AIBU to find a baby shower wish list a bit grabby?

[Handrearedmagpie]

Friend having baby shower. I freely admit to liking baby showers, which previously have just been groups of female friends/family getting together for cakes, some wee games & a good catch up for the new mum before life gets busy.

However, friend has sent out invites for her baby shower (men included - fine, each to their own) but with an Amazon gift wish list included?!?!?! Like, aren't gifts meant to be given once baby is safely here?! Are we meant to provide good gifts (as opposed to a token baby shower gifts) twice?!

It's been a while since I've been to a baby shower as this friend is younger than me, so maybe I'm just out of date & "wish lists" are a thing? AIBU to think it's grabby??

I've never been to a baby shower, but also, I have never given a gift before baby arrives.

I've never been to one, but I always assumed everyone brought presents for the baby to the baby shower. Isn't that literally the point - you're showering the baby with gifts?

Usually, when you have a baby shower the gifts are given then and you just do a card when baby is actually born, so no double gifts. Personally when I had mine an Amazon wishlist saved me from answering the same question a million times (what would you like) and actually most people just asked for the wishlist as it is quite common. I don’t think it’s grabby, I’d rather someone spend £30 on a bottle rack than £30 on an outfit baby is going to wear for one picture.

I live in America, this is the way it's done here - and I hate it. I do it, because as a pp says, it saves the (normally) heavily pregnant woman from answering the same question 100 times, and also when in Rome etc. But I refused to have a baby shower myself, I didn't accept any gifts before the baby arrived (in that I said thank you, I'll open it once the baby is here). I find the whole thing far too attention seeking and other than weddings and babies I can't think of any other time when it's acceptable for people to ask people for things, so why now?

American here. The definition of a baby shower is literally a party for giving the expectant mother baby gifts ... like it's right there in the name. What, did you genuinely think everyone was gathering for cupcakes and compulsory small talk? The registry prevents people wasting money on duplicates and nobody expects another gift after the birth. Your friend isn’t grabby—you’ve misunderstood the entire concept and somehow decided she’s the rude one.

Another example of what I raised on another thread about unrealistic expectations.

You usually give a gift at the baby shower. Having a wishlist means you're getting things you actually need or are wanting, it also stops people getting duplicate items.

If they have a baby shower, I give a gift at the shower and then send a congratulations message or card after the baby is born. I like a wish list as it’s less work choosing a gift for me and means they don’t end up with duplicate gifts.

This seems a more American than UK idea. I feel like in the UK gifts are more token things like a sweet book or cardigan or something personalised. I wouldn't expect my friends to be buying essentials for the baby like a breast pump or sterilising kit etc. Maybe grandparents if they wanted to get a pram or something but in general it feels grabby to me to expect a particular gift.
If you give at the shower then you just do a card when baby is born.

I don’t think it’s grabby, more practical to have a gift list. Heavily pregnant mum to be has better things to do in her last trimester than return and exchange gifts she doesn’t need or has duplicates of.

Typical lately has been a gift for the shower and then a card when baby arrives. I've never had a shower and shudder at the thought, but for many people they are a big & important pre-baby event. Every baby shower I've been to has had a registry with varying costs - from cot sheet sets to a pram. Typically grandparents/family pooling together have done the big item(s) and friends have done the things that are, I'd say, £25-50 range. I do understand it's helpful in terms of no duplicate gifts, but can come across as a bit entitled, not with everyone, but some.

I’m going to one this weekend, no gift list, everyone is bringing something for afternoon tea and we are playing games and eating - I’m really looking forward to it.
Have bought the mother to be a prenatal massage voucher (she can use it post baby if she wants) and will buy the baby something when it’s arrived.
Lists are helpful I suppose if you know people are going to buy you presents anyway, I’d be happy to buy something from a list!

YANBU. I saw a US TikTok the other day saying don’t invite me to your wedding showers and baby showers if you don’t invite me to dinner or coffee.

So they have become all about gifts.

I didn't know they were a thing at all until I was invited to one. Everyone took gifts.
After the baby was born, there was another event... a 'meet and greet' where people took even more gifts. Just seemed grabby to me.

All the baby showers I have been to people have given practical gifts- muslins, bath, thermometer, sheets, steriliser etc so the parents have all the necessary things ready for the baby's arrival. Then when the baby arrives you can get it a cute gift if you want to but there would be no need

I had a gift list but then I had triplets and really needed one. I think it’s sensible to get things you need and like, as long as it’s not considered mandatory- more suggestions

As others have said, the baby shower is when you can give your gift and having a list is helpful especially for a first time mum with a lot of things to buy. Bigger value items can always be purchased collectively as I have done with work colleagues for one of our work friends baby showers so it isn't completely a case of items not being affordable.
I am sure the mum would appreciate people buying things she actually needs than people giving a gift of clothes she might have tons of already as that can be what a lot of people end up buying.

It’s not grabby unless they demanded you take a gift and weren’t welcome to meet the baby unless you did.

It’s just a cultural difference, registry lists for weddings are considered rude in my part of Europe and baby shower registries are another new level! Tbf no one does them except Americans living here and I think they are mostly ignored as people find the concept alienating. Personally, I would find the idea of telling family and friends what to buy me for various events mortifying but for my USA based friends, I just go along with it and purchase something from the registry. I wouldn’t buy something else just to be difficult, however, if nothing if your price range I feel it’s acceptable to buy outside the dictates!

It's common here in Canada to have a baby shower usually in mum's 8th month to help prep her for the new arrival.

If it's her first baby, and if there are quite a few people coming, a list or registry can be helpful. There isn't the obligation to get a registry item, it's just a suggestion. Some friends will go in together on some items if they are a bit pricier.

The point of the baby shower is the gifts. You give a “good” gift then, and an optional token gift when baby is born.

Registries make a lot of sense otherwise you end up with 3 baby baths, four lots of non matching bottles and seventeen different brands of nappies.

You really needed gifts or a gift list? A bit grabby.

I got this message from a friend I really like about gifts for her baby shower and was honestly quite taken aback

“You asked about gifts” (I actually hadn’t and had already bought so think it was a mass message)

“- cute clothes in 3-6 months size (we have been handed down tons of 0-3 size already)

• Toys in wood or silicone (not plastic)
• Books for the baby, ideally interactive
• surprise us”

I don’t know it just felt weird. Maybe because I had already bought a lovely newborn set. I wouldn’t dream of mass messaging that to people, I would give direction if someone asked me maybe. Just made me wonder if that was the main point of the shower

It’s a funny one because to me baby showers with lists seem

1. Grabby
2. Bad luck before baby arrives
3. American import (adds to the grabby feel as it’s not our tradition)

At the same time, I DUCKING HATED dealing with 70+ beautifully wrapped gifts postpartum.

Everything from unwrapping, recycling waste, storing gift bags, removing tags, laundering clothes, storing and sorting by size would have been easier antenatally.

I’m on the fence. I don’t think I could accept gifts before a baby arrives but I wish I could!

Both events had gift lists.