AIBU to call off our wedding ten days before the ceremony?

[ThisFunnyZebra]

I have found myself in an unbearable situation and don’t know what to do. I’m getting married in 10 days and am literally having panic attacks at the thought of it.

It’s all paid for, everyone’s invited, everything is booked and organised, we’ve been on the hen and stag parties, and the honeymoon is booked straight after the wedding.

We have two children (twins), aged 22 months.

The wedding was supposed to have happened two years ago, but I fell pregnant so we decided to postpone it as it was going to be around my due date. I was really looking forward to it at the time and things were good between us.

Fast-forward to now, I actually can’t bear to be around him. He is useless with the twins, I do absolutely everything around the house, carry the mental load, do the shopping, housework and work full-time. He’s fucking useless.

I’m not sure why I didn’t see this before, probably because it was less of an issue before being parents. We both had our own lives, seeing friends etc.

We have nothing in common. We have no conversation, nothing to talk about, he’s not even interested in talking about the kids. I’ve actually noticed he’s got no personality. We hardly have sex, and when we do it’s just to get him off my back. I know that sounds bad, but I actually fucking resent him so much I can’t bear the thought of him coming near me.

I know I’m not perfect and since having the kids I’ve also changed. They are my priority and I just don’t have time for him after completing my day.

I shouldn’t have let the wedding get this far, but it was booked years ago and I thought things would get better. We are kind of in the trenches at the moment with the twins. But I honestly feel sick at the thought of marrying him.

How can I call it off at such a late date? Should I just go through with it and, if things don’t improve, get divorced? I’m fucked!

Your wedding guests will have wasted money and time attending and buying outfits and gifts, paying for travel and taking a day off work if it’s all going to fall apart, I’m sure they’d much rather you didn’t get married if your heart’s not in it.

The money you've both spent on it is gone either way.

Rip the plaster off now rather than having an awful time ahead of you.

OP - if you can find the courage, call it off.

You will have a few weeks of embarrassment but it will ease off eventually and some other scandal will roll around.

The huge danger for you is to marry him, then you can't leave because you only got married 3/6/9/12 months ago. You stay for longer, get further in and further down, making it harder and harder to leave.

Try to rip of the plaster.

Having said all of that, I know it will be hard so honestly, the best of luck.

I actually think this is a good idea even if it's just in the language you use

Could it be his grief is making him awful to be around at the moment?

Do you think he would ever buck his ideas up?

Is he grieving OP? Had he changed?

my DH lost his parents. He was awful for two years and I would have happily divorced him. He did pick up after a couple of years though…

You need to have a honest conversation about the relationship not just the wedding. A lot of people go through a hard time when they have small children, it can be a really rubbish time.

Do you fundamentally feel you can't bear him and there are no feelings of love at all? Or if he were to pull his weight and get some help for depression etc you could love him? Did you ever have anything to talk about?

After reading yr first post, the initial thought I had was - this should be a happy time for you both, and it’s obviously not for you, and I’m so sorry you are not feeling the special anticipation of it all.

Undoubtedly the hardest thing in all this will be calling the wedding off, & granted that’s no small thing, it’ll be emotional, once you’ve done that though I suspect feelings of tremendous relief will follow. Feeling as you do towards your partner, then marrying him is simply wrong….for you both, but for you especially. There seem too many cracks in this relationship to imagine they will suddenly disappear after a marriage ceremony.

Good luck.

Is living in rented acccommodation more palatable than being married to him with your own place? Given that you resent him so much you can’t bear the thought of him coming near you I suspect the rental accommodation sounds better. Given that your only assets are your jointly owned house and your pensions, I can't see that you'd be better off marrying him and then divorcing him. It is natural to have a few last minute doubts for many - I had a few - and we've been happily married over 30 years. But I think this goes way beyond that. He may have changed -some men's behaviour deteriorates when they think they have their partner securely "pinned down" with children - it is not so easy then to walk out in the face of unreasonable behaviour. For what it is worth, I would call it off and break up with him.

This truly says everything. It may seem a huge drama to call it off but I promise 6 months from now you will be so glad you called it off.

My friend cancelled her wedding and she got so much love and support from people, I was really proud of her for being brave enough to call a halt to it when she realized it wasn't right. And she managed to recoup some of her costs, sell her dress unworn etc.
I have another friend who got married despite a huge betrayal by her fiance a month before the wedding 'because it was all booked so we had to go through with it' ... she spent the entire honeymoon crying and they split as soon as they got home but the divorce took 2 years and cost a fortune in solicitors fees.
I'm sure your guests would much rather you do it now so they have chance to get refunds for outfits and gifts and maybe accommodation. Some people will probably be upset about it, but the ones who love you will be happy you're choosing a life where you're no longer a skivvy for some useless man you don't even like or respect any more.
Wishing you the best of luck, whatever you decide.

Don’t do it. Make it clear to everyone that it’s been ever since the babies were born and you were just too busy coping solo to think about it and now it’s so close you can’t not think about it and you cannot go through with it.

Call it off. One of my friends went through with a wedding she didn’t want and the marriage was awful.

It’s easier to call off a wedding than end a marriage.

A wedding is a lifelong commitment to the person you love and want to be with.

Also raising children together. It's more of a joint agreement what you both want to do.

Do you love him still? Do you want his last name for all your life? If no then maybe calling it off isn't going to hurt. You will both get some of your wedding costs back.

Calling it off now will alot easier. Do not marry someone you don't want to marry. Just leave. You can't stay together to save face forever

Call it off for both your sake and his. People will admire you for being honest and courageous

It is the bravest and hardest thing to do right now, but it will be nowhere near as hard as divorcing further down the track.

Get your little support bubble around you and go for it. People will genuinely understand.

Call it off. Split up. Sort out child maintenance and finances.

You'll feel so much happier once you've done this

Call it off it's been two years his not going to get better much easier to call it off than go through divorce later the honeymoons over and you've seen how it will be if you stay

If you cancel the wedding it’s likely the relationship will end too, is that what you want to happen?

I stayed with exh 10 years because I was too embarrassed to leave. that was around 20 years ago and even now that seems like a blip i can’t even remember being with him really although obviously at the time it was tough.
You deserve more than putting up with someone, yes you are in the tough part but if you don’t ever see a glimpse of what the two of you used to be and you don’t feel like that could come back it’s best to leave now.

Don’t get married. Getting divorced is HUGE PTA. Much better to call it off now and everyone can live with that. It’s hard but if you have any doubts at all- don’t.

Have you ever raised the issue of him being totally useless with his children and leaving everything in the house up to you?

His recent bereavement makes it more difficult to call the wedding off but it would be a huge mistake to marry someone who makes you so unhappy.

Do you have any family that you can speak to for support?

Divorce would be more expensive and more hassle than calling off the wedding.

I don’t get some pp are saying postpone instead of cancel. She’s clearly repulsed by this man who is a shit father. Men often tend to get worse not better as time goes on. This is the best it’s ever gonna get. Why would she marry him?

And as an aside her guests will be more annoyed her saying she wants to “reschedule” than cancel.

It’s easier to accept, losing money on say a flight or hotel booking because someone has backed out as she/he can’t bear to get married than they just want to faff about with the date.

Additionally it is kind of leading her partner on if she postpones and doesn’t cancel when it’s clear she’s no longer in love and doesn’t enjoy the relationship.

Don’t do it. You need to put yourself & children 1st.
Yes money will be lost (it’ll be lost navigating a divorce & everything that goes with it)
it won’t be embarrassing -people will care if you’re ok & respect you for standing up & saying no I don’t want this.
being miserable, resentful & divorced isn’t a prospect you knowingly walk into

be brave,
good luck xx

Cancel the wedding. Have a sentence ready for anyone who asks why ‘I was having doubts about the relationship for a long time and couldn’t go
through with it.’

I was a (to-be) guest at a cancelled wedding years ago, with 6 weeks notice ( I was a plus one). When I heard that the wedding was cancelled I was mildly irritated as I had booked travel and accommodation. We still went ahead with the trip, ( which I still enjoyed, despite no wedding.)

Don’t let others’ mild irritation be your guide to keeping the wedding , rather than your own immense distress.