AIBU to call off our wedding ten days before the ceremony?

[ThisFunnyZebra]

I have found myself in an unbearable situation and don’t know what to do. I’m getting married in 10 days and am literally having panic attacks at the thought of it.

It’s all paid for, everyone’s invited, everything is booked and organised, we’ve been on the hen and stag parties, and the honeymoon is booked straight after the wedding.

We have two children (twins), aged 22 months.

The wedding was supposed to have happened two years ago, but I fell pregnant so we decided to postpone it as it was going to be around my due date. I was really looking forward to it at the time and things were good between us.

Fast-forward to now, I actually can’t bear to be around him. He is useless with the twins, I do absolutely everything around the house, carry the mental load, do the shopping, housework and work full-time. He’s fucking useless.

I’m not sure why I didn’t see this before, probably because it was less of an issue before being parents. We both had our own lives, seeing friends etc.

We have nothing in common. We have no conversation, nothing to talk about, he’s not even interested in talking about the kids. I’ve actually noticed he’s got no personality. We hardly have sex, and when we do it’s just to get him off my back. I know that sounds bad, but I actually fucking resent him so much I can’t bear the thought of him coming near me.

I know I’m not perfect and since having the kids I’ve also changed. They are my priority and I just don’t have time for him after completing my day.

I shouldn’t have let the wedding get this far, but it was booked years ago and I thought things would get better. We are kind of in the trenches at the moment with the twins. But I honestly feel sick at the thought of marrying him.

How can I call it off at such a late date? Should I just go through with it and, if things don’t improve, get divorced? I’m fucked!

Surely this says it all? He wasn’t horrified and devastated that you’d not want to marry him. He was simply overwhelmed by the logistics and the hit to his pride due to the humiliation…

A lof of this advice is based on not already having toddler twins and a shared mortgage.

Or assumes the relationship would carry on as it is if the wedding is called off.

I can't imagine that if a woman came on here and said their long term partner has called off their wedding 10 days before, should they stay in the relationship, that many of the answers would be yes.

It's a calculation of can you realistically split now.

Given his current emotional state, I know I would go through with the wedding. Because it would be kicking him when he is down. I really wouldn't want to do that to someone I had cared about even if I no longer felt the same but perhaps more importantly, I wouldn't want to do that to someone I was going to have to co-parent with for years to come. Calling off the wedding and ending the relationship when he is bereaved and depressed would never be forgotten or forgiven. Unless you think he'd come to terms with it fairly quickly.

But that is me. Ideally, it would be better to call off the wedding and lose money there rather than that money being wasted anyway on a fake wedding and then have the additional cost of the divorce.

This is hard for you, but if you do call it off, you will get through it. If you’re getting married in a church, show the minister what you have written here. They will help, they will have seen it all before. They will not be able to marry you because morally it isn’t the right thing to do from what you’ve said.

A lot of people say that but I'm the opposite. I regret things I did do - getting married when I had doubts was the big one. So yes, don't do that OP.

There's no coming back from how you've described him OP. It's over. And you're not fucked, you're facing up to how you really feel. You'd be fucked if you didn't!

You need to share this with him asap and then rally friends and family to help you with the cancellation. If you can manage to do both those things in a firm but compassionate (and maybe slightly humble) way, that will help the future relationship with your DC's father and their wider family.

I'm perplexed that several people have suggested transforming it into a lovely naming /celebration day for the twins! Logistically almost impossible I'd have thought, confusing all round, and not sure what it would achieve with emotions inevitably running high.

I got married even when I had doubts. Now in a very messy divorce.

Call it off.

Call it off..

I cancelled my wedding. Never looked back!!! Only regret is I didn't leave sooner.

You have to call it off.

I had some niggly doubts, more of a gut feeling really telling me not to get married, even though things were pretty good before children. I ignored my gut.
10 years later I'm trapped with a lazy, angry, entitled, misogynistic man who throws tantrums like a toddler. Don't be like me.

Call it off. A divorce will be just as expensive and could be an avoided cost if you sack off the wedding.

Tell friends and family they can still attend to enjoy the food / drink / whatever is paid for, so that's not wasted.

DO NOT DO IT!!!! Walk away from the party, the sunk cost, the commentary.

I married when I had doubts and was separated within 2 yrs. It felt false and weird making my vows - and I was not even half as unsure as you are - and then it was hell, sheer hell, getting divorced.

Please end it now. You’ve already made up your mind, everything else like what people think doesn’t matter.

Obviously he will have said more but as you've reported it, OP, his objections to cancelling (maybe talk of it as postponing instead?) are based around money - you've paid now & won't get it back - and other people's reactions - they'll ask questions (they will) and he/you/both will look 'stupid'.

All I can say to the money one is that divorce will cost you more. As to people asking questions - ignore them. Have a prepared answer such as 'I'm really not ready to talk about it'. Looking stupid? I'm not sure what that even means in this context. Loss of face, perhaps? Both of you should make the announcement together if you can & give the same response when asked. Don't diss the other, keep dignified and quiet.

Please tell us how it goes.

I was taught as a child that you shouldn't waste food.

As an adult, someone pointed out to me that if you eat food when you're already full, you're wasting it almost as much as if it went in the bin.

Sure, you'll lose some deposits on the wedding. But it's a sunk cost fallacy to imagine you'll get better value out of that money "eating" the wedding than "binning" it.

The fact that you're (both) looking at it in these terms means your relationship is over anyway.

Well, I’ll go against the grain here and say get married.

You have more legal rights as a spouse and none as a cohabiting partner. He might, a long shot, unconsciously try harder as a husband than as a partner. You might feel that you have the right to demand more from him as a husband than as a partner. I’ve known too many women whose exes felt they had fewer responsibilities because they weren’t married.

Also, you are in the midst of the hardest time in a relationship. Many women felt like divorcing their husbands in those early childhood days but found they improved as fathers once the children got older.

You must be quite young or immature to be so blasé about getting a divorce. It's expensive and awful. Just call the whole thing off and kick him out. That's the mature thing to do.

He's like all the things you said because he wants to be, not because he has had a bereavement. He cares more about what other people think than you. He didn't even ask why you wanted to call it off.

Or, we'll be here in year when you married him and wished you hadn't.

Never too late to call it off, don't let yourself get pulled along in the arrangements . I wouldn't worry about looking stupid or even the money .

Probably should have read the full thread but I hit reply so I’ll continue. Gut tells me not to do it unless you’d be better off splitting up after getting married. Check what suits you best. I know it sounds devious and might be but you are the one holding the babies… divorce means separation needs to be done legally whereas unmarried it doesn’t.. (although courts can get involved).

does he want to get married? Have you spoken to him?

I had a friend call off the wedding with about 3 weeks to go, I could not have been more proud of her for doing a very difficult thing that she knew was right for her. Please don't make decisions based on what other people think because ultimately they're not the ones who will need to go through the stress and expense of a divorce. No one in here or in person is going to advise you should marry someone you can't stand.

Call it off. I suspect you will be pleasantly surprised by the support you get in not following through on something that's not right for you.

It's more difficult and expensive to get out of marriage than to just pull the plug before hand.

Honestly, if I were a guest, friend or relative I would be congratulating you on being true yourself.

Actually - just call it off. You don’t have to split immediately. Tell him he can Feign illness if you want to save face. But neither of you want to marry each other. After the pressure of the wedding is over you could consider going for couples counselling if you think it would be useful. Or you can just split up.

Best call it off now before you then have all the agro of a divorce etc etc...its easier to do.it now

Do a runaway bride on the day!

Seriously call it off now, delay it, do whatever it takes to give yourself extra breathing space.
Go on the honeymoon together to work it out. Tell him how things are and that he needs to change. Things will only get worse as school starts and the mental burden of everything will be upon you.

Tell your Mum and she will hopefully swing into action and sort a lot of cancellation stuff for you.
Please don't marry him, just because it's the easy option cc

Surely you must see its better to cancel a ceremony and party than it is to enter into marriage with someone you don't love?