To still be hurt and angry that I was ‘Wendied’ 15 years ago

[pricecap]

DH and I were very friendly with a group of people, 3 couples. They came to our wedding, one of the men was my husbands best man etc. We all had children around the same time. Kids all got on in school and were invited to each others parties etc.

Then, two other couples joined the group, one woman was always a ‘Queen Bee’ type but nice enough, the other got a job as teacher in our small local primary school.

The teacher taught my daughter but unfortunately I had some issues with the school and had to raise a complaint eventually. Suddenly I was the complete outcast, the group closed up and ostracised myself and DH, despite the complaint not being directed at this teacher.

We lost our friendship group and even wider friends in one fell swoop which hurt so much. I suspect that the teacher (who is so far up her own backside she can kiss her teeth) did her level best to drag our names through the mud even though we had a legitimate complaint to make about the school and how they were treating a number of children who were set to go to a secondary school that wasn’t the choice of the school. Not one of them have actually ever had the guts to speak to me or tell me what I was meant to have done and even 15 years later it hurts when I see them and they blank me.

I’d love to ask them what their problem is after all this time, it was a hurtful, childish and ‘mean girl’ thing to do. I’d have preferred it if one of them had the guts to actually tell me at the time that I’d done something to upset someone. All I can think of is the school complaint. I can absolutely guarantee that if there was an issue with the schooling of one of their children they would have done exactly the same thing.

Your daughter must be grown up now. Id let it go. They were never true friends to begin with.
If you still cant get over it then move away from them.

No one on here will be able to fill in any gaps for you here, unfortunately. But my view is it must have been more nuanced than several couples freezing you out because you made a complaint to your daughter’s primary school that concerned none of them.

In any case, I think the only thing you can do at this stage is move on. I appreciate it may sting from time to time.

This. Ostracising you over a complaint seems very bizarre. Nobody would even care about that at all. The teacher herself might not even know if it was nothing to do with her. Are you sure it’s not for another reason you may be unaware of? And I mean this gently, (not saying this is the case) but it’s not for behavioural/challenging issues related to your DD is it that the other parents have become aware of through their children? It’s not a case of them supporting/backing the school to do with sanctions or behaviour is it? If not, I can’t genuinely think of anything else! I’m stumped! I’m so sorry, that must be very hurtful. Could you pull aside the member of the group you are closest to an perhaps have a chat?

People like that just aren't worth it.
It's been 15 years, let it go

The reason for the complaint would be very outing. It involved a group of children really and how the head treated them differently and didn’t give the same opportunities because they were going to a different secondary school. I was probably very principled over it at the time and I was outspoken over my annoyance about the situation. One of the couples didn’t completely break away and I still chat to her now. I don’t want to put her in an awkward position after all this time to ask what it was that I’d done that was so terrible.
I do believe that the teacher is the main instigator. For some reason all the parents used to fawn over her but I didn’t. I was pleasant but wasn’t prepared to be sickly sweet, I wanted to maintain a distance as she was my child’s teacher

You can't tell her that with certainty. She knows far more than you. You're just guessing.

Mean post btw.

Honestly it doesn’t sound like they were actually your good friends if they’d stop talking to you without even discussing the issue. My husbands best man would hide a body for him he certainly wouldn’t ditch him over some teacher.

I consider myself being a loyal and good friend but I wouldn't be OK with hiding dead bodies. Am I still a good friend?

I’d have to call them out if they blanked me. But I wouldn’t have waited this long @pricecap I’d want to set the record straight if they were saying stuff that wasn’t true …

I think it was a long time ago and you don't know with any certainty that your theory about the teacher is true. Because it is just a theory.

It's also perfectly possible that there's a totally different explanation that you're not aware of.

Either way, I would really try not to waste any more energy on it. It's water under the bridge now and there's nothing to be gained from it tbh.

The way you are describing these people is very childish. Calling someone a queen bee or whatever. Maybe your friends just like her or the one they fawned over? I couldn't even remember something as petty as this 15 years later. Kindly, you need to move on and stop thinking about this.

I live in a village and sadly this shit happens all the time. You see fresh faced newbies joining the whatsapp group and saying how amazing everyone is and you know within a couple of years there'll be affairs, arguments over hedges, stalking and disputes relating to some committee or other. There will be lots of hurt feelings, people will ignore other people, people will move away, new people will arrive and the cycle will repeat. I hope you have found other friends op. This lot sound like nightmares. You're better off without them.

There is nowt stranger than folk OP.

We moved to a posh market town twenty odd years ago and when we lost a lot of money in the 2008 crash many friends went with it.
I found out three years ago we were the subject of malicious gossip regarding our financial position. Apparently we were involved in prostitution and drugs back in the day (were too old now).
We were denied house viewings of properties for sale and rentals. We finally traced it back to an old landlord and a friend of a friend. If I had the money I'd sue for defamation. That's very expensive so I haven't but it still upsets me.
My children were also shunned.

I now look back @pricecap I realise these people were middle class sheep.
Everything was about what you had and did. Like your situation we had a Queen Bee and she controlled everyone's playdates and invitations.

7 years on we moved away and I'm much happier. My DC are grown up and have their own choice of friends.
I shall be selling company shares next year and I can't wait to see their faces when they try to work out our new found success.
I look forward to eating my dish served cold.

How on earth have you let this fester for 15 years without asking anyone why you've been cut out of the group?! Especially as you're still friends with one of them?! How has this never come up in conversation between the two of you? And is the one your friends with the partner of your husband's best man? If not, I agree it's very weird that your husband's best man would suddenly stop talking to him with zero explanation.

just ask her! it’s not going to seem like a big deal to her since it was 15 years ago.

It still seems weird of them to have ditched you over this.

If i were you id be worried that it was something totally different that you had no idea about. maybe they had an issue with your husband, for example.

It's the only thing you can think of. Without hearing from anyone else it's impossible to know what happened. Horrible for you.

Were some of the children you deemed receiving “favourable” treatment/more opportunities over your own daughter the children of some of these parents? Were they bought up in your complaint to the school? I don’t mean by individual child names but just as part of the group you thought was receiving favourable treatment?

😂you are so right

This was my train of thought too🤔

Worry less about what was said or what caused the rift and focus on they can't have been that great a friend if they didn't automatically go
this isn't what I would expect from X, I should check they are ok and hear the story from their side

Their snub says a lot more about them than it does you.

This, and what was the favourable actions? Why would the ht care?!

I live in a quite well to do small market town and can understand this. Everyone knows everyone or has some connection, so things and people can be inescapable. It's not as easy as just move on.

However, I think all you can do is focus on other friendships and areas of your life. If this is how they behave, they unfortunately weren't true friends to begin with. It won't just be you, there'll be some of fallings out and gossiping going on now. Unhealthy dynamics.

I find this quite alien to my way of thinking but I know lots of people think this way. I feel depressed if I’m expected to be friends with insincere people. I’d be relieved to be ignored by them and just focus on nice people. I don’t like being left out but I really detest social insincerity and boring school cliques. Just interesting to read other experiences. Hope you get to the bottom of it though!

It’s such a shock when a group of people behave in a sheep like manner, I’ve seen it in action too.
I wonder if your daughter and the rest of the small group were heading for private school from a state school or vice versa? Quite enough to set others off I should imagine.

OMG this is why I'm so glad to be living in London. Having lived in a small middle class village (where everyone literally is in everyone's pocket and its considered normal to spend hours discussing other people's affairs and business) and then small town (a bit better but still hellish, gossip galore) I find the anonymity of London absolutely heavenly. There was some cliquie bullshit at my son's primary school but thankfully I could just ignore it all as it was, socially, a drop in the sea for me.

I literally would shout to the person ignoring me - HI, HOW ARE YOU, REMEMBER ME??? to make them mega embarrassed and to give these idiots something to talk about.