AIBU to resent grandparents who rarely make effort with our son?

[Respos]

My husband is getting increasingly upset about his parents’ relationship with our five-year-old son, and I’m struggling a bit with my own feelings about it too.

They’re both in their early 60s, retired a few years earlier than planned and live about a 15-minute walk from us. They have active social lives, regularly see my husband’s sibling and their partner, go out with friends etc.

But over the whole school summer holiday they have seen our son once. That was because my husband arranged it and took them and our son to the seaside for the day.

They spoke on the phone the other day and his parents said they felt guilty that they hadn’t really seen him over the holidays. But when my husband raised this more generally a few months ago, the conversation seemed to end with the feeling that he perhaps doesn’t facilitate the relationship enough.

There is a bit of history too. Before our son started nursery, they were very keen to look after him on a particular day each week when I returned to work. Then about a week before I went back, they said they couldn’t always do it after all because FIL might sometimes have to work and MIL didn’t feel she could manage our son on her own. It was stressful at the time, although obviously people are allowed to realise that something is more difficult than they expected.

They also talk quite a lot about getting older, needing to slow down and finding things tiring. I’ve known them for 17 years and retirement has always been something they really looked forward to. They’re very much people who like a quiet life and like to get things organised well in advance, birthday presents might arrive two months early, they can be in their pyjamas by mid-afternoon etc - it's always 'get it out of the way'.

I genuinely don’t think they owe us childcare or should have to spend their retirement in any particular way. I think what I struggle with is that they still make time for friends, outings and other family, so I sometimes find it difficult to understand why seeing our son seems to require my husband to organise everything.

Childcare isn’t really the issue. My own parents have been a huge help over the holidays and our son is happy going to holiday club. My husband is just genuinely sad that his parents seem to be missing out on time with him, and he feels angry and disappointed as well.

He now feels the only thing he can really do is make more effort to arrange things. I do understand that, because our son likes seeing them and you can’t control how other people behave.

But I’m finding myself feeling resentful on my husband’s behalf. I don’t really want him to spend years feeling responsible for creating a relationship that his parents also have the ability to contribute to.

I also know I’m not completely neutral here. I sometimes find his parents difficult company, so I’m conscious that may affect how I see things. I don’t want to make the situation worse or encourage my husband to fall out with them.

I think what I’m really asking is how you accept that people may not be the grandparents you hoped they would be, without becoming resentful about it.

AIBU to feel this way? And is it reasonable for my husband to keep facilitating contact, while also leaving some responsibility with them to make the effort too?

We were pretty much always the initiators before he was born. The difference was that once I was going back to work they were very definite about wanting to have him on a particular day, and I ended up arranging everything around that. So I think part of the hurt now is that there was a period where they seemed really keen to have an active role, and now it feels like it’s gone right back to us having to initiate everything again.

I think this is probably the bit I need to take away from the thread. There may well be a bigger issue for DH to think about in terms of his relationship with his parents, but with our son I probably do need to stop asking whether it’s fair and ask whether holding onto the resentment is actually serving any of us. We can invite them when it feels right, leave the door open, and stop feeling responsible for making it into something it isn’t.

This is really interesting and actually reassuring. I hadn’t really considered that some people might just be much more comfortable once children are older and can chat, go out for coffee, share interests etc.

Iprobably do need to stop treating how things are now as proof of how the relationship will always be. We can keep the door open and facilitate where it feels right, without putting loads of pressure on it.

Not really. He did try to keep a good relationship with them, but over the years there have been various situations where their behaviour has hurt or disappointed him, and I think that’s gradually made the relationship more difficult.

"passive, low energy people” probably describes them quite well actually. And yes, it may be that other people do more of the instigating than I realise.

I don’t think I’d say they’re otherwise straightforwardly “good people” because there is quite a bit of history there, but I do take your point that this particular trait probably isn’t worth me burning loads of energy over. The upside is definitely that we can set the level of contact ourselves.

When my children were young, I used to regularly visit them and my parents visited me. No great production needed.

If older people on here say they don’t often get to see their GC’s, posters tell them to understand parents are busy and to stop pestering them 🤷‍♀️

My parents didn’t want to be seen as interfering (my DF’s mum had been hard work in my parents’ relationship) so did tend to let me lead contact particularly once I was with DH. They also knew we had busy lives so felt it was easier for us to contact them when we had free time rather than them phoning us etc when we were busy We had a close relationship and DC had a good relationship with them too.

There probably is some poor communication in it. I’m not sure I’d quite go as far as “drop in any time” because yes, 5pm at tea/bath/bedtime wouldn’t be ideal (for our son and them) 😂 but we’d absolutely be happy for them to text and say “are you around today, can we pop over?”

I do wonder if there’s something in this, particularly the difference between liking the idea of being grandparents and actually enjoying the reality of spending lots of time with a young child. I’m not sure I’d go as far as saying they don’t like children - I just think they do feel the need to make every contact a big event which of course is exhausting. Our son is also pretty chilled and likes spending time indoors

Sorry to hear it’s like this for you too. Yeah some families are just naturally much more family-orientated than others, and I probably need to stop expecting them to behave like people they just aren’t.

I don’t think we want to completely “return the energy” because our son does enjoy seeing them, but I do think we need to stop feeling responsible for making the whole relationship happen.

I can see how grandparents can feel they’re walking a bit of a line between making an effort and feeling like they’re pestering.

The bit that makes this feel different for DH is that they’ve actually said they feel guilty about not seeing him, while also putting the responsibility back on him to arrange it. If they were just quietly waiting to be invited, I think it would probably bother him less.

That sounds completely fair enough to me, especially if you already had a close relationship and everyone understood that was just how contact worked.

But it’s not exactly exhausting to do? It’s a quick call or text. I honestly don’t see the issue.

When you say they see friends and other family members whos organising that because some people myself included are just really shit at making plans and time does get away from you.

Another one for drop the rope and try to let go of the resentment. I think you will both be happier if you accept they will not be the GPs (and parents?) you wish. Sad but you cannot change their behaviour, only your own. Try hard to help your DP not feel guilty. If they say he should make more effort, I would push back. Have some preprepred phrases (although I guess you won’t see them if you don’t push it). For example I would point out you both work and they are retired, who has more time to organise? I would point out it makes you sad they are not involved but you are not going to force them, it is up to them, Lastly, the oldie but goodie, if they wanted to, they would. Invite them when it fees right to you to do so only. Try to change your mindset and drop any guilt.

I agree it’s not exhausting. That isn’t really the issue I’m trying to describe. It’s more the emotional side of always being the one expected to initiate, especially when they’re also saying they feel guilty about not seeing him. I think that’s the bit my husband finds hurtful.

Yeah they may well not be the organisers in those situations either.

I included that more to show that they aren’t actually frail or housebound, even though they often talk as if they really need to slow down because of their age. They do get out and see people.

Your in-laws won’t feel like they’ve missed out when the kids get older because they don’t really see spending time with your DCs as valuable. It doesn’t mean they don’t love them and it doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy them when they are together. They can take or leave them and that’s fine 🤷‍♀️

I wouldn't pay too much heed to the idea that your son loves them. Young children are programmed to love any family that they spend time with, irrespective of whether it's reciprocated, supportive or an abusive relationship. Better to lead the relationship yourselves, let the objective adults with a bit of life experience determine how to proceed.

This is probably where I need to get to.

I also really like the idea of having a couple of prepared responses for DH if they put the responsibility back on him again. helping him not absorb that guilt is probably more useful than me getting angry on his behalf - I really am trying!

I do take your point that we’re the adults and ultimately it’s for us to decide what level of relationship feels healthy. I probably wouldn’t dismiss the fact that he enjoys seeing them though, that matters to me, even if it doesn’t mean we should be doing all the work to maintain the relationship.

Putting myself in the GPs' shoes, I wouldn't be comfortable inviting myself round. It's hard not to feel like you might be overstepping and perhaps causing an inconvenience. Ditto suggesting going out somewhere - I just would not want to feel I was imposing on your valuable time. I would pretty much always wait to be invited. But also, I would perhaps not invite the GCs to mine because I don't have enough things to entertain them or I'm worried about the mess it will make.

So overall I think you and DH (not just DH) need to invite them round more if you want them to have more time with your DC.

Some people have families that live in each others pockets. Some do not.
I suspect if you said to them about ‘not having a relationship with your son’ they would have no clue what you were going on about. Nor what your expectations were around ‘relationship’.
Grandparents when they were young probably did not generally have ‘relationships’ as you mean. They saw their grandchildren. And loved them.
But they did not get ‘involved’ in their day to day lives. Unless they were from the sort of family that lives in each others pockets.
There should be a difference between being a grandparent and being a parent.
Grandparents should not find themselves being a parent all over again. Nature does not allow for it, because yes, it is too tiring.
Your expectations of what grandparents should be seems too much.

By the time retirement comes, they may well be set in their ways. As may you be when you reach 60+. It is not the same as being 40 odd. Nor even 50. My parents loved their grandchildren who they looked after regularly. But the children exhausted them. As you may well find out yourselves in good time !

My ex mother in law was like this, and to a slightly lesser extent my parents (the expectation that we would always visit them etc, my dad in particular probably set foot in my house once his whole life, he used physical disability as the reasoning)
It's important for you and your husband to let this go, they don't have any particular wish to see your son, your DH and you need to cultivate a 'nice to see you' approach if they do pop round and don't bother if they don't, learn to brush of the guilt phrases they are trying to use, it really doesn't need to have the impact its having x

I can understand that, and I do think there may be some element of them not wanting to impose. That being said they’ve said they feel guilty about not seeing him and have also suggested DH doesn’t facilitate enough. If they just preferred to wait to be invited, I think that would be easier to understand.