AIBU to call off our wedding ten days before the ceremony?

[ThisFunnyZebra]

I have found myself in an unbearable situation and don’t know what to do. I’m getting married in 10 days and am literally having panic attacks at the thought of it.

It’s all paid for, everyone’s invited, everything is booked and organised, we’ve been on the hen and stag parties, and the honeymoon is booked straight after the wedding.

We have two children (twins), aged 22 months.

The wedding was supposed to have happened two years ago, but I fell pregnant so we decided to postpone it as it was going to be around my due date. I was really looking forward to it at the time and things were good between us.

Fast-forward to now, I actually can’t bear to be around him. He is useless with the twins, I do absolutely everything around the house, carry the mental load, do the shopping, housework and work full-time. He’s fucking useless.

I’m not sure why I didn’t see this before, probably because it was less of an issue before being parents. We both had our own lives, seeing friends etc.

We have nothing in common. We have no conversation, nothing to talk about, he’s not even interested in talking about the kids. I’ve actually noticed he’s got no personality. We hardly have sex, and when we do it’s just to get him off my back. I know that sounds bad, but I actually fucking resent him so much I can’t bear the thought of him coming near me.

I know I’m not perfect and since having the kids I’ve also changed. They are my priority and I just don’t have time for him after completing my day.

I shouldn’t have let the wedding get this far, but it was booked years ago and I thought things would get better. We are kind of in the trenches at the moment with the twins. But I honestly feel sick at the thought of marrying him.

How can I call it off at such a late date? Should I just go through with it and, if things don’t improve, get divorced? I’m fucked!

A work friend of mine called her wedding off two weeks before and we were all incredibly relieved. We knew she wasn't getting married for the right reasons but we weren't good enough friends to come right out and say please don't. No one had anything except admiration for her and respect for how hard it was to make that decision. She was really worried about how her parents and family would react but they also were very relieved.

I couldn't say it to her because she didn't ask but I'll say to you please don't. He won't become any less useless but you've done a massive chunk of the hard bit with your twins. Mine are nearly eight and are such a joy to be around now. Under 2 was a lot but it gets easier and easier and you don't need him. Think of the peace of having a home just the three of you, without his stuff, his mess, his moods and his presence.

Good luck today in making this happen. It will be a tough day but you are doing the right thing in cancelling.

Oh OP, I could have written your post word for word, other than the fact that I didn't have twins! I called it off. Didn't separate immediately, but I sat him down and said, at the rate we're going we're going to end up divorced, so let's call it off and work on the relationship. I made an effort and he didn't so we split a year later and I've never looked back. It's been 7 years, he hasn't seen his son for 5 of them (his choice) and I'm married to a man who would move heaven and earth for me and a child who isn't biologically his.

I can see why you're worried, but ignoring the problems in the relationship won't help. Cancel the wedding and tell him exactly why. You are in the thick of it with baby twins, not an easy time in a relationship, but maybe it could be the wakeup call he needs to actually work on this relationship.

This is the sum total of the communication you and your partner have had about this? You raising doubts, him saying let’s crack on, you seemingly agreeing?

You can’t get a divorce in the first year after a marriage. If you feel like this now, please call it off. Otherwise you have a whole year to wait, potentially feeling more and more resentful, and then your lives are financially and legally intertwined and all sorts.

I cancelled my wedding a month before it was due to happen. All paid for, and everything organised. I have never regretted it in 20 years. I knew if I went ahead, I would end up divorced and that it wasn’t fair to my fiancé when I had any doubts.

Don’t worry about what people might think - this is your life and you deserve to be happy.

Feel free to PM me if you’d like to talk or want any advice that you don’t want to post here.

Sunk cost fallacy. You need to bite the bullet and tell him it’s over.

‘Let’s crack on, we’ll lose money and look stupid’

Definately cancel.

Call it off OP. It will be hard but so so worth it in the long run. Think of that awful sinking feeling you’ll have the day after when it’s all over and you’re just waiting for the day you can divorce him. Don’t worry for a second about guests- most will say ‘oh gosh, what a sad situation for them…hey now we have a free weekend shall we go and do x?’ Because that’s just life. Anyone very close to you will understand. I think when someone calls a wedding off on the actual day it’s pretty harsh (still better then going through with it if you don’t want to)- a week or so before is way better than this. It’s not going to get better.

If you feel so strongly that you do not want to marry him then just don’t do it to save face and appease family and wedding guests.

Have you had a conversation with him, have you told him how you feel? There is a chance that he is not so invested in marriage, hence his detachment from the twins etc.

Whatever you decide to do I genuinely wish you well OP, we are only here once so please do what feels right for you 💐

Impressed by you. I said my vows and felt the word ‘divorce’ run through my head. I wish I’d had the guts to listen to my dad who said before to me ‘you don’t have to do this.’ We stayed together for a few more years which were horrendous, and he refused to divorce me until five years after we separated when I no longer needed his consent.

Is he abusive, I mean physically, verbally, financially, coercively controlling?

Does he have any drug, gambling, or alcohol problems, porn addiction issues?

If no to all of that then don't throw him away. If he is fundamentally a good man and having kids has simply destroyed what was otherwise a healthy relationship. Twins, 22 months, both working FT, that is a recipe for burn out for anyone.

I'm going against the grain and say go ahead with the wedding, and take this as a wake up call to get back in control of your marriage. Resentment is the poison that destroys marriages, you have to actively fight it and refuse to let it take root. I am not excusing his behaviour, yes it is awful. I am saying you have to see your own role in enabling this dynamic which is generating all of this resentment for you. Rebuild and make this into the family you wanted in the first place.

You can’t get married just as it’s paid for and you feel bad for him as he’s depressed and stressed, that’s crazy

tell him you don’t wish to get married and why and cancel.

Let’s be honest it’s not going to get better. Good luck

Raise your bar for partners.

If his reaction to you expressing doubts was basically to say - let’s crack on it’s too late to cancel… doesn’t exactly indicate he thinks the Op is the love of his life.

He sounds on same page as you @ThisFunnyZebra in terms of not being happy in the relationship but he is worried about saving face.

You poor thing OP! Twins can be so tough.

You have to call it off. You can’t live a lie. And practically - the cost and stress of divorce!!

Is there a way that simply avoids the legal bit I wonder. At least you’d get the day out that you paid for and to wear a nice dress

Agreed. Sorry to be calculating but with young twins this seems highly relevant.

I think that you should marry him actually. You're in the most difficult part of parenthood and it's quite common for couples to clash during it. You clearly liked one another at one stage. He probably doesn't feel like conversing much after a bereavement. Did he lose a parent? When I lost my dad I was a complete wreck for at least 18 months.

You do of course need to speak with him regarding doing everything as that's clearly not fair. However, and I say this as a single mum of 3 who's never married, life will be more difficult without an extra parent. If you do intend to split beware that you will be alone for potentially an extended amount of time as introducing a stepdad is a risk in itself. Best of luck x

My friend called off her wedding. I admired her for her courage, and still do

Please get this thread deleted before the daily mail pick it up. Unless you have changed some details it is potentially very identifying.

So his reason for carrying on with the wedding wasn't about his love for you and his desire to spend the rest of his life with you, it was just about losin money and losing face?
Definitely call if off!

You don't necessarily have to end the relationship at the same time - although tbh it sounds like you should ultimately split up - but don't marry if you aren't certain about it because you will get deeper and deeper in and it will be much harder to end it then.

Bite the bullet, cancel the wedding and then decide on the rest of your life - either go to couples counselling to see if there is a relationship to salvage or make plans to split and co parent your twins.

Confide in a close friend or family member who you know will be supportive and will help you through it all.

Good luck

Please call it off. It won’t get any better and will likely get worse.
Much easier now than later.