To still be hurt and angry that I was ‘Wendied’ 15 years ago

[pricecap]

DH and I were very friendly with a group of people, 3 couples. They came to our wedding, one of the men was my husbands best man etc. We all had children around the same time. Kids all got on in school and were invited to each others parties etc.

Then, two other couples joined the group, one woman was always a ‘Queen Bee’ type but nice enough, the other got a job as teacher in our small local primary school.

The teacher taught my daughter but unfortunately I had some issues with the school and had to raise a complaint eventually. Suddenly I was the complete outcast, the group closed up and ostracised myself and DH, despite the complaint not being directed at this teacher.

We lost our friendship group and even wider friends in one fell swoop which hurt so much. I suspect that the teacher (who is so far up her own backside she can kiss her teeth) did her level best to drag our names through the mud even though we had a legitimate complaint to make about the school and how they were treating a number of children who were set to go to a secondary school that wasn’t the choice of the school. Not one of them have actually ever had the guts to speak to me or tell me what I was meant to have done and even 15 years later it hurts when I see them and they blank me.

I’d love to ask them what their problem is after all this time, it was a hurtful, childish and ‘mean girl’ thing to do. I’d have preferred it if one of them had the guts to actually tell me at the time that I’d done something to upset someone. All I can think of is the school complaint. I can absolutely guarantee that if there was an issue with the schooling of one of their children they would have done exactly the same thing.

I wish people wouldn’t use names in a negative way like this.
Are Wendys joining Karens?

Being Wendied is a mumsnet ?verb / reference

Village mentality I’m afraid. I removed my dc from a village primary people blanked me and removed me on social media. Lucky escape for me. I’m surprised you still live there!

What is the ‘wendied’ reference? Please intrigued.

I have quickly gone through the thread but everyone seems to be in the know.

This happened to me when I raised lack of support from a very close friend in a 3 people plus me friendship group.

I'd had a major trauma long hospital stay, well 3 different hospital stay.

The two other friends just didn't send cards on my next Birthday (after I'd said I was hurt by the lack of support (I couldn't walk etc.) to my closest pal in the group about HER behaviour, not the more distant friends); as it was an upset I raised only with the 1 closest friend, I've no idea how they justify it...it hurt terribly at the time...now I think I just showed reality...they were crappy friends and people.

The close friend I'd very gently challenged when she asked if I was ok acted like we'd healthily cleared the air then ghosted me...all 'good community women'.

Sometimes, difficult events reveal people for who they truly are. I'd hate to bump into them so feel for you OP 💐

I don’t want to put her in an awkward position after all this time to ask what it was that I’d done that was so terrible.

"Hey A, I saw B the other day and she blanked me again, even after all this time. Do you know why B, C and D cut me out of their lives? I never found out."

I doubt the head was none too pleased that one of the teachers best friend had put a complaint into the school , your friend the teacher was very pissed off and wanted to keep her job so you had to go, you made yourself very unpopular of course your friend couldnt support yoy you put her in a bad position

Has your husband not spoke to his best man about it?

They didn't have the guts to tell you but you also didn't have the guts to ask. You did nothing to try to address the issue.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2119207-to-ask-you-to-share-your-experiences-of-a-Wendy?reply=47965138

it’s a longstanding reference to someone who joins your group and then shoves u out !

It refers to an MN thread from years ago where the OP had had a new friend join an existing friend group who'd then turned them all against her. She called the new scheming friend Wendy for thread purposes - it wasn't her real name - but that then gave rise to the use of Wendy for someone like this and for 'being Wendied' as describing it happening.

Oh, thank you guys, I will have a look at the thread link and don’t take it personally x

And I am laughing!

Thank you @PullTheBricksDown and @GaaNeen x

I’m still gutted about being ghosted by a friend 23 years ago so I’m not one to talk 😂
Seriously though, it sounds like the group fell under these women’s spells and were too spineless to stand up to them. It must be annoying seeing them round and them blanking you (ridiculous behaviour from an adult), but I hope you managed to make better friends in the interim.

They sound like incredibly shallow people. Be grateful that you managed to get them out of your life.

Did all the men, including your husbands best man, do the same to him? Did he never ask them directly? I find men a bit less likely to do this, and a bit more likely to be blunt about the reason if asked, so I'd have asked my husband to ask one of them what was up.

It does bother you, though. The effects are devastating at the time - your whole social life falls apart in one swoop - and far-reaching, especially in close communities. It's why 'shunning' was such a serious punishment in times gone by - although, very long ago, shunning could mean death by starvation or injury.

I got Wendied decades ago, by someone called Wendy! She was systematic and I had no idea what was going wrong, until a mutual (ex) friend told me much later. I had very similar experiences with an old boss who, unknown to me, had blacklisted me within our industry for an extremely personal and bonkers reason that he'd made up in his head, and the close 'friend' who had an affair with my first husband.

Each of these created a situation where stuff was going unbelievably wrong in my life for absolutely no apparent reason. Normally you'd expect to be able to identify some mistake you were making and try to fix it. But there was nothing, just weird silences where there should have been feedback.

Sympathies, @pricecap.

You said: For some reason all the parents used to fawn over her but I didn’t. I was pleasant but wasn’t prepared to be sickly sweet, I wanted to maintain a distance as she was my child’s teacher.

It's most likely, then, that your principled and outspoken character made you a threat to her domination strategy. The others would've realised that loyalty to your longer-standing friendship meant exclusion from the group, with its jolly caravan holidays. They were weak but it's a fair guess they were punished if they tried to stand up for you. Easier to go with the flow.

Humans are strange, that's for sure.

It was a long time.e ago, let it go and make new friends.

Believe me it’s worse when it’s your family that do it.

They sound like a bunch of drips, honestly.

People are weird about primary schools. Everyone is so obsessed by the perfect community takes a village stuff that if you disrupt the idea of that being true you become an outsider. Happened to me in a less obvious way and I still feel upset about it ten years later! Even though I've got loads of friends and don't even need those sheepy fuckers! Of course you're always going to do what's best for your kids as that's your first responsibility.

You could ask the friend what happened but if you do want to do that make it very jovial and relaxed, don't do it if it all still has a power over you because there's unlikely to be an explanation that makes you feel better. But there might be one that makes them all look like twats.

@pricecap I just needed to know more about the name reference in your post, you veterans.

Does it really mean that much in your life, that mean girls are being mean girls. Despite the fact that they are not girls. Maybe there lies the problem. Some adults are not mature.

Isn’t your life a better place without people like this in it?

Forget Queen Bee, are the others nice people if not under her control?

I live in a very small village. One neighbour has issues, but she has some personal problems going on. I don’t get involved, I don’t affiliate, I just breeze around, friendly with everyone.

Is that village Emmerdale?

People bandy the word 'narcissist' around very freely, but Wendies are, often, the real deal. Being the most popular, most loved, most admired is life or death to them and they pursue it ruthlessly. They lie, start rumours and set traps for anyone they perceive as standing in their way. Their egos are genuinely fragile, so most people pander to them to avoid causing a meltdown.

I was a newbie over 10 years ago. I didn’t join the WhatsApp group. Still not on it, I prefer the newsletter. I am a dying breed though.
I get the gossip from the village gossip and pretend I knew already and only tell my DH and DD.

@pricecap try to not allow it to upset you and now step back from it and in future ‘smile and wave’. That is the best annoyance you could send to Queen Bee.

Emmerdale IRL, sheep and all.