens. You have to match their energy and tell yourself that it's their loss.

What does he say when they say this?

Can he or you respond saying you can drop in any time? (Though on MN we know that is not always appreciated....hence maybe why they wait to be invited. You say you don't need a big outing but if they rocked up at 5pm would you be happy with that or would you fall into the annoyance category of it being tea time, bath and then bed?)

I think it is just down to poor communication.

It sounds like they don't really like children. They probably like the idea of enjoying spending time with their DGC, but not the reality of it. Feel the obligation to be interested in their grandchild, don't feel interested. So they don't have any internal impulse to get in touch and instigate meeting up and push that job off onto your DH.

I think dropping the rope is the right idea here.

My 2 children see their grandparents 4 times a year birthday Xmas and Easter . Gor me my grandparents where the glue that held everyone together . The gathering place for cousins and aunts uncles . They facilitated the family relationships. My partners family do not see each other . We all live 15 mins apart . His mother would say the same and blames him for not cultivatingba relationship but we just return the energy we are given . It takes both sides I suppose . Some ppl are just not family orientated some ppl are . I know I will hope to take after my own grandparents.

Yep, I think this is the bit that’s hard to explain to people who haven’t experienced it. On paper it sounds silly to care who sends a text or suggests a visit, but when it’s consistently one person keeping the relationship going it starts to feel quite hurtful.

I don’t think we’d want to completely match their effort, especially because our son does enjoy seeing them, but I do think we probably need to stop feeling responsible for filling every gap they leave.