AIBU to call off our wedding ten days before the ceremony?

[ThisFunnyZebra]

I have found myself in an unbearable situation and don’t know what to do. I’m getting married in 10 days and am literally having panic attacks at the thought of it.

It’s all paid for, everyone’s invited, everything is booked and organised, we’ve been on the hen and stag parties, and the honeymoon is booked straight after the wedding.

We have two children (twins), aged 22 months.

The wedding was supposed to have happened two years ago, but I fell pregnant so we decided to postpone it as it was going to be around my due date. I was really looking forward to it at the time and things were good between us.

Fast-forward to now, I actually can’t bear to be around him. He is useless with the twins, I do absolutely everything around the house, carry the mental load, do the shopping, housework and work full-time. He’s fucking useless.

I’m not sure why I didn’t see this before, probably because it was less of an issue before being parents. We both had our own lives, seeing friends etc.

We have nothing in common. We have no conversation, nothing to talk about, he’s not even interested in talking about the kids. I’ve actually noticed he’s got no personality. We hardly have sex, and when we do it’s just to get him off my back. I know that sounds bad, but I actually fucking resent him so much I can’t bear the thought of him coming near me.

I know I’m not perfect and since having the kids I’ve also changed. They are my priority and I just don’t have time for him after completing my day.

I shouldn’t have let the wedding get this far, but it was booked years ago and I thought things would get better. We are kind of in the trenches at the moment with the twins. But I honestly feel sick at the thought of marrying him.

How can I call it off at such a late date? Should I just go through with it and, if things don’t improve, get divorced? I’m fucked!

My cousin did this years ago 4 days before the wedding. Best thing she ever did admired her courage and told her so. There was some bitchiness from others (was actually quite an eye opener) but my advice is call it off NOW. I've been married over 40 years but If you were my daughter I would be helping you with cancelling everything. It's much easier to undo a wedding than a marriage!

If he knew how seriously unhappy and exhausted and disconnected from the relationship you are is there a chance he might pull his weight more with twins and house and make an urgent effort to connect... It won't solve the intensity of the pressures you are both under, especially with 22m twins, ibut at least then the situation would be more open. You aren't responsible for his mental health a besides your own is vital and not just for your children although of course they matter a great deal.

This isn't about saving money on a party or keeping up appearances. Those things are utterly trivial compared to your happiness and the foundations of your relationship and family.

I don't think you should feel forced to go through with a wedding for any other reason that you want to be married to this person.

It will need to to be a determined and uncompromising conversation. It is the most loving thing to do.

I'm really sorry to see how low you are currently feeling. It sounds so lonely.

I hope you will both be able to find a way though to the understanding and connection you deserve and need.

I knew a couple that did this. Called the wedding off just before the date but stayed together for the young kids. They broke up properly not long after.

You would be nuts to marry someone you can't stand! Marriage is tough enough when you love someone one!

If you feel that way, why would you go through with the wedding?

Just do it it's as easy as that otherwise u gunna b stuck and unhappy rip the band off all in in one go and end the relationship have a fresh start your gut is screaming at U so listen to it x

My friend went through with a wedding she knew was not right. They are now divorced. Yes, you have spent money but that money is gone anyway.

Try and claw back something from wedding or offer it as a package to the highest bidder.

Go on the honeymoon with a friend if that helps.

Marriage is legally binding and just more hassle for both of you.

If you want to soften the blow to him and/or family you could say you are postponing. Then seek counsellor wirk put a suitable parenting arrangement.

I am so sorry.

Oh how hard. But cancel. Do it today x

Lots of stress and upset going on here, sounds like you are both suffering for different reasons. Also having young children is a lot for you to manage.
I would sit down with him and explain everything, how you are feeling, and decide you need time to work through your feelings to see if you can re-build your connection. You can either do this married or not married, only you guys can decide what's best. This just sounds like the wrong time to get married, unless you both commit to the marriage knowing how you are both feeling now and agree to work on the relationship and get support to help navigate your future lives together. It's down to how much you both want to stay and make it work.

If it helps at all - my friend called off her wedding quite last minute, it was abroad and we'd already booked flights and hotels etc and been on the hen - none of us were annoyed at her, and it was definitely the right decision, a few years down the line she married someone much nicer.

Do not go through with a farcical marriage.
It’ll be expensive now but divorce & the legal fees, hassle and anguish will be much more from within a marriage.

Nobody with any intelligence would blame you. Shut down the naysayers. Just ignore their ignorance.

Just start making the calls today. Don’t marry him! Just don’t.

His response to cancelling the wedding was centred around sunk cost fallacy and not looking stupid. You should only go ahead with it if you are in love, committed to each other and see a future together as a family with your little twins.

This could be tough, but it will be easier to break up now without the expense and process of a divorce on top down the line.

I'm sorry you're in this position OP. Hope you find a way through ❤

https://forbetterforworse.co.uk/offers/

See if you can re-sell the whole package. Or postpone then re-sell.

You can't live your life doing what other people want you to do and his bereavement shouldn't come into this.

You won't suddenly start loving him again, once it's gone as bad as it's gone, it's gone. Don't get married. Yeah, have to lose money, will have to explain to everyone but you won't look stupid.

I married a man I knew I shouldn't. Very similar, I realized what a useless, lazy, needy child he was about 2 weeks before the wedding. Massive, gorgeous wedding. I was such a coward, so I went through with it.

Left 18 months later, he actually turned so much worse after the wedding too as he thought I wouldn't leave. It was hell.

Divorce is massive, massive pain. Don't do it. Just walk away.

People will judge you for divorcing him later anyway.

It's been 10 years since I divorced and I still get people joking about wanting their wedding gift back.

Everything's paid for, but you won't get a refund when you get divorced. Just call it off.

Please call it off, for your own sake. It's irrelevant what everyone else thinks, this is about you and your kids. Take the advice from those of us that went through with it, because the longer it goes on the harder it is to leave, there's always a reason to stay. Then you find yourself having lost the best years of your life. I'll be hard but will 100% be worth it.

Call it off.

Aww what a very difficult situation to be in, divorce will be a lot messier and I am sure he rather you cancel then reluctantly go through with the marriage for convenience.

Call the wedding off. Then start to sort out your problems. I don't know if you personally are in a better or worse position being married/unmarried but marriage will 'firm up' your commitments to each other and it sounds as though that won't be to your advantage right now.

Listen to your feelings.

You can’t marry someone just because you feel sorry for them or because you feel too embarrassed to cancel.

Two thoughts.
If he felt this way, would you want him to go through with the wedding anyway?
and
Don’t you think he deserves to marry someone who really wants to?

I would 100% not marry him if you feel this way

I wouldn’t just cancel without having a conversation with the guy first, jeez… Can you imagine how utterly blindsided he’d be by it? Does he even know you feel this way about him? Have you had any conversations with him about it at all over the past 2 years since you became parents?

You probably shouldn't go through with it, but remember he'll still be the father to your children, so it's only right that you reimburse him for his share of wedding expenses.