AIBU to call off our wedding ten days before the ceremony?

[ThisFunnyZebra]

I have found myself in an unbearable situation and don’t know what to do. I’m getting married in 10 days and am literally having panic attacks at the thought of it.

It’s all paid for, everyone’s invited, everything is booked and organised, we’ve been on the hen and stag parties, and the honeymoon is booked straight after the wedding.

We have two children (twins), aged 22 months.

The wedding was supposed to have happened two years ago, but I fell pregnant so we decided to postpone it as it was going to be around my due date. I was really looking forward to it at the time and things were good between us.

Fast-forward to now, I actually can’t bear to be around him. He is useless with the twins, I do absolutely everything around the house, carry the mental load, do the shopping, housework and work full-time. He’s fucking useless.

I’m not sure why I didn’t see this before, probably because it was less of an issue before being parents. We both had our own lives, seeing friends etc.

We have nothing in common. We have no conversation, nothing to talk about, he’s not even interested in talking about the kids. I’ve actually noticed he’s got no personality. We hardly have sex, and when we do it’s just to get him off my back. I know that sounds bad, but I actually fucking resent him so much I can’t bear the thought of him coming near me.

I know I’m not perfect and since having the kids I’ve also changed. They are my priority and I just don’t have time for him after completing my day.

I shouldn’t have let the wedding get this far, but it was booked years ago and I thought things would get better. We are kind of in the trenches at the moment with the twins. But I honestly feel sick at the thought of marrying him.

How can I call it off at such a late date? Should I just go through with it and, if things don’t improve, get divorced? I’m fucked!

Call it off but its a pity you did not think of that before having kids that was the point when it was too late

Call it off.

It depends, not being married, it’s not cut and dried as it’s also a family home for 2 children

id be brave and cancel the wedding, yes you’ll lose money but a divorce is going to cost you £10k

youre not having doubts but great be craters have appeared and your partner seems to think you can just crack on with it for fear of embarrassment 😢

sit down with him and tell him it’s not going to work, let him go as much as letting yourself be happy

I have known at least two women who have called off their weddings not long before the big day

Be brave

Oh no OP, that's an awful situation.
If you're sure it isn't just cold feet (it doesn't sound like it is) then it would be pretty horrendous going through a whole day of pretending you're so in love in front of all your friends and family gathering to watch you. If you had got married 2 years ago, you could well be in the same situation in your relationship now and be considering whether to end things. Or you might have been able to work things through - 2 year old twins are tough! I remember very well saying to my DH at one point that I didn't have enough headspace to listen to him and was totally touched out and rock bottom libido. He did accept that it was a period where I wasn't able to put him first and that time would pass and the relationship would change again.
I think it's likely for you that calling the wedding off now will end the relationship without there being time or space to move things on. But getting married to someone you don't like or respect, find boring, pesters for sex and doesn't pull his weight with his children doesn't sound smart.

Divorce is expensive, time consuming and emotionally draining. He is very unlikely to improve after the wedding so save yourself the hassle.

Cancel and see if you can salvage anything, cost of flowers, rings, etc. I would take the children on the honeymoon, switch destination possibly rather than nobody go and waste the money.

If you know it would be a mistake don’t do it.

I don't have any solutions OP but babies (especially twins) place an enormous amount of pressure on a relationship, everything changes.
You are emotionally and physically exhausted.
Communication is urgently required

Are you sure this is all in both names legally?

Just thinking through if you split unmarried you’re not entitled to any of his assets. If it’s truly just the house held jointly to divide then that’s probably fine. Make sure you get as many copies of his docs as you can to claim child support etc.

Where are the wedding savings held? If not in joint accounts then make sure you access them asap. Basically assume he will screw you over and get there first!

I agree with those saying to call the wedding off. People will be surprised / shocked but will be grateful they haven't gone to the expense of attending your wedding, gifts etc, for you to divorce shortly after.

Please don't marry him. Yes, it will be embarrassing but not as bad as telling everyone you are breaking up after less than a year of marriage. Speaking from experience. Sorry this is happening, OP, he probably wouldn't care if it wasn't for the embarrassment.

If you can’t you can’t, so yes call it off. People probably won’t mind that much and can return gifts etc

Parenting small children is just about the most stressful thing you can throw at a relationship. Even if it comes from a place of love, it brings out the absolute worst in everyone.

Having said all that, if you really can’t see a way out, don’t get married. Losing the payments you’ve made will be far easier & cheaper than getting divorced.

@ThisFunnyZebra I do not say the following lightly.

Plenty of couples struggle in the trenches of early parenthood, exhaustion, resentment, loss of connection. But even in those cases, there’s usually affection, shared goals, willingness to work on things, a sense of partnership.

You are not describing none that. You're describing dread, panic, disgust, and a total absence of emotional connection. That’s not a temporary wobble; that’s a relationship that has fundamentally changed, and not in a way marriage will fix.
If anything, marriage will cement the dynamic you already finds unbearable.

The wedding being paid for is irrelevant. People often get stuck on sunk costs - “we’ve paid for it”, “everyone’s invited”, “we’ll look stupid”. But the cost of 10 days of embarrassment is nothing compared to the cost of a miserable marriage, years of resentment, a divorce that will be far more expensive, co‑parenting with someone you don't even want to be near and the emotional impact on the twins. Cancelling a wedding is painful and humiliating. Marrying someone you don’t want to be with is life‑altering.

His bereavement matters, but doesn’t override her reality. You are worried you’ll be “kicking him when he’s down”. That’s understandable. But grief doesn’t magically transform a bad relationship into a good one. And marrying someone out of guilt is a terrible foundation for both of you.

You can still be compassionate about his loss while being honest about the relationship. What I think you should do?

1. Call it off. Not postpone. Not “crack on”. Cancel.
2. Tell him clearly that her doubts aren’t about the wedding - they’re about the relationship.
3. Get support from family or friends, because cancelling a wedding is emotionally brutal.
4. Consider counselling, not to save the relationship necessarily, but to help her navigate the next steps.
5. Remember that the twins need two parents who aren’t trapped in resentment.

If you go through with it, you’ll almost certainly end up divorced, but with far more emotional and financial damage. Calling it off now is painful, but it’s the least painful option available.

I'm sorry @ThisFunnyZebra but it takes a brave woman to admit her mistake and stop it before it goes any further but from what you are saying, you know its doomed to fail. Stay strong.

There are no good options here op. Therefore you should pick the least worst option, that would seem to be calling off the wedding.

what/how do you manage finances?

You know what you need to do, please don't go through with it because of ' keeping up appearances' and for his sake, it'll be so much harder to extricate yourself once married.

These things happen, you won't be the first and you won't be the last.

Big hug, be strong, you've got this!

Obviously it's horrendous to have to call it off at this stage but do you have any option? Can you really walk down the aisle in front of your nearest and dearest and say 'I do'? I couldn't if I felt the way you do. You can work on the relationship if you want to but don't have a sham wedding.

Whatever happens this man will punish you for it op, his ability to punish you will be greater if you are tied to him by marriage.

The issue is that you’re not in agreement about the parlous state of your relationship. You will be the one “causing” this, he will be the “jilted” one, when in reality his actions are leaving you with no choice but to do this.

You certainly can do a dramatic calling things off, but I think the much more important thing is to talk about your future together and to come to an agreement. If you can do that in 9 days: great. If you can’t, postpone the wedding. As the second postponement, people will guess it’s effectively a cancellation and it will come as no surprise if you split so that’s the actual wedding dealt with. But for the big point of your relationship and how you will co-parent (given he does fuck all with and for anyone) you’d be buying yourself some time. You would also buy time to let it be known that your reticence is really about the nuts and bolts of marriage to this man and how you don’t share the same vision AT ALL on married life together.

OP, I was in similar shoes to you, many many moons ago. Unfortunately, to 'save face and not upset people', I went through with the wedding.

I lost one heck of a lot more face, and upset my family and friends, when I left him 6 months later.

Call it off if you think that’ll help with the panic attacks. The money is spent either way, so better doing it now if that’s what you want. Are you ready to break up though? Financially and emotionally?

I would consider going through with it if I didn’t have my ducks in a row, but if you’re prepared and able to live without his income/support with children (not that there’s much) then call it off