AIBU to call off our wedding ten days before the ceremony?

[ThisFunnyZebra]

I have found myself in an unbearable situation and don’t know what to do. I’m getting married in 10 days and am literally having panic attacks at the thought of it.

It’s all paid for, everyone’s invited, everything is booked and organised, we’ve been on the hen and stag parties, and the honeymoon is booked straight after the wedding.

We have two children (twins), aged 22 months.

The wedding was supposed to have happened two years ago, but I fell pregnant so we decided to postpone it as it was going to be around my due date. I was really looking forward to it at the time and things were good between us.

Fast-forward to now, I actually can’t bear to be around him. He is useless with the twins, I do absolutely everything around the house, carry the mental load, do the shopping, housework and work full-time. He’s fucking useless.

I’m not sure why I didn’t see this before, probably because it was less of an issue before being parents. We both had our own lives, seeing friends etc.

We have nothing in common. We have no conversation, nothing to talk about, he’s not even interested in talking about the kids. I’ve actually noticed he’s got no personality. We hardly have sex, and when we do it’s just to get him off my back. I know that sounds bad, but I actually fucking resent him so much I can’t bear the thought of him coming near me.

I know I’m not perfect and since having the kids I’ve also changed. They are my priority and I just don’t have time for him after completing my day.

I shouldn’t have let the wedding get this far, but it was booked years ago and I thought things would get better. We are kind of in the trenches at the moment with the twins. But I honestly feel sick at the thought of marrying him.

How can I call it off at such a late date? Should I just go through with it and, if things don’t improve, get divorced? I’m fucked!

Call it off but try and repurpose some of the reception as a meet and greet/celebration for the twins? Use everything you can’t get refunded.

Please don’t ask your friends and family to travel across the country to witness you saying vows to someone about how much you love him and want to be with him, when the whole thing is a complete sham. That’s not fair on anyone.

I would go through with the wedding. you are far more protected married.
You won't split immediately due to the twins... grin and bear if for the wedding and few months.

Don't marry. Your anger and resentment will multiply ten fold and the children will be affected no matter how much you try to hide it.

Rip the bandaid off now. A little embarrassment and a few phone calls are a lot easier than a messy, angry divorce. Good luck

I agree with this.

Does the job but puts the focus on just dealing with the cancellation matters for the moment. The rest can come later.

I read that one in three engagements doesn't end in marriage.

I called off a wedding with three months to go myself, many years ago now. It was awful at the time but all my friends and family were really supportive. I know five others who ended their engagements too, it's more common than you think.

I'd much rather my friend called off their wedding than went through with it. One of my friends did go through with it and they'd initiated divorce proceedings in less than two years. The divorce dragged on for longer than their marriage had even lasted and was extremely expensive as everything was dragged through court.

Did you read this? Fast-forward to now, I actually can’t bear to be around him. He is useless with the twins, I do absolutely everything around the house, carry the mental load, do the shopping, housework and work full-time. He’s fucking useless.
His share of the wedding expenses are the cost of him being a shit partner and a worse dad. She had to pay those expenses too. Would you say that if he cheated? Failing to show up as a parent is a huge betrayal too.

Do not marry him. My friend married a man she shouldn’t have a few years ago, and the divorce was long, expensive and painful. She realised about 2 weeks after the wedding it was a mistake and it was too late. Better to inconvenience your guests and be a bit embarrassed than cause yourself a lot of grief. Do not marry him!

She's unanimously deciding to walk away from a commitment. It's her choice, so of course she should reimburse him.

She could and probably should have walked away ages ago, not 10 days before a wedding that cost probably thousands.

You're incorrectly conflating the the separate issues of him being a poor father and partner and financial obligations.

You poor thing, i do feel for you.

I was in a similar situation (minus kids). I went through with it. The marriage was, of course, a disaster which only lasted a couple of years.

You can't marry him because you feel sorry for him. Hes a grown up. You're not responsible for him. Breaking up with him will hurt of course , but youre not doing it deliberately to hurt him, you're doing it because there's no other reasonable option. You can't sacrifice your whole future just to keep him happy.

In the long run having the courage to call it off will be doing him a favour as well.

You can get through this 💐

better stop the wedding and sort out the future for you and your twins than be dragged through a painful long divorce

Run! My uncle had similar fears (even had dreams of his wife to be abandoning him in an apocalyptic situation) and he still says to this day he regrets not calling it off. Would have saved him a lot of money and suffering. He’s also jaded now which is really sad to see as he was always a really nice happy bloke.

But she hasn't made the commitment yet - that's what the marriage is.

By your logic, if she cannot afford to do that, she should just marry him and be miserable for ever?

She should make vows that she doesn't believe?

Staying together 'for the kids' is a terrible idea, 'for the finances' is an even worse one.

OP, ignore this terrible advice, you do not owe your partner money. You don't have to buy your freedom!

Terrible, terrible advice.

If you feel like this, you call it off now. The misery of going through something you don’t want is not worth it. It’s also unfair to your partner.

Call it off & separate. It is never easier later (again, bitter experience).

Call it off and ask him to move out to give you breathing space. Lots of people get a bit jittery around getting married but yours is more than that you don't even like your partner no or love him. Can you speak to your Mum or a close friend and ask them to help you cancelling the wedding? Don't get married just because it's expected or you can't face cancelling it.

I realised on my wedding night that I'd made a terrible mistake, and stayed for another 15 years of misery. I was worried that I'd inconvenience everyone by being unreasonable. I was not unreasonable.

Much better not to get married in the first place, OP.

You've had a really hard time. Twins must put a strain on any couple. Practically speaking I think I would go ahead. If you don't go ahead does that mean you would then split up. Tbh I don't think I would cope with a full time job and twin toddlers as a single parent.

Agreed, what a response from him…!

“I’ve been thinking about your response to my wedding doubts. I don’t think ‘losing money’ or ‘looking stupid’ are good enough reasons to go through with a lifelong commitment to somebody. When I get married, I want it to be because my partner and I can’t imagine life without each other. Don’t you?”

You have a lot on your plate OP, so don’t think you have to tackle all your problems if you’re not ready. A good man would take this as a massive wake up call, and make some big changes. Though I suspect his reaction will be to leave if you cancel the wedding, which tells you all you need to know.

There’s a life out there for you where you aren’t taken for granted daily by this man. Life’s too short to accept this nonsense.

You need to speak to someone else that you trust like a close friend, parent... tell them what's going on, get them to help you face the next step which is cancelling everything. Get the trusted person (your bridesmaid perhaps?) to help you with cancelling things and telling people that it's off.
I'm afraid you're going to have to call it unilaterally, your fiancé is not in the place to help you out with that side of it, especially as he's not in a good place right now amd looking at it as too embarrassing to cancel.

Splitting up or not can be a separate, later decision perhaps? Either ask him to move out for a bit for some space or you could do couple's counselling. Even if the result of the counseling might be to affirm that the relationship is not going anywhere, it could still be helpful. Especially as he is the father of your twins and there are practical issues, even if you do split up, around childcare etc and it's currently not working for you.

It feels so scary and embarrassing to take the first step on this but imagine how shit both you and your partner will feel doing the whole walking down the aisle thing and saying vows that you don't mean with everyone congratulating you on the 'happiest day of your life'.

People will totally understand when they hear you have called the wedding off because nobody thinks someone should just go through with something if it's wrong for them.

Good luck, we are all rooting for you

That sounds really nice to be able to just not think for a bit. Just go to work and then have someone else think about everything that needs doing! Very nice.

I believe you will never regret cancelling the wedding., but you will regret not cancelling the wedding.

I was in this exact situation. I actually got married because i felt it was too late to call off the wedding, mainly because I didnt want to upset anyone, I was divorced in less than two years and the stress and cost of it was enormous.
Things may have changed now for the better, legally speaking, but I know things would've been so much easier had I just called it off in the beginning.
You do have young children to consider though and how you will navigate the split financially and parental access etc.
Do you have a good support network around you?
Good luck OP.

This is a lovely idea OP! Did you have a Christening or naming party for the twins yet? If not speak to your celebrant and see if you can tailor it to them instead of being a wedding?

All your friends and family have agreed to travel and arrangements have been made, it can still be a lovely get together.

You can explain ahead of time that for various reasons you’ve both agreed to postpone the wedding element. It’s your own business why.

You can't get married just because it's all booked and paid for.....That's madness!!!
I guarantee, the thought of calling it off will be far worse than actually calling it off. People will get over it, it's just an inconvenience that's all.

Always better not to marry if you know you cannot stand your prospective spouse. I mean you should not lie through your vows! They are important commitments. That makes the decision easier.
Better to be honest now. Many will be relieved and I bet some people will be going - phew. No one wants to see people get married when it’s a mistake.
But does he really do nothing ? Can you afford the childcare if he is that useless? Does he sit in the house and help at all with babysitting? Maybe there is a co-parenting half way house until you’re all in a new place?