To think some online dating SA victims need to take more responsibility for their choices?

[Iatethelastbiscuit]

Last night I watched a bbc documentary about the high number of sexual assaults that occur on dates from app dating sites like Tinder. It’s horrific obviously and I’m not victim blaming here but some of these young women will chat to a guy for a few days then invite him over to their house or go to his house for a date. In the doc there was a lot of talk about how apps can keep women safe (annoyingly they kept saying “keep people safe” when we all know it’s women who are at risk), suggesting the apps do stuff like age verification and run background checks on every member. Never once was it mentioned that it might be a good idea if women took a bit of responsibility for their own safety. Eg. Some basic safety tips like meet in a public place, don’t invite a total stranger over to your house etc. The fact that all the women who were sexually assaulted in this doc had done this was quietly ignored. Are people so paranoid of looking like they’re victim-blaming these days that they’re ignoring the most basic safety rules?! No it’s not a woman’s fault if she’s assaulted but young women need to be learning how to stay safe. There will always be predators out there, that’s not going to magically change if an app brings in background checks (which won’t make a difference for most anyway). Women need to learn how to stay safe and the bbc needs to not be so woke that they’re too afraid to give women safety tips for fear of looking like they’re victim blaming!!

I have always felt that a woman should be allowed to ask a man to her bedroom, take her clothes off, and still stay safe, and not be touched if she so wishes. The responsibility is always on the man to respect the woman’s wishes and restrain himself and not rape and assault.

Thank you for reporting. People struggle for years blaming themselves for being assaulted and someone comes along and piles on the blame as well.

Maybe OP thinks those poor men couldn’t help themselves because the woman was clearly up for it by not taking sufficient care

YANBU

Obviously I should be able to go to any strangers home, be drunk and half naked and still not be raped - but life doesn’t work like that.

A PP said why are we teaching women how not to be raped and not teaching men not to rape - fair point.
We should be teaching men not to rape but the reality is that some men are monsters and enjoy seeing those weaker than them scared and in pain - you can’t simply ask them not to do it and hope for the best. If that was the case then no one would ever get raped.

These men feel they are superior.
They are not going to think hang on perhaps this isn’t right - because they love the fact that it’s wrong.

Of course I do think we should still teach boys things as sometimes there are grey areas or they get brainwashed on the internet and think certain things are acceptable etc

But I know so many women who talk to people on OLD and invite them to their home (with their DCs!!!) the first time they meet them.

I know multiple men in jail who will line up somewhere to live before they get out.

One guy got out of jail, went on tinder, matched with a woman who said she could live with her - on the same day he got out of jail! He literally went there with his jail bag and moved in and they’d shared a couple of messages and not knowing what he was in for.
What’s worse is that she had DCs and one day is going to have a very dangerous man there.

It’s not victim blaming to say be careful when swimming in the water incase there are sharks - do what you need to do to keep yourself as safe as possible.
Victim blaming would be saying - well you shouldn’t have gone in the water if you didn’t want to be attacked by a shark.

This.

There are plenty public awareness campaigns of “don’t leave your valuables unattended” but somehow saying “don’t invite strange men into your home” is taboo

Exactly this. So these posters saying op is victim blaming - would you tell your daughter it's fine to invite a random man back to hers without any precautions? Or would you tell her quietly how to be safe yet get offended if the BBC or whoever do the same but more openly. What about the young people who don't have sensible adults in their lives to give advice? Are they left to learn through terrible experience?

It’s frustrating people are reporting the thread because we need conversations like these.

You can’t bury your head in the sand and hope things will get better.

The votes on this thread have really depressed me. Still in 2026 we are making women responsible for the actions or men. SMH.

Well put. Warnings against scammers are everywhere, nobody says that you should be able to trust everyone who says they are ringing from your bank to check your password.

I think it happens to men too - gay men who invite/go back to a stranger’s house.

Basically it is STRANGER DANGER which we all teach our children, and which applies to adults just as much.

Of course men should not assault - but you can’t legislate/educate against a psychopath or even a disgusting chancer.

A “one night stand” sounds all dippy and cool - but like hell would I entertain the idea of admitting a completely random bloke into my house, let alone going back to some unknown place which you haven’t scoped out for means of escape.

Okay so is being young and naive justification for being raped? Was it the same as forgetting to lock the front door and having the TV nicked?

I think it’s good advice to tell women not to have strange men in their homes.

But I also think people need to realise you cannot simply address sexual assault by curtailing women’s behaviour. A man can just as easily sexually assault a woman he has known for 6 months vs. 1 he has known for a day.

I have never once seen this advice given to gay men. Ever.

Strangely I have had more one night stands than I care to count without incident but the man who raped me was a friend

Of course when the Home Office issued guidance to migrants on how to behave around women in the UK, there was a mass hysteria outbreak among the usual suspects that "we shouldn't have to tell men this".

A lot of teenage boys and men are also tricked in online scammers and phoney dates and then humiliated/beaten up/forced to send sexual images/blackmailed and in some cases sexually assaulted. So you are wrong about it only being women.

The perpetrators are nasty criminals who will take advantage of naive people. Obviously we should all try to be careful and look out for potentially dangerous situations but the blame lies entirely with the horrible people who are commiting these crimes.

How many of the women here saying it is victim blaming are ok with their daughters going off to meet someone for the first time in their home? Where has common sense got to?

We do not live in a world where rape and assault don't exist, we never will, however much we teach men to be better. And therefore, we have to make sure women also know how to keep themselves safe. That is not the same as saying it is their fault or they are responsible for it being done to them.

Two things can be true at once.

If you walked out into the middle of the road without looking or taking appropriate steps to keep yourself safe... then you would in some way be responsible for getting run over.
Everyone needs to take steps to keep themselves safe.
Inviting a total stranger into your home... or going round to a total strangers house alone... isn't safe behaviour.
Nobody deserves to be assaulted but running blithely through life without one eye open for potential threats is just... well, stupid.
You're the lone gazelle getting eaten by the lion.

It isn't just women at risk. There have been many men who have been assaulted while on dates (usually by other men).

Yeah, making stupid choices is stupid.

Some people think that it somehow exonerates a violent thug, which of course it doesn't at all.

As for "teach men not to rape" sorry, I'm not 12.

I have too and yes I'm absolutely sure he is. I'm really sick of this influx of bad faith or just authentically disgusting male posters. They must find MN incredibly threatening. It's weak and pathetic.

You can fucking guarantee he wouldn't be "taking responsibility for his choices" if he was vulnerable to attack. What is up with these men who are furious that they don't control the world (or an old parenting website) and yet don't think they should be responsible for controlling themselves?

Don't be so absurd. A car is allowed to use the road when the lights are green; the driver isn't responsible if someone runs out when it's not safe. A man is never allowed to attack a woman even if she makes it easier.

You think sexual assault is like driving a car? Stay away from people.

Okay ladies we get it - it’s our own silly faults if we get raped because we could have avoided it. I hope that it doesn’t happen to anyone in your family as it’s hard enough to deal with without being told that you could have avoided it.

Does anyone here leave their front door unlocked during the night? Does anyone here give out their bank details to all and sundry,?

The people who should be taking more responsibility are the dating platforms, along with the police and courts.