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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To still be hurt and angry that I was ‘Wendied’ 15 years ago

120 replies

pricecap · Yesterday 18:33

DH and I were very friendly with a group of people, 3 couples. They came to our wedding, one of the men was my husbands best man etc. We all had children around the same time. Kids all got on in school and were invited to each others parties etc.

Then, two other couples joined the group, one woman was always a ‘Queen Bee’ type but nice enough, the other got a job as teacher in our small local primary school.

The teacher taught my daughter but unfortunately I had some issues with the school and had to raise a complaint eventually. Suddenly I was the complete outcast, the group closed up and ostracised myself and DH, despite the complaint not being directed at this teacher.

We lost our friendship group and even wider friends in one fell swoop which hurt so much. I suspect that the teacher (who is so far up her own backside she can kiss her teeth) did her level best to drag our names through the mud even though we had a legitimate complaint to make about the school and how they were treating a number of children who were set to go to a secondary school that wasn’t the choice of the school. Not one of them have actually ever had the guts to speak to me or tell me what I was meant to have done and even 15 years later it hurts when I see them and they blank me.

I’d love to ask them what their problem is after all this time, it was a hurtful, childish and ‘mean girl’ thing to do. I’d have preferred it if one of them had the guts to actually tell me at the time that I’d done something to upset someone. All I can think of is the school complaint. I can absolutely guarantee that if there was an issue with the schooling of one of their children they would have done exactly the same thing.

OP posts:
Willreturnforsure2 · Yesterday 18:35

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wellherewegoagainpeople · Yesterday 18:39

People following the herd like this never fails to surprise me but it happens a lot. I’m not sure you’d get any answers now but in my experience folks can find all sorts of ways to justify their actions so I’d just try and move on.

LadyLooo · Yesterday 18:40

Hmmm not sure why you’re blaming it all on this woman and not the others, who clearly weren’t great friends to begin with.

No-one on earth could put me off a close friend by telling lies about them.

I know my close friends too well.

LindorDoubleChoc · Yesterday 18:42

YABU, time to get over it.

Willreturnforsure2 · Yesterday 18:42

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Willreturnforsure2 · Yesterday 18:43

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AdeleRochester · Yesterday 18:47

I have to say I’d be less upset with the teacher and furious with long term friends who cast me and my family aside without a word on someone else’s say so.

Willreturnforsure2 · Yesterday 18:48

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pricecap · Yesterday 18:48

Yes they seem to have, it’s only bothered me today as I’ve just passed one of them now and I was completely blanked.

It sounds ridiculous when I think about it, I can only think it was the complaint to the school that was the cause. It was a legitimate complaint too!

We lost two couples immediately who got very close with the teacher and the queen bee - then I noticed about 2 other couples associated with them had deleted me off Facebook. I couldn’t believe it!

We all live in a small village, I have no doubt that my name is still mud in the group. Teacher is still the main instigator and they all dance to her tune as much as I can see…winds me up!!! 😂😂😂

OP posts:
ALovelyPinkUnicorn · Yesterday 18:48

two other couples joined the group, one woman was always a ‘Queen Bee’ type but nice enough, the other got a job as teacher in our small local primary school.
why did you need to mention one was a “queen bee” type, if that’s not the teacher?
how do you know it was because you complained about the school? How did they treat the dc differently and why?

OnlyUsername · Yesterday 18:50

Well... People only do this so easily if they're already looking for an excuse. You may well have blotted your copybook unknowingly well before the complaint.

ALovelyPinkUnicorn · Yesterday 18:51

two other couples joined the group, one woman was always a ‘Queen Bee’ type but nice enough, the other got a job as teacher in our small local primary school.
why did you need to mention one was a “queen bee” type, if that’s not the teacher?
how do you know it was because you complained about the school? How did they treat the dc differently and why?

Willreturnforsure2 · Yesterday 18:51

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pricecap · Yesterday 18:52

The dynamics in the group meant that as soon as the queen bee joined, around the same time as the teacher they all kow towed to her too. They are the wealthiest in the group. They bought a caravan, next thing they all bought caravans. If one bought something or went somewhere then they all followed suit.

OP posts:
ALovelyPinkUnicorn · Yesterday 18:53

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This, long terms friends, including your husbands best man ditched you on the say so of a new friend?

Willreturnforsure2 · Yesterday 18:53

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pricecap · Yesterday 18:55

ALovelyPinkUnicorn · Yesterday 18:51

two other couples joined the group, one woman was always a ‘Queen Bee’ type but nice enough, the other got a job as teacher in our small local primary school.
why did you need to mention one was a “queen bee” type, if that’s not the teacher?
how do you know it was because you complained about the school? How did they treat the dc differently and why?

The complaint to the school was the only thing I did.

OP posts:
Hellohelga · Yesterday 18:56

Doesn’t sound like they were true friends tbh. More like friends of convenience.

1986Massive · Yesterday 18:57

pricecap · Yesterday 18:55

The complaint to the school was the only thing I did.

Seems very strange to drop you over a complaint. Most people wouldn't care if their friends complained to the school.

What was the complaint like? A polite email outlining something, or did you plaster it all over the whatsapp group and slag people off etc.

AdeleRochester · Yesterday 18:57

I can only imagine someone told a lie about you.

Who really cares if their friend has a spat with the school? It’s an odd reason to dump someone.

You never approached your best man and his wife to ask why?

oviraptor21 · Yesterday 18:57

Have you spoken to any of them since? Maybe you should - find out what their take on it is, 15 years later.

Arbourimage · Yesterday 19:02

It’s all very odd, I would be surprised if multiple people stopped being friends with both you and your husband due to a complaint you made to the school. I imagine there was more going on behind the scene, even your tone now is quite snarky referencing the “queen bee” which is always meant as a misogynistic insult, when she doesn’t even have anything to do with anything based on your own post??

pictoosh · Yesterday 19:03

Without knowing the context it's hard to comment on the fall out.

I will say that being cut out by an entire group is humiliating, hurtful and often traumatic. To lose the support and company of people you thought you could count on is actually devastating. It's not surprising that it resurfaces now and then, 15 years later.

You will have moved on of course...but I understand why it still bothers you.
Very harsh treatment whatever happened. Xx

Bananacrepewithnuts · Yesterday 19:03

15 years is a long time.

Let it go now.

Hold your head up high next time you bump into one of the group.

I assume you've made new friends in the meantime so just concentrate on them.
X

RosesAndHellebores · Yesterday 19:04

It was 15 years ago and as you have described one as a Queen Bee and one so far up her own backside, she could lick her teeth, you were never exactly sold on them it seems. Perhaps they realised, and sensed the stabbiness over having more money than you.

They are caravanners, you are not. It's a shame they blank you and quite ill mannered, but seriously, when you see them do you smile and ask how they are, or are yiu blanking too?

However, what yiu describe is why we never became overly friendly with school gate brigade.