To still be hurt and angry that I was ‘Wendied’ 15 years ago

[pricecap]

DH and I were very friendly with a group of people, 3 couples. They came to our wedding, one of the men was my husbands best man etc. We all had children around the same time. Kids all got on in school and were invited to each others parties etc.

Then, two other couples joined the group, one woman was always a ‘Queen Bee’ type but nice enough, the other got a job as teacher in our small local primary school.

The teacher taught my daughter but unfortunately I had some issues with the school and had to raise a complaint eventually. Suddenly I was the complete outcast, the group closed up and ostracised myself and DH, despite the complaint not being directed at this teacher.

We lost our friendship group and even wider friends in one fell swoop which hurt so much. I suspect that the teacher (who is so far up her own backside she can kiss her teeth) did her level best to drag our names through the mud even though we had a legitimate complaint to make about the school and how they were treating a number of children who were set to go to a secondary school that wasn’t the choice of the school. Not one of them have actually ever had the guts to speak to me or tell me what I was meant to have done and even 15 years later it hurts when I see them and they blank me.

I’d love to ask them what their problem is after all this time, it was a hurtful, childish and ‘mean girl’ thing to do. I’d have preferred it if one of them had the guts to actually tell me at the time that I’d done something to upset someone. All I can think of is the school complaint. I can absolutely guarantee that if there was an issue with the schooling of one of their children they would have done exactly the same thing.

I’d get that this would be upsetting if it had just happened, or even if it happened a year ago, but this happened 15 years ago!! You really need to move on. Life is way, way too short to be this hung up on this after 15 years. You’ll likely never get the answers you’re looking for (it likely was the school complaint). Focus on the people in your life who appreciate you, forget about these people who weren’t worth your time anyway, and move forward. People have gone through divorces, deaths of loved ones, and complete mental health breakdowns and got over them in far less than 15 years!

It doesn’t seem healthy to be still carrying all this after 15 yrs.

Pull them aside and have a chat about it 15 years later? They’d think she was absolutely mental

We live in a large village and experienced similar. Discovered what had happened when a brave outlier invited me to dinner with closest friend. After a couple of drinks it turned out ‘closest friend’ was the biggest two-faced b**ch, and fantasist, you could meet. I’d totally missed it.
It’s amazing how some people can teach middle age and still be so immature. Glad to be rid of them.

Now would you have been happy to be part if a group like that?
To buy the caravan too? To go where the ‘leader’ thought was nice?

I don’t know what happened with the school but I suspect your biggest ‘mistake’ was to be outspoken. Which means you wouldn’t have gone down the route the rest kf the group took - following blindly whatever one of them said/did.

I suspect if it hadn’t been the school issue something else would have happened,
Just enjoy your life @pricecap . At least it’s all yours.

You’re well shot of them. This kind of ridiculous keeping-uppery is nauseating. I couldn’t have stayed friends with them anyway once they started behaving this way. I would have eye-rolled hard enough to strain my forehead muscles. 😄

Sounds like weird power-play and petty politics by people who are bored and have nothing better to do with themselves.

Village life, eh.

Keep your distance. They'll have ostracised others, even if you aren't aware who exactly. People like this don't change.

I suppose everything else I'm your life must be going well if you are worried about this nonsense from a decade and a half ago

relationships like this fall into 4 groups:

A) they don't like you, you don't like them either;
B) you like them, but they don't like you back;
C) they seem to like you, but you don't like them much;
D) you like them and they like you.

D is where you should spend 80% of your time and effort.

B and C, it's ok to give 5% each. Push a little with B, allow C to push a little against you. Maybe there's a slim chance of re-evaluation.

A needs 10% of your time and defensive effort, to stop them damaging you in some way.

You did nothing wrong, don't worry about it. Stop giving it thought. If there is someone or people who you cared about then reach out.

I had this once. Someone said I stole a hairspray from her house when I was 12. It was her big sister. I'm 35 now and she still tells anyone we know the same story. One hairspray. I've never ever used hairspray! Our older sisters used it constantly and it has never not made me choke. They used to spray it in our rooms on sleepovers and run away. But somehow this one thing has followed me through senior school, school runs, even a couple jobs and most fun - a next door neighbor.

I've spoken to her about it a few times, we live in a small town. It's bonkers.

Blimey, reckon you're better off without them! I'm
sorry you went through that, though. I hope you moved on and got better friends.

Seriously, I think it is long past the time you should have got over this.

Also, given your unpleasant comments about a couple of these people I wonder just how blameless you are.

I would also say, OP, these people dont need a reason to hate/ ignore someone, this is similar to bullying - something insignificant that happened, some minor personality trait is enough for them to turn you into a person to bully. They might not even remember themselves why they done it.

Laugh at them/ ignore.

I think the phrase Queen Bee is mostly used by women. I think we are capable of coming up with our own expressions. And it specifically applies to the woman who weilds the most power in a group of women.

If men didn't exist women would still fall out with each other. I can't see where misogyny comes into it.

(I daresay someone will tell me I have "internalised misogyny" - it's so predictable)

So fucking yuck. I don’t touch friendships where they all copy each other and this herd
like behaviour is a sign of low IQ/pathetic group think.

You are well shot of these cowards who were only ever shallow friends.

Who was that to?

So you and these original couples were really enmeshed in each other’s lives and on the say so of someone they’d known five minutes, they dropped you and your DH?

I’d say the teacher and the Queen Bee type did you a favour. Who needs friends that are so fickle and so ready to believe bad things about you?

Crikey! So the brave outlier outed the close friend right in front of you both at dinner? I'd love to know how that played out.

Fancy giving us any more details?

Haha yes I missed that bit! I skim read and thought it happened more recently!

You have to ask your friend and keep us posted OP! I would definitely want to know. Maybe it’s to do with your husband, or maybe it is just the school incident. The only thing I think it could possibly be is a) they’re shitty friends or b) your husband made the women uncomfortable.

Speculating will only get you so far. Don’t worry about it being awkward to ask, it’s far more awkward to pretend it didn’t happen imo.

Also, as tough as it may be, it’s good to keep in mind, friends for a season, friends for a reason. I also think wouldn’t want to be friends with sheeple,

I like my friends to be principled and make up their own mind about things - even if we are in disagreement about our views and values.

Two-faced person got drunk and outed her behaviour herself, mostly being absolutely appalling about someone else, but a passing reference to me. I didn’t comment and just distanced myself from then on. To give her credit she put on a really good ‘appropriate’ act most of the time.
Can’t say anything else as it might be outing.

The trash took itself out, OP, leaving a nice big space for new friends! Be happy and waste not one more moment allowing those people to live rent free in your head. It’s been 15 years - let it go 💖

There’s no way a primary school head gives 2 hoots what secondary school a child goes to. Why would they?!? And it’s so odd you’ve never once asked the remaining pal what gives. It doesn’t put her in an awkward position at all especially after all this time as the other friendships are dead and gone. Didn’t your husband speak to the best man to ask what was up?

Can’t say anything else as it might be outing.

Appreciate that 👆🏻 The last thing we want is for her to know you even remember it 😄

Horrible experience, but you seem to have survived, so good on you.

Completely agree with your take on this @HouseBee

OP - it sucks to be Wendied.
I’ve encountered a Wendy who thank fuck had it back fire on her !!
anyway, you are ruminating -
no good ever comes of ruminating -
focus on living your life - that’s all u can do