AIBU to resent grandparents who rarely make effort with our son?

[Respos]

My husband is getting increasingly upset about his parents’ relationship with our five-year-old son, and I’m struggling a bit with my own feelings about it too.

They’re both in their early 60s, retired a few years earlier than planned and live about a 15-minute walk from us. They have active social lives, regularly see my husband’s sibling and their partner, go out with friends etc.

But over the whole school summer holiday they have seen our son once. That was because my husband arranged it and took them and our son to the seaside for the day.

They spoke on the phone the other day and his parents said they felt guilty that they hadn’t really seen him over the holidays. But when my husband raised this more generally a few months ago, the conversation seemed to end with the feeling that he perhaps doesn’t facilitate the relationship enough.

There is a bit of history too. Before our son started nursery, they were very keen to look after him on a particular day each week when I returned to work. Then about a week before I went back, they said they couldn’t always do it after all because FIL might sometimes have to work and MIL didn’t feel she could manage our son on her own. It was stressful at the time, although obviously people are allowed to realise that something is more difficult than they expected.

They also talk quite a lot about getting older, needing to slow down and finding things tiring. I’ve known them for 17 years and retirement has always been something they really looked forward to. They’re very much people who like a quiet life and like to get things organised well in advance, birthday presents might arrive two months early, they can be in their pyjamas by mid-afternoon etc - it's always 'get it out of the way'.

I genuinely don’t think they owe us childcare or should have to spend their retirement in any particular way. I think what I struggle with is that they still make time for friends, outings and other family, so I sometimes find it difficult to understand why seeing our son seems to require my husband to organise everything.

Childcare isn’t really the issue. My own parents have been a huge help over the holidays and our son is happy going to holiday club. My husband is just genuinely sad that his parents seem to be missing out on time with him, and he feels angry and disappointed as well.

He now feels the only thing he can really do is make more effort to arrange things. I do understand that, because our son likes seeing them and you can’t control how other people behave.

But I’m finding myself feeling resentful on my husband’s behalf. I don’t really want him to spend years feeling responsible for creating a relationship that his parents also have the ability to contribute to.

I also know I’m not completely neutral here. I sometimes find his parents difficult company, so I’m conscious that may affect how I see things. I don’t want to make the situation worse or encourage my husband to fall out with them.

I think what I’m really asking is how you accept that people may not be the grandparents you hoped they would be, without becoming resentful about it.

AIBU to feel this way? And is it reasonable for my husband to keep facilitating contact, while also leaving some responsibility with them to make the effort too?

Don’t say anything. We did and it was a huge mistake! They got massively upset and furious. Was upsetting for dh. It took years to get back on an even keel.

We now accept they are low interest and that’s fine. We meet every few months for a meal and the odd weekend. One young adult teen is fond of them and makes an effort with them. The other does not. I really regret speaking out it was pointless and led to unnecessary upset.

I ended up being quite direct with my MiL and saying that we hadn’t got the impression she wanted to be involved, but that I‘d be happy to facilitate any type of relationship she wanted with our DS. It worked with her (directness often does in Germany ;-) ). She thought about it for a week, said she would never interfere like she felt her own mother had done, but would help whenever we asked her.

She also has health issues that impact her hands and mobility.

We started with short, specific asks - could she take DS out in his buggy while I was at a Dr appointment? Could she come to ours for 2 hours while I got some work done? Could I drop DS off for 2 hours while I went to an appointment? We also went out for lunch together once a week. She got to know DS in small doses, see what she could realistically manage, and build her own relationship with him.

She‘s since moved closer to us, DS(9) goes round after school once a week, and even stays over there sometimes. They have a beautiful relationship. It’s usually us asking for help (she really doesn’t want to ‚interfere‘) but it works.

The flipside is my Dad, who can’t relate to DS or many other people. We now let him be.

Why can't you accept them for who they are?

Is DH's sibling a golden child?

If yes, I suspect DH's parents will change their tune if the golden child has children.

I think DH can facilitate the contact but I wouldn't get involved in it, he needs to realise himself he is on a hiding to nothing.

Help DH leep your own little family busy and happy and DH may realise that he doesn't to run around after his parents.

Hard feelings are natural in a dynamic like this. There’s little point in raising it, as this tends to provoke offence rather than curiosity or reflection. Allow yourself your feelings about it, they will come and go. And focus your energy with those who do make the effort.

I suspect the expectations of grandparents and what they should or should not be doing, about ‘relationships’ and what that means has changed.
They probably have no idea they are doing anything perceived as wrong.
I wonder if the two sets of grandparents are of a slightly different generation too?

This idea of being ‘involved’ and building a ‘relationship’s did not occur so much in my parents day for example. They loved their grandchildren. And liked to see them. But regular updates on what they were up to, doing that week ,would have been too much. They would have spent all their time doing just and only that they had so many grandchildren. Of all ages. I realise there is just the one here.

I would try not to compare. I am sure they love your son. And theirs.

At 60 they're far from old and needing to slow down . I'm 75 and will always babysit or look after my 9 Yr old gs whenever I'm asked . I do like to be asked so I don't just turn up when they're busy etc . Maybe GPs are just not interested , it's sad for your son but you can't force them to want to see him . Go Lc with them .

I think this is the problem with a lot of these relationships. A productive conversation about what's going wrong isn't a realistic option most of the time. The only real option is acceptance or NC or something in between.

They sound massively cautious, pedestrian and small world view. In their PJs by early afternoon, needing to check things off? They're practically waiting to die. Either your husband can impose himself more and just start turning up at theirs / inviting them around, or you can just drop the effort. But don't get sucked into their weird narrative. If they say we feel guilty, then just say 'well do something about it then...'

In your shoes, or your DH's, I would just be direct. 'Listen, Doreen and Ted, I know you want to see little Timmy more, you only live 15 mins away so why not just pop by for a cuppa or let us know when you want to? You can decide when you want to see him as well, you know.'

Yes maybe say that but don’t go any further! It’s not worth it and if their behaviour is basically because of their personalities it’s really not going to go down well or achieve anything! Learn from our mistake!

Massively lower your expectations and value what they are prepared to give and learn to not care is my advice.

It sounds like they’re just not really children people and they want to be but aren’t. I don’t think it’s their fault, they’re in retirement mode and that doesn’t match up with a five year old. Saying that I think ye need to talk to them and arrange visits, I think gps and kids’ relationships are great ones, they’ll all gain from it. Sorry though, it’s hard x

Do they say no if you suggest something or meeting up?

Great advice

This is it, the waiting to die, can’t be bothered to make any effort and everything is in an unbreakable routine.

Why though? Why does it matter? They say they want to see your child. Your child likes seeing them so I am assuming they are sufficiently interested and hands on when there to make visits enjoyable. Why does your husband care that he sends the text when you have availability to say “let’s meet up”? It’s not remotely cumbersome.

It sounds like they perhaps like idea of being a grandparent more than reality .
They sound quite rigid and old fashioned so them just turning up uninvited probably feels rude. Likewise inviting yourself over may be felt to be rude.
My dh has a tricky relationship with mil. When dd was primary age I used to invite her to school events eg carol concert, assembly to see dd get a certificate. No pressure to come or not. I was there. It seemed to suit as it was a short set piece and enabled her to say to friends I’ve seen dd.
Other idea is to see if they want to take ds to a weekly hobby. So take him to hobby, watch, go for a drink/snack after and drop him back.

How many times has your DH initiated a visit to theirs over the summer, or actively invited them to your house?

I definitely feel sympathetic to your situation. My parents live abroad and ensure they see my DC at least once a year despite the journey becoming more taxing as they get older. DC’s paternal grandmother lives abroad as well, but only an hour flight away, and she rarely visits. It’s hard to think that the most important person in your life isn’t the most important to them, and you know they’re missing out. But you can’t change that, so your efforts are better put into nurturing the relationships that both sides want.

Talk to them-say exactly what you have said here. Be clear you love them and want a closer relationship.
Even if they appear healthy, there might be some issues/worries you're not aware of, so bear that in mind.

I was going to start this reply by saying "unfortunately there's not you can do," but I realize I'm extrapolating from my own situation and it's possible your DH's relationship with his parents is good enough that they might be able to talk it out I don't know.

My relationship with my parents is pretty murky but on the face of it civil, respectable etc etc. They retired in their mid fifties and spent the next two decades basically being on holiday (multiple long haul each year plus travelling the UK following a sports team) so visiting had to be arranged long ahead and they would visit us on the way to Heathrow on the odd occasion they couldn't transfer to their local airport. They would buy us lunch at a chain pub they liked near our house which was nice and worked well in its own way. But when DS1 started school they wouldn't wait an extra half hour to see him after school (sort of fair enough it's a long drive but DS was upset) And eventually I discovered they were still stopping for lunch at the chain pub a mile from my house sometimes, they just were no longer telling me about it or visiting. It sounds like such a petty complaint but I found it incredibly hurtful so I do get that your DH feels similarly hurt by making all the running.

The thing is though my parents are now late eighties and a bit frail and it's now unquestionably my job to make all the running, do the visiting etc etc. it doesn't really count that they were so self centered in their sixties, it still turns out to be their turn now. My (cheery) point is, it will probably get worse and the guilt pendulum will swing towards you whatever you do, so make your peace now with being the ones putting the effort in.

Are their any other grandchildren? My inlaws don't even know what our DC children look like like, but SIL children are AMAZING and perfect. Its like ours are forgotten. It does hurt

YANBU!

BIL is pretty quick to fire back at PIL when they comment on not seeing DNs much. DH far less so. We basically put all the effort in when they were small. As a result, DSs and DNs aren’t really that bothered about seeing them much. PIL put their friends first, all the time. It is what it is - not much you can do about it.

That would be very difficult. In our case they were not particularly bothered with any of the DGC. Lots of talk about them - but no real effort. They didn’t know what food they liked, didn’t know the names of any of their friends etc. SIL once pointed this out in comparison to how much her mum knew about her DC, and I remembered that my DGM certainly knew the names of a couple of my friends and knew what each of us didn’t like to eat.