AIBU to call off our wedding ten days before the ceremony?

[ThisFunnyZebra]

I have found myself in an unbearable situation and don’t know what to do. I’m getting married in 10 days and am literally having panic attacks at the thought of it.

It’s all paid for, everyone’s invited, everything is booked and organised, we’ve been on the hen and stag parties, and the honeymoon is booked straight after the wedding.

We have two children (twins), aged 22 months.

The wedding was supposed to have happened two years ago, but I fell pregnant so we decided to postpone it as it was going to be around my due date. I was really looking forward to it at the time and things were good between us.

Fast-forward to now, I actually can’t bear to be around him. He is useless with the twins, I do absolutely everything around the house, carry the mental load, do the shopping, housework and work full-time. He’s fucking useless.

I’m not sure why I didn’t see this before, probably because it was less of an issue before being parents. We both had our own lives, seeing friends etc.

We have nothing in common. We have no conversation, nothing to talk about, he’s not even interested in talking about the kids. I’ve actually noticed he’s got no personality. We hardly have sex, and when we do it’s just to get him off my back. I know that sounds bad, but I actually fucking resent him so much I can’t bear the thought of him coming near me.

I know I’m not perfect and since having the kids I’ve also changed. They are my priority and I just don’t have time for him after completing my day.

I shouldn’t have let the wedding get this far, but it was booked years ago and I thought things would get better. We are kind of in the trenches at the moment with the twins. But I honestly feel sick at the thought of marrying him.

How can I call it off at such a late date? Should I just go through with it and, if things don’t improve, get divorced? I’m fucked!

My rule of thumb is that most people regret the things they didn't do as opposed to the things they did do. I think this situation is one of the times that breaks this rule. Don't get married if you aren't 100% sure.

Oh and another reason for having a christening / twins party instead to give you breathing space rather than just cancelling… you sound like you really need a holiday, OP. Go on the honeymoon, you deserve it.

Just treat it as a normal holiday, spend the time talking, have all the conversations you need to have that you don’t have time for with full time work + twins. Really see if there is anything there to salvage, away from the trenches of everyday life. You’ll know by the time you come back.

OP, twins is a huge workload.

Can you manage childcare and financially if you split?

Can you tell him the wedding goes ahead but as part of the marriage contract he promises to you that he ups his game - and if he can't promise that then the wedding is off?
And condition 2 - couples counselling to establish how you work as a team in the face of your (lovely) twins?

The workload will ease off in two / two and a half years when they are at school. Is it worth holding on til then because life as an actual single parent of twins will be harder than staying with him for now?

I realise this is a very pragmatic approach and not what the romantic loving side of marriage is supposed to be like but for years aspects of marriage have been exactly that.

if you are financially independent and can manage - fine, call off the wedding. Especially if you could lose assets in a divorce (have more pension, salary etc than him)

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

I went through with it thinking he would improve. He got worse, much worse. If its serious doubts and not just nerves, you are better not to marry him. Equally as you have told him your thoughts, he ought to be asking you why and asking if anything HE can do. He doesnt seem to have self reflected that he is the issue for you.
A naming day/celebration day for the twins is a lovely idea - even the celebrant will still have a role on the day.

You really need to tell him why. In my experience, if you are doing all the heavy loading now,.it wont change, they dont suddenly step up as the kids get older. Hope you make the right decision without too much stress.

Talk to your partner and tell him you don’t want to go ahead with the wedding. Explain how you’re feeling and how you don’t want to get married knowing you don’t love him and you don’t want to spend the rest of your life with him. Then cancel everything. The holiday? See if someone else can go and offer to pay for the name changes needed.

Op, I'm begging you as a stranger on the internet, to please not marry him.

Trust me, the short term pain of cancelling will be much less than the long term pain of going ahead.

In case you're embarassed, you have nothing to be embarassed about. It takes more strength to back out now.

If you are embarassed, just message your family and ask them to let everyone know.

Friend had the big wedding, they spilt 4 months later and it took 2 years to actually divorce the dickhead, expensive, messy.
Do NOT marry. Pause.
Even if you stay with him you need a massive reset.

Definitely cancel lovely girl, although it'll feel awful I promise it'd be a lot easier than going through with it and then getting a divorce.

Get someone you trust to help with the admin - phoning people to say it's cancelled - whilst you deal with the bookings.

If he's this bad before you're even legally joined, it won't get better it'll get worse (I've been there) and you deserve so much better. Get it done dearest, and get on with your life. xxx

Well, I had doubts before I married the father of my children, but I knew that if I didn't go through with it, I would have no rights if we split up.

But if you are 100% sure that you will be financially okay, then don't marry him.

Yes, sounds like you need to cancel the wedding and split up.

I get that you wouldn’t have realised that he was a shit and lazy parent until you actually had kids, but the bit I’m struggling with is that you’ve only just noticed he’s ’got no personality’. You’ve been together more than two years but have only just spotted the lack of personality, which is strange.

Call off the wedding
Cancel the marriage
End the engagement
Leave the relationship.
Your heart and head will thank you for it.
All the best x

We got married when our youngest was about 18 months and the eldest was still 3. My response to my Dad when he was checking in with how I felt about it all when we were the only two left in the house on the day of the wedding was that I was content and relaxed, we'd already committed to each other with babies and mortgage and this was the fun part and I definitely knew I wanted to be with this guy forever.

Your fiance has not shown himself to be the partner you want or need in your parenthood journey or your love life. You're having second thoughts not because you're worried about all the fuss but because you can't see a happy future together and that's the main issue here.

It will be very brave of you to pause things now and not to be swept along with the momentum of the wedding beast. I'd assume you're feeling overwhelmed and panic about what other people will think. That's not more important that preventing yourself being legally joined to a man you don't want to be with.

Yes, it sounds like he's had a tough time of it recently but nearly 2 years of bringing up twins is a couple in the trenches and it should have given him a chance to show how supportive he is, what a good father he can be, how much he still adores you physically, mentally, and emotionally. Even if you've already got a home and kids, you should still be feeling excited and giddy about declaring your love and commitment to each other in front of your friends and families.

I went on a hen do for a wedding that was already called off before we went. Not even my friend, it was my mate's sister, but we had a weekend of supporting her and celebrating being happy and free. I've also been on a hen which was cancelled after the hen partly because of conversations that took place on the hen where the bride to be realised how controlling the groom to be was of her life, her money, her career, her social life. e.g. "I've loved being out with you girls, I miss going dancing, Rob doesn't let me go out without him anymore" "Um, Jenny, that's not normal and that's not OK" etc.

Not that those are the same situations as yours but both of those brides to be who didn't become brides with those guys went on to have other much better relationships and children and careers and freedom because they said no to something they knew would make them miserable.

My DH's colleague asked his daughter if she was sure as before he walked her down the aisle "we can walk out of here now, I don't care about the money or the gossip, I just need you to know you don't have to do this unless you choose it". She chose it, they split up within the year and had a very expensive and stressful divorce.

If you know it's not right, it's not right. Talk to your parents, talk to your best mates, talk to your boyfriend. It's OK. You won't be the first or the last. Think about the pure relief you will feel when the pressure is off and this gets cancelled.

I think a lot of people in this situation end up going through with it because the thought of the shame and stress and expense of letting so many people down is too much to bear. They’re not brave enough to do it. You need to be brave and call if off. Yes it will be hell for a few months, some people may be angry etc but it will pass and you’ll be so glad you got out while you could. Ask yourself if you’d rather have a miserable few months or a miserable rest of your life

You say you are in the trenches with the twins- just to play devils advocate here, do you think that when they are a bit older, dads interaction with the twins changes as it’s not so all dependent on you, and things ease up, will you feel less animosity towards him?

I remember those early days and it is really tough, and tests most relationships, and I’m sure in the same situation if people weren’t already married there would be less weddings going ahead! Having gotten through that, I did find a light at the end of the tunnel, but only you know deep down how you feel and if this is worth pursuing or not.

I'm a mum of twins and my marriage was really on the rocks when mine were the age yours are now. I remember someone online saying don't make decisions about your relationship when you have very young children, as it's not a true reflection of your relationship. HOWEVER my husband has always been a very involved Dad and shared the responsibility of parenting, right from the start and continues to be now. If he's hands off with the kids now, and has been he whole time even before his bereavement and current MH issues, that is unlikely to change and I personally wouldn't want to marry someone who isn't willing to share the responsibility of his own kids. I think you should cancel the wedding.

The looming date of the wedding is making the fundamental decision really difficult for you. So many decisions to make at once.

It sounds like you've already had a conversation with him about the wedding, but maybe you need another one where you both really talk about the relationship.

I think @givemesteel had some good points.

Another pp also suggested if it would be possible to postpone the wedding to give yourself more time to think through things without that pressure.

That said. You also have to listen to your gut instinct.

Very true.

So you can either lose the money now or lose it in the future and pay for a divorce on top too.

This comment needs to be considered.

If you are not going to split up, you may want to think about the legal protection you get from marriage. Having children with a man without the protection of marriage is quite risky, especially if you have sacrificed your career or gone part time to care for the children.

When I left my first H, one of the reasons I could afford to was because his pension was much bigger than mine, so to equal things out, I walked away with a bigger chunk of actual cash.

It's a clinical way of looking at things, but it's important if you're planning to stay together.

Sorry but I do just have to point out here that he is their father. As a parent, you do not 'babysit' your own children, you are simply being a parent.

“I actually can’t bear to be around him.”

This is why you need to call it off!

A divorce is cheap - I paid less than £500 for mine. It would have been only £99 but when you have kids it's more expensive. Mind you, if Sols get involved then you can be talking ££££

End it now, don't go through with a day you just don't believe in, it will really show and you'll feel fucking awful.

As someone going through a divorce, it's MUCH better for you to end it at this point, than have to go through divorce, trust me.

Only you knkw your true feelings.
If you honestly believe things wont change for the better call it off. Of course it will hurt abd people maybe upset with you but uts your life.

Ive been with dh for 36 years and there have been tines early on when we coukdnt stand the sight of each other. It was a combination of work, being short of money, tiredness, two young kids and so on.
We traded through and we didnt notice how much better things got as the kids got a little older, it was a gradual thing. It worked out for us. However he is supportive, usually does more than his fair share of raising the children and housework. it was up and down depending on who was working and when I was studying for my degree and working shifts he took over the household.
Only you know if your DH is likely to have your back. Follow your head.

If you agree on everything, I'm £22k down in legal fees and we haven't even got to court yet.

My God ..... call it off. Once married it will only get worse .