To still be hurt and angry that I was ‘Wendied’ 15 years ago

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DH and I were very friendly with a group of people, 3 couples. They came to our wedding, one of the men was my husbands best man etc. We all had children around the same time. Kids all got on in school and were invited to each others parties etc.

Then, two other couples joined the group, one woman was always a ‘Queen Bee’ type but nice enough, the other got a job as teacher in our small local primary school.

The teacher taught my daughter but unfortunately I had some issues with the school and had to raise a complaint eventually. Suddenly I was the complete outcast, the group closed up and ostracised myself and DH, despite the complaint not being directed at this teacher.

We lost our friendship group and even wider friends in one fell swoop which hurt so much. I suspect that the teacher (who is so far up her own backside she can kiss her teeth) did her level best to drag our names through the mud even though we had a legitimate complaint to make about the school and how they were treating a number of children who were set to go to a secondary school that wasn’t the choice of the school. Not one of them have actually ever had the guts to speak to me or tell me what I was meant to have done and even 15 years later it hurts when I see them and they blank me.

I’d love to ask them what their problem is after all this time, it was a hurtful, childish and ‘mean girl’ thing to do. I’d have preferred it if one of them had the guts to actually tell me at the time that I’d done something to upset someone. All I can think of is the school complaint. I can absolutely guarantee that if there was an issue with the schooling of one of their children they would have done exactly the same thing.

This. How, in 15 years, has this never come up in conversation with the person you still talk to?

“I get that there are two sides to every story but I’ve heard one side now and that’s plenty for me”.

Nope that's not it. I said you have to be there to truly know. I explained that just reading OP's version I have empathy for her.

But if you're the kind of person who hates upsetting someone, you're not the kind of person who would ever blank someone for 15 years in the first place. So whether you would be mortified or not isn't really relevant here. The kind of people who do just cut others off out of nowhere on the say-so of someone else aren't the kind of people who'll be "mortified" 15 days later, let alone 15 years.

You have empathy for the protagonist in the narrative she presented. Your characterisation of this as “empathy for her” underlines the point I’m making.

I agree

Oh God, not this again. When are you going to get it into your head that we only have one side of the story on every Mumsnet thread? Ever?

It's literally impossible for us to get both sides of any story on a forum like this. If we can only comment or form a view if we have both sides direct from the parties involved, we may as well shut AIBU down now.

Yes and that's ok

Oh god, not this again. When are you going to get it into your head that however obvious it is to you, the replies here clearly indicate that this is not the case for everyone?

And Its okay for me to point this out in scare-quotes.

This is a good summary,

Yeah I guess? Not sure what point it is you were trying to make tho?

You're just making this up. And you're not changing anything through your comments. You can't present the other side because you don't know what it is.

We should all beware teachers. All that holiday; extra "training" days (why are untrained people teaching our kids??); all that " there is no bullying at my school" ( really?); all that "I saw a snowflake we need to close the school!", all that "I am really disappointed in you" stuff?
Associate at your peril!

I too live in a village and it IS very up itself. If someone starts a rumour it spreads like disease,people take sides and the "accused" party is found guilty without a trial and without bothering to actually ask them what happened.
Its petty small mindedness and unfortunately exists long after people leave the playground as pupils.

Its not weird it is typical childish behaviour. Do you remember the school bullies, well if you were friends with them they didn't bully you so most people were friends with the bully. People don't change as they age. Once the bully,always the bully. Everyone just did what they did to stay on side. Its pathetically simple but they will put their actual true thoughts well below being friends with "queen bee".

It sounds as if they are all gypsies, which might well lead them to exclude you if you are not a member of the travelling community yourself.

YANBU to still be hurt and angry. It is very painful to be ostracised by your friendship group, especially given the circumstances of not knowing precisely why and living in a small community. There have been several articles fairly recently about how devastating it is to lose close friends. To lose an entire cohort in one blow, to be cast outside the magic circle, is almost intolerable.

If you really live in a village then almost everyone there probably knows about this rift. It seems extraordinary that word hasn't somehow filtered down to you. How uncomfortable it must be for you.

There are so many questions around this scenario; but there will never be any resolution. After 15 years, are these questions really worth asking? If you feel that you must have answers, then broach the subject over a coffee with the one person who still speaks to you. Or ask your husband to discuss it with his best man.

Thinking ahead, have you considered after 15 years of being blanked, children presumably completed school, of calling it a day and moving away? Sometimes it is best just to walk away.

Oh yeah, now I think about it, several of my teachers were from the traveller community..... NOT 😄

As no-one told you it may not be a result of your actions at all. One of the other group couples could have had a marital row. Originally from a small village, I keep a few unmingling wider groups of associations in case a group implodes. No wonder it still hurts at times, but maybe begin the process of finding new less fleeting association groups. Some suggestions include amateur theatre, natural or local history and other hobbies or even authors- I enjoy discworld club activities.

Bravo - and especially if it is true. There is a lot of research of how differently men and women deal with adversaries, historically. Men fight and are more open. Women engage in reputation destruction, smear campaigns and underhand tactics - like witches - because of the obvious physical differences with men. A Cambridge PhD was published ages ago about evolutionary psychology - why men are better at friendship with other men and why women are naturally worse at friendship with women - men had to be friends and work as a team to kill prey historically (hunters), women were gatherers and like fuck would they share information (work as a team) with other women to betray to them the location of the best mushrooms, berries, etc. whatever they were gathering. Basically, different evolutionary motivation.

That's really interesting...and explains a lot! ha
Thanks for sharing :)

Honestly this sounds like balls like most evolutionary psychology. Would love to have a read of it and see if it somehow isn't misogynist claptrap.

Sorry, did you say you would love to have a read and decide if a Cambridge University publication is a pile of misogynistic shite?

I would take the opportunity to ask the woman you are still friendly with.

Call or message her and say, 'I saw squiggle face today in the street and she blanked me after all this time. It felt a little sad. It was so long ago and it got me wondering ..... I still don't know what happened, why it all ended the way it did. I don't mean to put you on the spot but seeing squiggle face today has me curious even though it was 15 years ago.

If she's awkward and says 'Ohh I don't want to be dragged in to it or I don't know' Then just accept that at face level and move on. But this is your chance.