AIBU to call off our wedding ten days before the ceremony?

[ThisFunnyZebra]

I have found myself in an unbearable situation and don’t know what to do. I’m getting married in 10 days and am literally having panic attacks at the thought of it.

It’s all paid for, everyone’s invited, everything is booked and organised, we’ve been on the hen and stag parties, and the honeymoon is booked straight after the wedding.

We have two children (twins), aged 22 months.

The wedding was supposed to have happened two years ago, but I fell pregnant so we decided to postpone it as it was going to be around my due date. I was really looking forward to it at the time and things were good between us.

Fast-forward to now, I actually can’t bear to be around him. He is useless with the twins, I do absolutely everything around the house, carry the mental load, do the shopping, housework and work full-time. He’s fucking useless.

I’m not sure why I didn’t see this before, probably because it was less of an issue before being parents. We both had our own lives, seeing friends etc.

We have nothing in common. We have no conversation, nothing to talk about, he’s not even interested in talking about the kids. I’ve actually noticed he’s got no personality. We hardly have sex, and when we do it’s just to get him off my back. I know that sounds bad, but I actually fucking resent him so much I can’t bear the thought of him coming near me.

I know I’m not perfect and since having the kids I’ve also changed. They are my priority and I just don’t have time for him after completing my day.

I shouldn’t have let the wedding get this far, but it was booked years ago and I thought things would get better. We are kind of in the trenches at the moment with the twins. But I honestly feel sick at the thought of marrying him.

How can I call it off at such a late date? Should I just go through with it and, if things don’t improve, get divorced? I’m fucked!

You poor thing. It is so much pressure when there is the expectation of the 'Wedding Day' but it's just a day and no 'day' is worth throwing your life away for.

Bite the bullet. The feeling of relief will be instant and once everyone has finished being shocked and gossiping, they will have nothing but admiration for how strong you have been.

My cousin married despite knowing she didn't want to. She wanted to call it off but was worried her parents would be ashamed .
He was a gambler as well as deeply lazy and uncaring with her doing all the domestic labour

She saw sense after 18 months and binned him off - her parents were supportive and wished she hadn't married him the first place

But the process was longer and more expensive.

Yes, if you cancel you lose money on the wedding but it is is still much cheaper than going ahead with the wedding and then getting divorced

I think this is one of those 'short term pain, long term gain' scenarios.

It's going to be absolutely awful to cancel the wedding. All the emotional drama, the disappointment, guilt, not to mention the expense. But, once it's done it's done and you dust yourself off and rebuild your life.

Versus years, maybe decades of regret if you don't.

Calling it off now may make you feel a bit naff for a little while but if you don't, imagine this being your life for the next 40 years with someone who is already useless.

Plus I would rather call off then be married for a year and then split - either way the money is lost.

Don't get married because 'its paid for', get married because you love each other

Calling off a wedding is cheaper & quicker than a divorce, you would have to wait a year before you could even start a divorce & then it will take a minimum of 6 months. Rip the band aid off & get it cancelled.

Think ahead. In ten years time you could either - be married and miserable still hating this man.
or
divorced after some horrible years together
or
in a lovely relationship with someone who values you

edited To say OR single! And happy! Being the best mum to your twins

It may not seem like it but you won’t be the only person to ever call off a wedding. You won’t regret it. But you need to do it today. When he wakes up, do t leave it till the night before.
Tell him, presume safely and go and stay with your parents or somebody (who th kids of course).
What would you say to somebody else or your kids if they were in this situation? Pretty sure the head and heart would say yo call it off.
Free both of you of a lifetime of misery x

This happened to a good friend. It happens, and you won’t be the first or last…

Have you anyone you can confide in in real life? Sensible sounding board type friend or family member?

My only hesitation is whether he could be depressed and his current state materially affects things for you?

This
do not marry this man!

Do it. My friend did the same, with 3 days notice. It just hit her, that this was it, and she couldn't do it.
Like you, it was a big event, all booked and paid for, mostly by her father.
She never for one moment regretted it. She didn't lose any friends. A startling amount of people came out of the wood work afterwards saying, 'Actually, we wondered...'
Her family were disappointed for a few weeks. That was the worst of it.

Please dont go through with it and call it off. You know yourself it will be a disaster. Yes there will be some initial upset but that will calm done. Dont marry this man.

As everyone else has said don't do it. Divorce is painful and expensive. Also his response to your doubts is telling - not I love you, I can make you happy, we are strong and can work together to be stronger, but about the inconvenience of not doing it. Is there any way to postpone and preserve some of your money in case you change your mind? If you are doing it though do it today, the later you leave it the harder it will be. It doesn't have to wb a relationship ender unless you want it to be. You could tell everyone you are both struggling with the kids and wanted to postpone to a time when you could enjoy the day and each other, and not have it all be a huge source of stress.

It would be incredibly unreasonable NOT to cancel the wedding. Of course you must. Do it right now, today, this minute. And don't present it as a question, let him know you're cancelling the wedding and then start doing so.

Go for middle ground postpone it
cancelling wedding , ending relationship and twins is a lot to tackle in one go

I called my wedding off 16 days before. It was awful but I don’t regret it for a minute . If you know you know xx

Also, if you’re bothered about the scene or gossip or “shame” or whatever calling it off now, it’s still going to be the case if you divorce him in 10 years.

The money spent doesn’t unspend itself just because you hit a wedding anniversary down the line.

Good luck OP. If it helps, think through the wedding vows and consider your heartfelt response to those. If you can't sincerely say "I do", then don't.

Call it off op but I would also advise to speak to a solicitor asap for general advice.

You would be unreasonable to NOT call it off. Twins are hard enough without having to raise a third man child. It sounds like you’re already a single parent.

Marrying him because you feel sorry for him after a bereavement is not a good idea, either for him or you.

Canceling a wedding 10 days before it happens is better than prepping for divorce months after. And either is better than years of misery. This hasn't happened because you're being picky or something. It's happened because he's spent the last 2 years taking you for granted and treating you and his children badly. That is not a man you should marry.

There are guides on line to help you get through the logistical maze. I would rope in your parents and supportive members of the bridal party/best friends to both help you tell guests and to give you some company over the next few friends.

It does mean you are almost certainly going to be breaking up with your 'D'P, and speaking to a solicitor ASAP is good advice, but you can work on most of that later. For now you just need to handle the wedding.

Far cheaper to lose all the money on wedding deposits than to pay for a divorce, not just in
monetary terms but in time and anxiety costs. His stress and depression is a red herring, and not a reason to go through with a marriage you don’t want. If anyone berates you for calling it off and calling time on the relationship, tell them you too are stressed and depressed, and your mental health and well being matters just as much as his.

And don't postpone it, you're just dragging out the nightmare for yourself, it's not like you're going to want to marry him in a month, it gives him false hope which is cruel and keeps everyone else just dangling there wondering if they have to reschedule.

Quick and clean. Call it off.

Please don’t marry him. His bereavement is not your fault. His depression is not your fault. Going ahead with a wedding you don’t want to do is something you can actually control! Don’t do it. The money you have spent on the wedding is gone either way if the day goes ahead or not so may as well save money on the future divorce. It is hard but you can do it! Then you can spend the time focusing on you and the twins!

You are clearly worried about the guests but your friends and loved ones will support you. If you are viewing it from another persons view point such as the guests then I’d be well pissed off buying a card and giving money to someone’s wedding who never wanted it to happen anyway.

Divorces are brutal! They are emotionally and financially draining. Short term pain and long term gain. Maybe you will have a family member who you can delegate to help you cancel things? So it’s not all on you!

guaranteed that people will pipe up they are well pleased you aren’t marrying him! They probably see the way he treats you and “parents” and are hoping you come to your senses! Fingers crossed for you! Do it asap so you can’t back out xxx

That money is already lost, whether you proceed with the wedding or not. The difference if you proceed is that you will also lose money to divorce lawyers, and more importantly lost further years of your life to an unhappy relationship with a partner you don't respect or like.

In terms of losing face with guests, you can choose whether they talk about you as the one who walked away 10 days before the wedding, or the one who got divorced soon after the wedding. Honestly, don't lose sleep over what people will say or think about you. If they love you, they will want you do do what's best for you. If they are gossiping about you, they don't count as your people.

His reaction doesn't scream that he loves you and will be devastated by the loss of your relationship.

It's a tough choice and I understand how hard it is but surely it will be less hard than getting divorced.

Best wishes OP!

No, don’t marry him. See this as a fortunate position to be in. Had you married pre-kids you’d now be headed for an expensive messy upsetting divorce.

Call it off. The money paid will be wasted if you don’t marry him, but equally it will be wasted if you do.

Your guests will just think you’re brave - and will realise you’re doing what’s right for you.

Him being bereaved isn’t a reason to go ahead. Plus, he may feel / know the relationship isn’t working, so you’ll be doing him a favour too - one less thing for him to be depressed about.