Page 21 | AIBU to call off our wedding ten days before the ceremony?

Cla7 · 06/09/2026 22:59

ec5881 · 06/09/2026 20:20

OP, this is going to be a controversial opinion on mumsnet, but hopefully it’s good to have a mix of opinions so I’m going for it.

I don’t think you should leave him. What you’re experiencing sounds v similar to me and my husband, and I’ve married a wonderful man. He is the you, the dooer in this scenario, and I’m your fiancé, a bit bloody useless. But - this is so key - This stage of life with the kids is the trenches!!!! You stop communicating. You often get one dooer who sometimes becomes an enabler for the weaponised incompetence one, and one overwhelmed/lazy/depressed one. This moment in the relationship I think is the hardest. Our second is the exact age of your twins and we are also here. He is the loveliest man but I feel so irate to him and he to me. There is practically zero romantic feelings either way. My hormones have plummeted at this stage and age and I don’t have the feelings I used to have. But what I’ve realised from my therapist is that this is totally and completely normal for this stage of life. Also very significant - add to that a wedding - weddings are always super stressful. I never regret marrying my husband but if I were to organise a wedding with him now my word I would not be in the mood.

what I’m trying to say is a marriage isn’t about lovely lovey dovey feelings. Real marriage and real life can be excuse my language fucking hard work. Right now you are deep in the trenches. It’s literally the hardest moments of parenthood and the most disconnected you will feel from each other. You will likely be feeling the worst about each other atm and have so many unmet needs between yourselves.

the house hold dynamic sounds awful but also very very common and trainable. My dad sounds like him and my mum is always moaning about him but has also allowed it all these years. He needs a kick up the backside but he can change!!!!

can you get a babysitter and talk to him freely about all this? I really don’t believe that love is like some glowing spark that stays lit through the dark times. I do believe love is feeling angry and cross at the other person and telling them, and they telling you everything thats hard in their world, and you both listening, processing, crying, understanding, and then connecting. I do believe actually that this is in a weird way the central most important part of a marriage. It’s communication. It’s bloody hard. The other person makes you so irritated, cross, empty, all sorts. But it’s working through these moments and growing deeper. This is so key for the kids too. If you can work on communication and get through the awful times to a more fruitful, grateful place, this can be an amazing foundation for the kids too.

youre both under an incredible amount of pressure atm with twins and parenthood, a wedding, grief, and the hardest most distant points in a lifetime of connection. Can you get a babysitter, and go and talk about it with him? Not necessarily the wedding, but let out all your deep frustrations. Tell him. Shock him. With all the things you honestly find hard. Tel him it makes
you doubt whether marriage is a good idea. I. Would not be surprised if you either delay the wedding and do it in future, or just go ahead with it and keep working together as a married couple building those deeper foundations overtime that is you both going through some real, hard, deep shiz together. Counselling can be a massive help here. Getting him to be less lazy, but also you may find out that he is suffering from a loss of confidence too, and the more he starts to do around the home or with the twins, the more he might start to light up and you remember why you fell in love with him, he sounds a bit like me in this regard! Anyway I’m thinking of you. Be aware as well thar people love to say on here “end the relationship “. It’s very easy to say from behind a keyboard, and I do think there is more of a disposable relationship to relationships in general where there is more room than people realise to work through the difficult shit. But I really hope and pray that you are able to take big, deep, breaths, and find moments of clarity and pause to be able to truly really asses how you feel and what is going on in your mind body and heart. If I were in your shoes I would be feeling exhasperated, overwhelmed and exhausted. And I wouldn’t be able to work easily on communication for a healthy relationship, with twin parenting and a wedding to organise on top - but I really don’t think this means that the relationship is necessarily wrong. My therapist said to me acceptance that you do kind of hate each other in this phase of life, and knowing the other will drive you wild, then jist taking the time to touch a hand here, or say a kind word there, will build a bridge and a moment however fleeting of connection. Maybe you both need to just have a big therapy session or a holiday or something. Or have a deep true discussion, decide to marry anyway and commit to couples therapy or him doing xyz to show willing to change and learn and help support you around the house and with kids as an equal. Ultimately marriage isn’t about a big lovely day - the core of it all - as the vicar said to my partner and I - if you end up married at the end of the day, then thats a success. The rest is lovely if you have it, but the actual marrying is what you are achieving with it all. And ultimately it’s a communttment to say, let’s do this, through thick and thin. If I were you I’d have that hard deep difficult discussion with him, spill out all you feel, get married anyway if you think you both want to try and work at it, and just bloody well both give it all youve got. Amazing you have the support of your family whatever you decide. Let us know how you get on. Thinking of you in this immensely overwhelming time! With much love x

I have to disagree with the previous poster, I think this is a great post and different perspective worth considering.

Fortheloveoffrogs · 06/09/2026 23:04

Cla7 · 06/09/2026 22:59

I have to disagree with the previous poster, I think this is a great post and different perspective worth considering.

Show quote history

I do wonder what her DH would say and how long he’ll tolerate doing it all though. I’d have said the same in the early days. I stuck it out until DC were teens. Should have left way before.

Blondeshavemorefun · 06/09/2026 23:06

@ec5881 - @ThisFunnyZebra doesn’t like being around him. They don’t talk. They rarely have sex. When they do she repulsed and wants him off

He does nothing with the kids or around the house. She does it all

and you suggest getting married ?

Thecatspantaloons · 06/09/2026 23:09

Cla7 · 06/09/2026 22:59

I have to disagree with the previous poster, I think this is a great post and different perspective worth considering.

Show quote history

It's great that you took the time to read through it, and I wish I had the patience, but most of it has probably been said before in less than a100 paragraphs..

Mmhmmn · 06/09/2026 23:34

Call it off. You can’t go through with marrying this guy. The guests will not care one way or the other.

Gymthenbrek · 07/09/2026 08:07

And the countdown begins….!

EmeraldShamrock000 · 07/09/2026 08:11

Good for you facing the reality of spending your life with him. If he hasn’t grasped parenting together by now, supporting you, he never will.
The hotel will probably refund the guests costs as many don’t have to pay until the day.

Kokonimater · 07/09/2026 13:02

If you don’t go ahead with the wedding will you split up?
Legally if you’re not married and split up will you be in a difficult position? Genuine question. I’m not just meaning financially.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/09/2026 08:05

ThisFunnyZebra · 03/09/2026 21:18

On the point of people who are travelling and have booked accommodation, do you think if I cancel the wedding I should reimburse the guest’s accommodation costs if they choose not to use the room for a weekend away? That’s been playing on my mind too!

Edited

I think you should still fly out there are spend time with them make it into a family reunion not a wedding

Iocanepowder · 08/09/2026 08:15

ec5881 · 06/09/2026 20:20

OP, this is going to be a controversial opinion on mumsnet, but hopefully it’s good to have a mix of opinions so I’m going for it.

I don’t think you should leave him. What you’re experiencing sounds v similar to me and my husband, and I’ve married a wonderful man. He is the you, the dooer in this scenario, and I’m your fiancé, a bit bloody useless. But - this is so key - This stage of life with the kids is the trenches!!!! You stop communicating. You often get one dooer who sometimes becomes an enabler for the weaponised incompetence one, and one overwhelmed/lazy/depressed one. This moment in the relationship I think is the hardest. Our second is the exact age of your twins and we are also here. He is the loveliest man but I feel so irate to him and he to me. There is practically zero romantic feelings either way. My hormones have plummeted at this stage and age and I don’t have the feelings I used to have. But what I’ve realised from my therapist is that this is totally and completely normal for this stage of life. Also very significant - add to that a wedding - weddings are always super stressful. I never regret marrying my husband but if I were to organise a wedding with him now my word I would not be in the mood.

what I’m trying to say is a marriage isn’t about lovely lovey dovey feelings. Real marriage and real life can be excuse my language fucking hard work. Right now you are deep in the trenches. It’s literally the hardest moments of parenthood and the most disconnected you will feel from each other. You will likely be feeling the worst about each other atm and have so many unmet needs between yourselves.

the house hold dynamic sounds awful but also very very common and trainable. My dad sounds like him and my mum is always moaning about him but has also allowed it all these years. He needs a kick up the backside but he can change!!!!

can you get a babysitter and talk to him freely about all this? I really don’t believe that love is like some glowing spark that stays lit through the dark times. I do believe love is feeling angry and cross at the other person and telling them, and they telling you everything thats hard in their world, and you both listening, processing, crying, understanding, and then connecting. I do believe actually that this is in a weird way the central most important part of a marriage. It’s communication. It’s bloody hard. The other person makes you so irritated, cross, empty, all sorts. But it’s working through these moments and growing deeper. This is so key for the kids too. If you can work on communication and get through the awful times to a more fruitful, grateful place, this can be an amazing foundation for the kids too.

youre both under an incredible amount of pressure atm with twins and parenthood, a wedding, grief, and the hardest most distant points in a lifetime of connection. Can you get a babysitter, and go and talk about it with him? Not necessarily the wedding, but let out all your deep frustrations. Tell him. Shock him. With all the things you honestly find hard. Tel him it makes
you doubt whether marriage is a good idea. I. Would not be surprised if you either delay the wedding and do it in future, or just go ahead with it and keep working together as a married couple building those deeper foundations overtime that is you both going through some real, hard, deep shiz together. Counselling can be a massive help here. Getting him to be less lazy, but also you may find out that he is suffering from a loss of confidence too, and the more he starts to do around the home or with the twins, the more he might start to light up and you remember why you fell in love with him, he sounds a bit like me in this regard! Anyway I’m thinking of you. Be aware as well thar people love to say on here “end the relationship “. It’s very easy to say from behind a keyboard, and I do think there is more of a disposable relationship to relationships in general where there is more room than people realise to work through the difficult shit. But I really hope and pray that you are able to take big, deep, breaths, and find moments of clarity and pause to be able to truly really asses how you feel and what is going on in your mind body and heart. If I were in your shoes I would be feeling exhasperated, overwhelmed and exhausted. And I wouldn’t be able to work easily on communication for a healthy relationship, with twin parenting and a wedding to organise on top - but I really don’t think this means that the relationship is necessarily wrong. My therapist said to me acceptance that you do kind of hate each other in this phase of life, and knowing the other will drive you wild, then jist taking the time to touch a hand here, or say a kind word there, will build a bridge and a moment however fleeting of connection. Maybe you both need to just have a big therapy session or a holiday or something. Or have a deep true discussion, decide to marry anyway and commit to couples therapy or him doing xyz to show willing to change and learn and help support you around the house and with kids as an equal. Ultimately marriage isn’t about a big lovely day - the core of it all - as the vicar said to my partner and I - if you end up married at the end of the day, then thats a success. The rest is lovely if you have it, but the actual marrying is what you are achieving with it all. And ultimately it’s a communttment to say, let’s do this, through thick and thin. If I were you I’d have that hard deep difficult discussion with him, spill out all you feel, get married anyway if you think you both want to try and work at it, and just bloody well both give it all youve got. Amazing you have the support of your family whatever you decide. Let us know how you get on. Thinking of you in this immensely overwhelming time! With much love x

I think you’ve missed the point of op’s question tbh. It’s about whether she should agree to marry him in this scenario when they are in such a bad place and he’s not helping her with the kids. Shy are you encouraging op to enter into a legal contract at this point??

whattheftodo · 08/09/2026 11:26

I’ve never regretted anything more than going through with my wedding despite serious doubts because it was all paid for and I couldn’t face the embarrassment. That fucking lazy selfish arshole then fought me for the house he never contributed to. Divorce is expensive.

more of us should be walk away short notice. These men think trapping us with babies or marriage means they can be shit partners. We never knew them just the act they put on to trick you into commitment. There is no shame is walking away before you are tied worse- that shame is on him for being a selfish wanker

Thecatspantaloons · 08/09/2026 14:03

whattheftodo · 08/09/2026 11:26

I’ve never regretted anything more than going through with my wedding despite serious doubts because it was all paid for and I couldn’t face the embarrassment. That fucking lazy selfish arshole then fought me for the house he never contributed to. Divorce is expensive.

more of us should be walk away short notice. These men think trapping us with babies or marriage means they can be shit partners. We never knew them just the act they put on to trick you into commitment. There is no shame is walking away before you are tied worse- that shame is on him for being a selfish wanker

Ignoring your natural instincts especially as a woman is never going to end well. Taking a leap of faith is sometimes very overrated and only works if you are wealthy and can afford to lose it.

Fortheloveoffrogs · 08/09/2026 17:06

OP I suspect that you are going ahead. I really hope things change for the better if you are but know that you have an army of women on MN who get it. Who understand the mental load and the emotional labour that we are often expected to take on. We know what toll it takes on us and if things don’t improve and you eventually leave him, we will still be here ready to be your online army of support.

Garfieldloveslasagnepie · 08/09/2026 17:13

Hope you’re ok OP.

Ureka · 08/09/2026 19:33

whattheftodo · 08/09/2026 11:26

I’ve never regretted anything more than going through with my wedding despite serious doubts because it was all paid for and I couldn’t face the embarrassment. That fucking lazy selfish arshole then fought me for the house he never contributed to. Divorce is expensive.

more of us should be walk away short notice. These men think trapping us with babies or marriage means they can be shit partners. We never knew them just the act they put on to trick you into commitment. There is no shame is walking away before you are tied worse- that shame is on him for being a selfish wanker

Agreed. When I was a teen my mother surprised me when she said if you make a mistake and get pregnant to a useless man the best thing is NOT to make another mistake by marrying him.

Because it came from my very traditional religious mother I didn’t expect her to take that stance, it made me sit up and it always stuck in my head.

Cleansweeper · 10/09/2026 07:08

Wonder what you decided @ThisFunnyZebra ?

LongTallTally · 10/09/2026 09:07

Thecatspantaloons · 06/09/2026 22:49

I mean no disrespect, but do you really expect the OP to read all this 👆 after 20 pages of repeated advice 🤭. Good sweet lord, I hope you are ok, whatever the context is.

Show quote history

This response is baffling. That long, thoughtful post might be the best advice OP gets on here. I can't see any reason why she wouldn't read something someone has put so much thought and effort into, about one of the most important decisions of her life.

I have posted before that one of the most pernicious things about mumsnet is the ease with which we can read someone elses post, a snapshot at a certain time, written in a particular mood, and immediately leap to "LTB" or "go no contact". It's the nuclear option and it leaves no room for the messy work of acknowledging things are not how you want them, recognising that both parties - and external circumstances - play a role in that, and doing the hard, vulnerable work of trying to sort things out.

Every person with long lasting, successful relationships , with partners, family or friends, has been through periods where what the other wants or can offer is not what they want or need. After a bereavement or coping with two toddlers are both stress factors that mean no-one in that relationship has anything left to give. The only thing you can do is muddle through, stick up for yourself on the essentials, look for support elsewhere, and wait for life to get a bit easier. If you can do that, you may be rewarded with deeper connection and the strength of a lifetime relationship. Or you could just start again - but how easy is that with two toddlers and no money?

OP - if you are going through with it despite 95% of random strangers on the internet saying you should LTB, I hope it's because part of you knows that there is something worth saving here. It's clearly very painful to be approaching what we think should be the happiest day of our life, and not feeling excited or at all romantic about it. But the romance of the wedding is very different to the hard work and everyday reality of marriage. You are just starting yours in a different place to the delusional optimism many of us start out with.

If you go ahead - and only you can decide that - I hope you get some joy from the day and from seeing your family and friends there to support you. I hope you can find the strength to stick up for yourself when you need to but also to cut your husband some emotional slack. I hope you can look for tiny sparks of what brought you together and build on those, rather than constantly looking for evidence that it's not working. And I hope that things get easier for you and at some point you can look back and know that you made the right decision and saved something worth holding on to.

Female123456 · 10/09/2026 09:20

ThisFunnyZebra · 03/09/2026 00:46

I have found myself in an unbearable situation and don’t know what to do. I’m getting married in 10 days and am literally having panic attacks at the thought of it.

It’s all paid for, everyone’s invited, everything is booked and organised, we’ve been on the hen and stag parties, and the honeymoon is booked straight after the wedding.

We have two children (twins), aged 22 months.

The wedding was supposed to have happened two years ago, but I fell pregnant so we decided to postpone it as it was going to be around my due date. I was really looking forward to it at the time and things were good between us.

Fast-forward to now, I actually can’t bear to be around him. He is useless with the twins, I do absolutely everything around the house, carry the mental load, do the shopping, housework and work full-time. He’s fucking useless.

I’m not sure why I didn’t see this before, probably because it was less of an issue before being parents. We both had our own lives, seeing friends etc.

We have nothing in common. We have no conversation, nothing to talk about, he’s not even interested in talking about the kids. I’ve actually noticed he’s got no personality. We hardly have sex, and when we do it’s just to get him off my back. I know that sounds bad, but I actually fucking resent him so much I can’t bear the thought of him coming near me.

I know I’m not perfect and since having the kids I’ve also changed. They are my priority and I just don’t have time for him after completing my day.

I shouldn’t have let the wedding get this far, but it was booked years ago and I thought things would get better. We are kind of in the trenches at the moment with the twins. But I honestly feel sick at the thought of marrying him.

How can I call it off at such a late date? Should I just go through with it and, if things don’t improve, get divorced? I’m fucked!

' How can I call it off at such a late date? '

How can you go through with it after everything you have said!
Yes you have the twins together

but you don't have a relationship with this man imagine if you didnt marry and he didnt change
you might meet some other man in the future and want to get married then.

You have said nothing good about him so why are you marrying him.

Please dont do this to yourself.

You will just end up stuck in an unhappy marriage

Female123456 · 10/09/2026 09:24

whattheftodo · 08/09/2026 11:26

I’ve never regretted anything more than going through with my wedding despite serious doubts because it was all paid for and I couldn’t face the embarrassment. That fucking lazy selfish arshole then fought me for the house he never contributed to. Divorce is expensive.

more of us should be walk away short notice. These men think trapping us with babies or marriage means they can be shit partners. We never knew them just the act they put on to trick you into commitment. There is no shame is walking away before you are tied worse- that shame is on him for being a selfish wanker

'Divorce is expensive'

this above

also sounds like you are describing a man you would want to divorce not marry

DannyDeever · 10/09/2026 10:18

part of you knows that there is something worth saving here

That's a reason to stick with a terrible marriage, not a reason to create one.

She doesn't need to LTB. She just needs to avoid increasing the level of commitment.

Also what about the Groom, here. Marrying him under false pretences is dishonest in the extreme.

TheOnlyWayIsIlford · 10/09/2026 11:34

DannyDeever · 10/09/2026 10:18

part of you knows that there is something worth saving here

That's a reason to stick with a terrible marriage, not a reason to create one.

She doesn't need to LTB. She just needs to avoid increasing the level of commitment.

Also what about the Groom, here. Marrying him under false pretences is dishonest in the extreme.

She doesn't need to LTB. She just needs to avoid increasing the level of commitment.

I agree. But the moment to decide that was before planning a wedding. It's hard to see how a relationship would survive cancelling the wedding now - if I was him under those circumstances I would be the one to LTB.

I'm not saying go ahead with the wedding, but don't expect the relationship to survive.

TheOnlyWayIsIlford · 10/09/2026 11:36

Anyway, the OP hasn't been seen for a week - presumably the wedding was planned for this Saturday so the decision is made one way or the other.

Good luck OP, whatever you do

DannyDeever · 10/09/2026 12:06

TheOnlyWayIsIlford · 10/09/2026 11:34

She doesn't need to LTB. She just needs to avoid increasing the level of commitment.

I agree. But the moment to decide that was before planning a wedding. It's hard to see how a relationship would survive cancelling the wedding now - if I was him under those circumstances I would be the one to LTB.

I'm not saying go ahead with the wedding, but don't expect the relationship to survive.

Edited

Show quote history

I doubt he's going to leave both his children over a failure to get married, and even if he did that isn't a good reason to get married. from the OPs point of view, so what? She doesn't like him and he's not a suitable partner for her. So if he leaves that's even better.

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/09/2026 12:13

I read it as poster on the 3rd and 10 days means the wedding is this weekend

she may still be dithering

if not sure then Don’t marry and postpone and talk

divorce is costly. Speaks from bitter experience. Still paying it kff

Thecatspantaloons · 10/09/2026 13:48

You have got to be pulling my leg 🤭. If not then you are an avid reader. But in my observations, people that post on the 21st page don't usually read all the other previous comments - maybe the first 2 pages, and yet still expect people to read there's. And I guarantee it's not original advice.

Now that's baffling.

That said, if OP is still planning on going ahead with the wedding, I'm not sure these long-winded posts from strangers on the internet is a productive use of her time.