AIBU to call off our wedding ten days before the ceremony?

[ThisFunnyZebra]

I have found myself in an unbearable situation and don’t know what to do. I’m getting married in 10 days and am literally having panic attacks at the thought of it.

It’s all paid for, everyone’s invited, everything is booked and organised, we’ve been on the hen and stag parties, and the honeymoon is booked straight after the wedding.

We have two children (twins), aged 22 months.

The wedding was supposed to have happened two years ago, but I fell pregnant so we decided to postpone it as it was going to be around my due date. I was really looking forward to it at the time and things were good between us.

Fast-forward to now, I actually can’t bear to be around him. He is useless with the twins, I do absolutely everything around the house, carry the mental load, do the shopping, housework and work full-time. He’s fucking useless.

I’m not sure why I didn’t see this before, probably because it was less of an issue before being parents. We both had our own lives, seeing friends etc.

We have nothing in common. We have no conversation, nothing to talk about, he’s not even interested in talking about the kids. I’ve actually noticed he’s got no personality. We hardly have sex, and when we do it’s just to get him off my back. I know that sounds bad, but I actually fucking resent him so much I can’t bear the thought of him coming near me.

I know I’m not perfect and since having the kids I’ve also changed. They are my priority and I just don’t have time for him after completing my day.

I shouldn’t have let the wedding get this far, but it was booked years ago and I thought things would get better. We are kind of in the trenches at the moment with the twins. But I honestly feel sick at the thought of marrying him.

How can I call it off at such a late date? Should I just go through with it and, if things don’t improve, get divorced? I’m fucked!

OP, imagine standing at the altar with him in front of all those people and breaking down because you know you can’t actually say, with any conviction, the words that are supposed to mean so much - but mean so little to you with him. You are setting yourself an impossible task.
And you will wish you had called it off ten days ago.

It is far better to call it off now than go through that ridiculous sham. Your body and soul are screaming out to you not to go down this path. That’s what your panic attacks are all about. Listen to your instincts here. They are reminding you that you aren’t the sort of person to make a mockery of the marriage ceremony with this man but to save the experience for somebody you are happy to commit to, much later down the line.

Your current partner doesn’t care that it isn’t a meaningful marriage. He has admitted it’s best to go through with the farce simply to save embarrassment. A cowardly attitude to have towards marriage which must add to your ick.

So tell your best friend or sister or mum…the person you are closest to, that you have at last decided you can’t and won’t go through with it - and that is your final answer.

Let somebody else make the big phone calls while you tell him that the wedding is off because the personal relationship between the two of you is all but over.
Remind him that deep down, he knows that’s the correct thing to do.
Give him the chance to present the decision as a mutual one because it’s already being cancelled as you speak.

You are brave to admit your true feelings here OP. You are being true to yourself with that admission. Well done!
I really hope you can work out a good respectful parenting plan where your twins can flourish. All the best. x

If you’re not 100% certain you want to be with this man until you and he are (possibly?) 100, don’t marry him.
As for the venue etc, nothing stopping you from still throwing a party and using what you’ve paid for.
Life’s too short to spend it miserable. You’ve had the blessing of testing out married life to him since you had the twins, and you don’t portray it as a happy relationship. Plenty of people don’t get to see that side of their partner until after they’re married.

Call it off sweetheart. This isn’t a relationship that is going to last unless you both do serious work. What’s the point of going through a wedding, knowing you don’t want to be with this person. It’s gonna be hard…it’s going to be embarrassing and uncomfortable to call it all off…but that’s nothing compared to the feeling of being married to the wrong person for the next few years feeling the resentment and fear of this being ‘as good as it gets !!’

Forget about costs…you can make more money… you can’t get back years wasted being married to someone you don’t love…let alone like !!

I was meant to attend a wedding that was called off very last minute. Honestly, I had nothing but respect for them. So many people go through with bad marriages and these are vows you are taking. They are both happier and it takes a hell of a person to do what's right rather than what's expected. Youll be surprised how many people have your back.

Either way the money is lost

but if you marry you will be losing even more money and getting a divorce and it’s more complicated

true friends will support you and sure family will do the same

also sure close friends /bridesmaids etc won’t be too shocked

yes it will be hard but harder and more costly to divorce

Please don’t marry him. Please confide in your support network in real life. I strongly suspect that they will be very relieved for you.

I mean…having no interest in helping with his own children or helping her with everyday life to ….her detriment…is pretty abusive would you say ???

Call it off! Don’t make the mistake I did. It was so much harder getting divorced than just splitting up. You deserve better, your children deserve better and maybe even he does. Imagine feeling this dread magnified by 100 when you have actually married him. This horse is dead, time to stop flogging it.

Can you go and talk to your parents about this. After the initial shock they will probably be more supportive and help you come to a decision. Bottling this up inside will make you ill

is his depression the reason for his behaviour?

Call it off now. Get a lawyer and work out where you stand after a separation.

don’t think you can’t get a mortgage. If you are working you will probably get UC and maintenance from him and child benefit. Add all that together and some mortgage providers take that as your income.

Seriously don’t marry someone because you feel sorry for them or because it’s embarrassing. In the long run you’ll be relieved that you don’t have to go through the long drawn out stress of the inevitable divorce. It sounds like a terrible relationship and I just don’t see him changing: these behaviours are just too ingrained.

How could anyone caring and respectful leave their partner with all the mental load and the practical work when she’s just had twins. It’s just unacceptable.

If you call it ff now and separate you are fucked for a few months while you sort it out.

If you marry him now you are fucked for a lifetime.

Call it off

Definitely call it off. What you’ve described is not sounding like a long and happy marriage in the making. If one of your twins came to you in 20 years time and described what you’ve written in your op you’d advise them not to go through with it. Be brave and stay strong. Can your bridesmaid or anyone else help you?
Personally, if it were me, I’d cancel a few of the big things such as the venue, before telling him. That way you can’t get bullied back in to it.
Good luck.

Honestly calling it off might give you a difficult and uncomfortable month or two. Marrying and divorcing later will give you a difficult and uncomfortable year or two. Don’t marry him if you are not totally totally sure it’s the right decision (from an old bird enjoying her new second marriage).

You've got a lot of support on here OP. You know what you have to do. It will be painful but you'll only have to do it once. Be strong, we're all behind you as well as the people who love you most.

You can call it off 10 seconds before - do not go through with it with any inch of doubt. Speaking from experience here!

Echoing others to say please do, for the sake of everyone including your children, call it off now. Inconvenience now will soon be forgotten but a phoney ceremony and years getting a divorce is misery for all. Sad but worse if you leave it.

This time next year, do you want to be married to him, or do you want to have moved on and be creating a new life for yourself?

Focus on that and stop worrying about the discomfort or embarrassment you’re going to feel in the short term. Focus on the end game.

Confide in someone you trust and then speak to him and get this all cancelled.

Absolutely this. Who cares if you look stupid? You’re in torment and you could end this today by cancelling. Ignore the expense, it’s painful, but you can’t recoup this and far, far better to stop now than get married and divorced in a year. You’d be doing the right thing. He sounds hopeless (and a sex pest!)

It's gone so far that I would continue now. The huge commitment is having kids together. Make your vows and privately vow to work on improving your relationship and home life . Couples counselling could help.

yes just cancel it. You’ll raise a few eyebrows sure but it’s nothing compared to actually being married to someone you don’t like/love.

alternatively, just ditch the legal ceremony part and have the party with your friends and family since that’s all paid for.

It's a bit more complicated than 'just call it off' already. You have children and a joint mortgage.

I think you need to look at it dispassionately. Do you work currently?
Who is the bigger earner?
Who has the better pension?
Are you in a position to separate? If you don't marry, can you afford to live apart?

Basically, what does life look like without a wedding and as a single parent to twins? Is it something you are able to do right now?

The general consensus is that marriage affords you more rights and especially so if you are a SAHP. But if these things don't apply, it's a very different decision.

Marrying him won't change the situation, it will just make it harder to separate. Someone with more knowledge than me might know more, but I thought you had to be married a year before divorce proceedings could start? If you marry him, you'll still be doing everything, as you are now. This is who he is, and he's not likely to change.

Far better to cancel a wedding, than have to divorce.