AIBU to call off our wedding ten days before the ceremony?

[ThisFunnyZebra]

I have found myself in an unbearable situation and don’t know what to do. I’m getting married in 10 days and am literally having panic attacks at the thought of it.

It’s all paid for, everyone’s invited, everything is booked and organised, we’ve been on the hen and stag parties, and the honeymoon is booked straight after the wedding.

We have two children (twins), aged 22 months.

The wedding was supposed to have happened two years ago, but I fell pregnant so we decided to postpone it as it was going to be around my due date. I was really looking forward to it at the time and things were good between us.

Fast-forward to now, I actually can’t bear to be around him. He is useless with the twins, I do absolutely everything around the house, carry the mental load, do the shopping, housework and work full-time. He’s fucking useless.

I’m not sure why I didn’t see this before, probably because it was less of an issue before being parents. We both had our own lives, seeing friends etc.

We have nothing in common. We have no conversation, nothing to talk about, he’s not even interested in talking about the kids. I’ve actually noticed he’s got no personality. We hardly have sex, and when we do it’s just to get him off my back. I know that sounds bad, but I actually fucking resent him so much I can’t bear the thought of him coming near me.

I know I’m not perfect and since having the kids I’ve also changed. They are my priority and I just don’t have time for him after completing my day.

I shouldn’t have let the wedding get this far, but it was booked years ago and I thought things would get better. We are kind of in the trenches at the moment with the twins. But I honestly feel sick at the thought of marrying him.

How can I call it off at such a late date? Should I just go through with it and, if things don’t improve, get divorced? I’m fucked!

Because (and only because) you already have 2 children and a mortgage together, I think you should go and see a solicitor immediate and ask them whether your future financial arrangements are potentially strengthened by being this man’s former wife, or just the mother of his children. The legislation around this is changing but I don’t believe it has yet, and if your financial security is helped by marrying him, then I would do it.
I am aware that sounds mercenary but you have two children to provide for and doing what’s best for them is more important than doing what’s best for him.
Also (and I am aware this is a much less morally defensible point) but why the hell should you be made to be the bad guy here? You call off the wedding and he assumes the role of “injured party” for the rest of his life and you become the cow who ditched him and broke his heart just as he was ready to devote himself to you for life. That is not who he is. He shouldn’t get to masquerade as the good guy while you get to be the bitch.

Split up. For both your sakes. If he's hopeless, he might be a better support if he has a clear structure of when it's his turn to look after the kids. Some people arent suited to kids but dont find our until theyve had them. I really feel it should become more of an accepted thing in society that some people shouldnt have kids,particularly certain types of men who just arent good at it. Too many people drift into parenthood and make a hash of it. So many posts on here are about useless fathers but clearly these men were never going to be good at it. I truly believe it should be less of a stigma and more of a norm not to have kids. What is important is to be a good citizen. Contribute to society. Dont have kids if you know deep down you dint really want to or would be hopeless. Leave the child rearing to those who are suited to it.

If loosing the money is an issue....then have the party with your loved ones and go on the holiday. Just don't get legally married and tell people not to spend money on gifts.

Just have a big party to celebrate end of summer and the people you love?

Depends of your relationship...but it could work it you both realise the relationship is not good and needs to be different moving on

Some advice, for what it’s worth:

1. Can you get some legal advice, find out if you would be advantaged or disadvantaged should you split as a married couple or if just partners. It might even help clarify your decision to call off the wedding
2. You have 22 month old twins, he’s suffered a bereavement, this is a stage of life when even couples with the most solid foundation can feel like housemate coworkers, living alongside each other while chronically exhausted. It’s not great that he’s not a hands on Dad, but it’s also best not to make a big decision (like ending your relationship) in the midst of early parenthood.

I know three different people (a friend, a colleague, a relative) who got married knowing it was a very bad decision and something they essentially didn't want to do. Even as they said their vows they knew they were making a massive mistake.

Unsurprisingly, in all cases the marriage broke down fairly soon afterwards and all three ended up in stressful, expensive, difficult divorce situations where people looked on them with much less sympathy than if they'd just cancelled the wedding in the first place. Not that I'm saying it matters what other people have to say, but the point is that all three said they didn't cancel the wedding for fear of letting everyone down and being gossiped about and honestly, no one would have cared at all but would have supported them throughout.

Call it off.

Divorce is expensive and messy.

A friend of mine didn't call off her wedding, and they were divorced 2 years later. How is that better?

Just being brave enough to tell one person in real life is enough, get the ball rolling. It will go from there.
I didn't call off mine when I should have, just been through a painful and expensive divorce which was upsetting for the kids. Yours are so young they might not even remember at this stage. This is forever so don't do it. I really feel for you though, sending supportive hugs!

Call the wedding off and make it clear to him you are separating.

Don't tie yourself up to a useless man and a crap father you no longer respect or love.

Yes change is scary but it is better to do this now than ending up divorcing in a few months anyway...

Pretend the wedding isn't paid for, and just around the corner.

Do you want to marry this man and spend the rest of your life with him? That's your answer.

I know someone who called off a wedding the week before. Family had flown in from overseas. There was a big wedding booked, a honey moon etc
Without exception we all thought the same thing - better now than later!

Don’t marry this man. You deserve better .

Yes. He is good at the ad hoc one offs. Thats not the same as carrying the entire mental load.

I was married with DC. Worked and held the mental load. Did all the emotional labour. He worked. Did ‘help’ but I held everything and provided financial stability. We moved further away from my work with the promise from him he’d take on more domestically. He didn’t until I spelled it out. Then for around three months thus when I went through a bereavement he fully stepped up. He took on the mental load (he had to fail a few times first and feel the guilt of letting down DC) but I lived like a man. I worked and offered ‘help’. I also started to do the novel jobs. The putting together shelves, painting and maintenance jobs etc. I did what he did. I didn’t ask what the priority was. I didn’t negotiate who was going to do the daily grind. I just assumed he would and I got in with helpful things that I fancied doing. He then injured himself and it all went backwards. But this is what I learned;

1. he was fully capable of doing it. He just never wanted to. Because no body does. We would all hire cleaners, house keepers, cooks, etc if we could.
2. by week 1 he was complaining of being exhausted (despite dismissing me when I had said the same)
3. I loved it. It felt so much less stressful not having to keep everything in mind. I went to work. Did jobs around the house I felt motivated to do. I offered my ‘help’ with the daily grind.

So OP. Don’t accept the “women are just better at it than men’ arguments. Nor the ‘he does the DIY so it’s fair’ argument. Having lived for a short period of time in the traditional male role in a hetero marriage, I can tell you that it was sooooo much easier. Similar working hours. Similar physical effort. But dear god, removing the mental load felt like a holiday!!

There are a few things to address here. The obvious one is really quite easy - don’t get married. (It’s hard to admit but I dearly wish I hadn’t; took me many years to pluck up courage to divorce - turns out that my family knew I wasn’t happy.)
You’ll get a lot of practical help doing this from the wedding party; the sooner you can all get on with it then the better for all the guests.
Then, what about your relationship? Do you want to stay with “D”P? Actually, will he want to stay with you?
You ‘ll need a consistent message to all invitees about the near future, not least to stop them bouncing back to you with questions & suggestions.

You’ll get some money back from some suppliers, especially if you start the process today (they’ll have dealt with this before.) You will have to discuss this with “D”P so perhaps you could think of a way of splitting the costs between you, unfortunately he may want to talk about that very soon.

Can you find a way to talk to him when your children aren’t there?
You could also have a friend on standby in case you need her.
(He is already depressed & perhaps a bit unpredictable.)

Please be true to yourself.
Best wishes, I really feel for you

Do you have a sister or BFF to talk to? Let them get the ball rolling. If you were my sister I would be the one making the calls on your behalf for the logistics of letting family and friends know.

Call the wedding off. Doesnt mean the relationship is over necessarily, but at least you wont have gone through an expensive farce. Then you can deal with whether you want to be with him, can he change etc

Have skimmed rather than read the whole thread, but it's interesting that everyone seems to be agreeing that you should LTB.

In my experience, that's how it goes on here - it's very easy to tell a stranger to blow her life up when things are going badly. I just want to offer a counter perspective.

You have very young twins. Life is a bloody struggle at that point and no wonder you have no energy for sex.

Lots of women are happy to do everything around the house, then kids come along and they realise it's not working.

My husband lost his mum last year and it came close to breaking us. He just couldn't cope with seeing her deteriorate like that, and it had a terrible affect on our relationship.

But we have been married for 30 years. We hung on in there, and a year later, we are in a great place and it's hard to believe I was thinking (not seriously) of leaving a year ago.

Most people at the wedding stage are full of romantic idealism. Then real life kicks in and they have to learn to renegotiate the relationship. You're just at the renegotiating stage already.

The wanting to leave is probably that you can't summon up the slightest spark of romance at this point. But who could, with 2 year old twins and a recent bereavement?

If you decide to stay and hang on in there, you might find you are able to make it work and your feelings might change. You could go through the wedding with a willingness to try to work through, rather than feeling it is a sham.

You've already spent all the money. If there is a tiny bit of you that knows it might work, you don't have to blow up your life and end up a single parent of twins, unless you are sure that is what you want.

Are the twins coming on honeymoon with you?

I know I’m not perfect and since having the kids I’ve also changed. They are my priority and I just don’t have time for him after completing my day.

This, btw, made me feel very sad. Of course they are your priority. As they should be to him. That’s parenting.

And of course you don’t have resources left for him. He’s a drain on you and doesn’t pull his weight. If you had an equal partner and you both had the same amount of headspace and self care time, you’d have more to give. He can’t use your free labour (to have someone external take care of your kids, cook, clean etc would cost thousands - it is labour) and then wonder why you’ve got nothing left in the tank for him. No wonder you’ve lost feelings for him.

Honestly your close family, mum, dad etc may be shocked, but they will be so relieved that you’ve been honest with them. If you don’t want the wedding to happen, tell them, and they will make sure it doesn’t. A few weeks worth of embarrassment is not worth a lifetime of regret.

Speak to someone who isn't on one side or who can be logical then form a plan. If splitting up is the thing you need to do then do it.

I’m surprised by some of these replies.

Usually the advice on MN is to marry your child’s father for protection.

Pretend the wedding is not for another year yet - would you still be planning on leaving him?

It is odd that you haven’t left him but now all of a sudden you want to leave - are you sure you’re not just panicking?

Are you both working FT?
Where will you live?
Are you ok with him being the residential parent and you finding somewhere else?

The money has gone whatever you choose. But it will cost you to get divorced won't it?
Read about the sunk cost fallacy.

Any money you have put into the wedding will be lost, that is true, but you have spent it anyway so it's gone whether you have the wedding or not. Looking 'silly' by calling it off doesn't matter at all. You would look sillier by splitting up shortly afterwards.

If you don't love him, call it off. Those who love you will understand. Those who were just attending for the big party aren't worth thinking about. And you may, possibly, be able to recoup a tiny amount of the costs.

Be prepared for the fall-out with your fiance though, he will likely feel humiliated and angry and may want an immediate split. Don't feel that you have to leave though. You have the children to think about, if he wants an immediate split he can move out himself.

Or - it may make him re-think things. In which case you could perhaps attend couples therapy together to see whether you can regain your relationship. If things change you could consider marriage again - but if you do then go for a simple, low-key wedding. Much less stressful.

Love the phrase "You can't set yoiurself on fire to keep others warm." Very apt. Yes, OP, there will be awkward conversations and a loss of money - but this is your life! You only get one. You know how you feel. Go ahead and cancel. Don't shackle yourself to a deadbeat dad for the rest of your life for no reason.

seek legal advice to see if you’d be better off married or not before you decide.

way i see it your options are:

marry

cancel and lose the money

let someone else “get married”, eg your pal and her hubby or your parents could do a renewal abd remarry (ie already married no official paperwork) or someone who could get legal permission so quickly if that’s even possible.

have a big party instead

hire an actor (nobody knows) to play the role of celebrant and “marry” you. that saves face and you could remarry in private at another time if you want. the actor leaves directly after “to officiate at another wedding” so talks to nobody.

change the wedding to a handfasting. it’s a scottish ceremony that you are committing to each other. used to be legal in ancient times. it involves tiring a knot and things. google it.
it’s used as part of scottish weddings if couples want but on its own it’s not a legal wedding. but it would perhaps satisfy the need for a ceremony to save face and the reason would be “John is struggling with the loss of his close aunt Joan and we thought he would be ok but we now realise it wasn’t right to have our actual wedding when he’s still grieving her loss, as it tinges the memory with sadness, but it was too late to cancel by the time we realised he was still so depressed, so it’s a ceremony of commitment to each other today instead, i hope you understand” If he’d be up for that.

or maybe im crazy, who knows…

This with bells on!
The money has gone anyway, all you lose is the 'goods'. Take the kids on holiday by yourself 🤷‍♀️

I am not sure that advice is good now. If you are the SAHP and your finances are dependent on the other parent then marriage makes sense so that upon divorce you get half (as you have provided the childcare allowing the other parent to work).

Marriage is general not good for women in heterosexual marriages - reduces longevity. Heterosexual marriage increases the man’s longevity.

Interestingly, I trained with a group of people. Mostly women. The ones that are married and heterosexual are the least progressed in their careers. The ones that are single parents are most progressed. The ones that are single/didn’t have kids are in the middle. My single parent colleagues are rocking it. Amazing what you can do when it’s just down to you and you don’t have to negotiate around a man child.