AIBU to resent grandparents who rarely make effort with our son?

[Respos]

My husband is getting increasingly upset about his parents’ relationship with our five-year-old son, and I’m struggling a bit with my own feelings about it too.

They’re both in their early 60s, retired a few years earlier than planned and live about a 15-minute walk from us. They have active social lives, regularly see my husband’s sibling and their partner, go out with friends etc.

But over the whole school summer holiday they have seen our son once. That was because my husband arranged it and took them and our son to the seaside for the day.

They spoke on the phone the other day and his parents said they felt guilty that they hadn’t really seen him over the holidays. But when my husband raised this more generally a few months ago, the conversation seemed to end with the feeling that he perhaps doesn’t facilitate the relationship enough.

There is a bit of history too. Before our son started nursery, they were very keen to look after him on a particular day each week when I returned to work. Then about a week before I went back, they said they couldn’t always do it after all because FIL might sometimes have to work and MIL didn’t feel she could manage our son on her own. It was stressful at the time, although obviously people are allowed to realise that something is more difficult than they expected.

They also talk quite a lot about getting older, needing to slow down and finding things tiring. I’ve known them for 17 years and retirement has always been something they really looked forward to. They’re very much people who like a quiet life and like to get things organised well in advance, birthday presents might arrive two months early, they can be in their pyjamas by mid-afternoon etc - it's always 'get it out of the way'.

I genuinely don’t think they owe us childcare or should have to spend their retirement in any particular way. I think what I struggle with is that they still make time for friends, outings and other family, so I sometimes find it difficult to understand why seeing our son seems to require my husband to organise everything.

Childcare isn’t really the issue. My own parents have been a huge help over the holidays and our son is happy going to holiday club. My husband is just genuinely sad that his parents seem to be missing out on time with him, and he feels angry and disappointed as well.

He now feels the only thing he can really do is make more effort to arrange things. I do understand that, because our son likes seeing them and you can’t control how other people behave.

But I’m finding myself feeling resentful on my husband’s behalf. I don’t really want him to spend years feeling responsible for creating a relationship that his parents also have the ability to contribute to.

I also know I’m not completely neutral here. I sometimes find his parents difficult company, so I’m conscious that may affect how I see things. I don’t want to make the situation worse or encourage my husband to fall out with them.

I think what I’m really asking is how you accept that people may not be the grandparents you hoped they would be, without becoming resentful about it.

AIBU to feel this way? And is it reasonable for my husband to keep facilitating contact, while also leaving some responsibility with them to make the effort too?

Honestly, this is not a big deal. Stop keeping score and just send the text or whatever. If they say no to meeting 99 times out of 100 you maybe have an issue but who sends the text is very very much not worth even noticing.

I don’t think I’m expecting them to parent all over again or be involved in our day-to-day lives. I’m really only talking about some initiative and interest in seeing him, particularly when they themselves say they feel guilty about not seeing him.

I do wonder if part of why it stings for DH is that he sees the relationship our son has with my parents, who are separated and both have partners who work full time, and they still make a real effort to be part of his life. I’m not expecting his parents to be the same, but I can see why the contrast might hurt him.

They've expressed how they feel and it is interesting that they are saying "we feel guilty" over not seeing your DC rather than your version of "we want to be involved" - maybe they realise they ought to be more hands on, tried but failed with the one day babysitting and now still feel bad but it just isn't in their make-up to actually get involved.

The NC choice by your DH is interesting - it doesn't sound like it's coming from a place of abuse or neglect, more just, uninvolvement? Neither side bothering that much. But now he's a Dad your DH has realised he doesn't want to parent like that, which is lovely, but if his parents aren't hugely hands-on - even if they realise they "ought to be" then that's just how they are. Maybe just do some short, hour or so pop-ins, once a fortnight- bit of play, chat and off again.

I appreciate you don’t see it as a big deal, but it does feel like one to us, which is why I posted. It’s not really about keeping score over who sends a text, it’s about the wider pattern and how it makes DH feel.

Hard disagree with this poster, they are plenty young enough to help out. Nobody is asking them to become parents anew BUT grandparents should contribute to the family as a whole ideally lead it and set an example... The grandchild cant organise play dates with his gramps at 5 years old can they? So, the gramps need to step up.

We have a similar situation and have matched the energy as many others on this thread have suggested. It is sad but also liberating to some extent. We definitely would choose better grandparents if we had the choice...

The things they have said fit entirely with the suggestion that they don’t want to impose so wait to be invited?

We have this with my in-laws, and on occasion my own family, though tbf they are older than yours and live considerably further away. I think we saw ILs three times in 2025 (when we travelled to them) and our now nearly 2 year old has no idea who they are (which they admit but don’t seem particularly sad about).

My main issue was that we got phone calls and messages complaining that they’ve not seen the kids - you know where we are! Money and time not at all a factor and very happy to galivant around the uk/world just not to see us. I try to get past it but then feel very sad for my DH who is an only child and only has his mum (who is remarried after his dad died).

We’ve matched their energy a bit now, he realised it was always him calling, so he’s waited to be called. We’ve also been let down a number of times when they said they’d wanted to help (not that they have to but you take someone at their word when they say they’ll help with, say, staggered reception start then book a cruise!). However, having had them say but never follow through with “we can help in the holidays” I took the bull by the horns this year, asked specifically for help for 3 days with our 6 year old, and they really followed through. They planned activities, took her out, and just got to know her. I think that was great for their relationship but I wish they’d have started sooner. They were utterly exhausted and 5 years ago would likely have had lots more energy for her. We’ve made clear they don’t need to ‘do’ anything, it’s just nice for them to want to spend time with her. Time will tell whether it’s been helpful but you could try that - if they offer and your son is happy to spend time with them, try and make it happen and they might see what a fab kid he is and what they’re missing out on.

Seems to me like they are almost literally saying "please invite us" as they are unable within their protocol/upbringing/mindset/call it what you will, to do the inviting. No need to go in all guns blazing. Just invite them round occasionally, informally. Or message them when you're passing their way to see if you can drop in (that one may meet more resistance). See if that makes a difference.

It depends. Some people at 60 are young and riding around on bikes and full of the joys of spring. Some are not.
And whilst not expecting them to parent, the OP clearly has expectations about being a grandparent that I think I was trying to explain are not those that the grandparents would understand. Not because they are evil, nor hateful, nor lazy but grew up with a different understanding of what being a grandparent is about.

What do the other grandparents do that you wish his would do in everyday terms ? I am wondering if you labelled it out in practical terms you could start to encourage them to do likewise ?

Yes, this is really close to what I’m trying to describe. It’s not just “they don’t see him enough”, it’s the complaints about not seeing him while also leaving most of the initiative to us, plus the history of saying they wanted to help and then not really following through.

I really like what you did though, stepping back a bit, but then being specific when you actually needed help rather than waiting for vague offers. I think that’s probably a much healthier way for us to approach it too. And I’m really glad those days went so well for them all.

Nothing huge really. My parents will text to ask how he is, suggest seeing him, invite him over, offer to have him for a few hours sometimes, or just show an interest in what he’s been doing. It doesn’t have to be an outing or childcare.

I think DH would just like some of that initiative to come from his parents occasionally, rather than always feeling like he has to create the opportunity. I do think being more specific about that might actually help.

Maybe they feel they've done their parenting, and they want your DH to step up?

They have adult lives, and their lives don't revolve around your DC. Why shouldn't they see friends etc?

This is interesting because MIL actually spoke to me when I was pregnant about how resentful she’d felt towards FIL’s parents for being very stand-offish grandparents, and said she wouldn’t want to be like that herself.

More recently she’s framed it more as “well, I didn’t have any help at all”, which feels slightly different. So I don’t think it’s entirely that she has a completely different idea of what grandparents are meant to be.

Are there many other grandchildren ? The only thing I am thinking of is that if there are the thought of ‘keeping up to date’ with what they are all doing could seem overwhelming.

I absolutely don’t think their lives should revolve around our son, and I’m glad they see friends and enjoy their retirement. I’m also not expecting them to parent him.

I just don’t really see family relationships as “I’ve done my parenting, it’s my time now”. DH already does make the effort, the issue is that he’d like some of the interest and initiative to occasionally come the other way too.

Our son is the first and only.

I know exactly what you’re saying in your posts - you just want them to show an interest and actually want them to want to spend time with your son. I’m sure my ILs tell everyone about how doting they are as GPs but the reality is that they don’t know them (the little one not at all), they’re just not a part of their lives at all, not for want of us trying. I hope for your sons sake and your DHs sake that you can find a way through and they can have their relationship. I try not to be but I am so utterly jealous of friends who have GPs who are a major part of their children’s lives and how interested they are in them. I’ve tried to come to terms with the fact that makes me a human being and it’s okay to feel that way!

Well he needs to talk to them about that, and try to understand their POV. At the moment, your posts come across as a bit PFB, and as though your idea of what the relationship between your DS and your PiL should be, is the only way to go.

nailed it. I am sorry it hurts your DH but I don't see what he can do about it.

That’s fair re DH talking to them and trying to understand their point of view, and I think that probably does need to happen.

I’m not sure PFB is quite what I’m getting at though. I don’t expect their lives to revolve around him, or for them to provide childcare or see him constantly. I think the thread has actually helped me realise it’s more about DH feeling hurt by the lack of initiative, particularly when they then say they feel guilty about not seeing him. But I do accept that their idea of a perfectly good grandparent relationship may simply be different from ours.

Yes my in laws made no effort. And when we/I arranged something it was all ‘we haven’t seen you for ages’ with a pointed look in our direction. But we would find out they’d been in our area (only 20 minutes from their house) but not called. And when we called them it was always ‘we’ll get back to you’. They were both retired when our kids came along but they just weren’t interested. Nothing you can do about it.

See some people might find your parents approach too much. GPs can’t win! If they are interested in your son when you visit then I can’t see a real problem if they don’t take the initiative. Maybe she has read the posts on MN about evil, interfering MILs

Hi OP this is a really difficult situation. Are your in laws not interested in your husband and you generally or is it more with your child or both? In my situation my parents are interested in my children but not me.. all v strange tbh. It is best to fill your life with other people who want to engage with you but it will always hurt I think x

You can't make your in laws want to be involved grandparents if they don't want to be or can't. I think this is down to their own issues and shortcomings of course but it does hurt x