AIBU to find a baby shower wish list a bit grabby?

[Handrearedmagpie]

Friend having baby shower. I freely admit to liking baby showers, which previously have just been groups of female friends/family getting together for cakes, some wee games & a good catch up for the new mum before life gets busy.

However, friend has sent out invites for her baby shower (men included - fine, each to their own) but with an Amazon gift wish list included?!?!?! Like, aren't gifts meant to be given once baby is safely here?! Are we meant to provide good gifts (as opposed to a token baby shower gifts) twice?!

It's been a while since I've been to a baby shower as this friend is younger than me, so maybe I'm just out of date & "wish lists" are a thing? AIBU to think it's grabby??

But I think the poster was responding to other posters who were calling a gathering with no gifts a shower. Gifts make a pre-baby gathering a shower, whether or not there is a registry.

A pre-wedding party where gifts are given. Often there is a theme and the gifts are fairly modest if the attendees are also giving a separate wedding gift. When DH and I got married, our friends gave us a stock-the-bar shower. When my niece got married, she was given a recipe shower. Everyone brought a favorite recipe and dish or pot to cook it in. The hostess had the recipes bound in a book.

I love the idea of a recipe shower (minus the pots) and now wondering how I could have one, I’m always needing dinner ideas 🤣

Well, in the US all you would have to do is drop a hint to a friend. We love any excuse for a shower. Maybe you could host a recipe exchange party, perhaps as a potluck.

One of the nicest showers that I attended was for a friend who was going back to work after having taken several years off while her children were young. Several of us pooled resources and bought her a Coach work bag which she still uses 20 years later. I was also invited to a "divorce shower" for a male friend whose ex got most of the household goods and their dog in the divorce. He was showered with dishes, cutlery, a cookware set, and a Labrador puppy.

I think that the registry is useful, provided that there’s a range of price points and no pressure to purchase more-expensive items only. I didn’t have a baby shower (Canadian living in the UK), but my friends and family back home asked me to make a registry as they wanted to ensure that they could send things that we needed for the baby. Agreed that there’s a cultural difference here and in the UK token gifts for the baby seem more common. That being said, we loved every gift we received and still treasure a lot of them.

And this is the problem here, everyone wanting to do baby showers, hen/stag dos and weddings American style!

I’ve been to multiple types of baby showers, work ones, family, friends, mix sex, fancy limousine pickups taken an hour and half away to 5 star hotel fully paid, but that was all immediate family (mums, grans, aunts, sisters) Not once were gifts asked for or expected. The only time I’ve ever had any requests was based on the parents lifestyle choices (Vegan) but nothing was expected. Also not all British.

if you don’t know the parents well enough to ask what they need or already know, then you stick cash in a card maybe with a token practical gift.

Best gift I ever saw was a very socially unaware man who bought the parents several large packs of bigger sized nappies, they loved it and have admitted the most particle gift ever.

personally I never had showers as I couldn’t stand the thought of people expecting to give me gifts.

This is such a weird bit of revisionism. Baby showers are an American tradition, and the clue is literally in the name: you shower the expectant parent with gifts. That is the custom. You can dislike it, skip it, or hold some gift-free tea-and-cake gathering instead, but pretending gifts are somehow gauche or “doing it American style” at an event whose entire tradition is American and gift-based is ridiculous.

If you personally “couldn’t stand the thought of people expecting to give you gifts,” fine, don’t have a shower. But other people having one in the normal way is not some ghastly collapse of British standards. It is quite literally how baby showers work.

I’m 32, live in the north of England.

I’ve been to about 8 baby showers. Gifts are always given at the baby shower. (Usually send flowers once the baby has been born)

I think only one of the expectant mothers had an Amazon wish list. I wouldn’t say it’s “grabby”, I’d rather buy something that they actually want than something that might not get used or worn.

It's a very old North American tradition from when people had babies much younger and were much poorer, and the community would gather to shower them with baby gifts so they would have what they needed for the new arrival (and the same principle applies to the wedding shower). It comes from a lovely place and was never a grabby thing at all (small gifts were always acceptable) and you don't give another gift when the baby arrives. Also, you only got a shower with the first baby - that was the rule. In this day and age I think an Amazon wishlist is brilliant providing there is a good range of values on there.

The idea is to shower the first time mum with small gifts to help with the baby. I'm in Aus and it's usually wipes, nappies, creams, etc. I don't mind a list for gifts as long as it's reasonable. The shower for my god daughter I just attended she wanted books, wipes, nappies etc. you can buy as little or much as you like.

I don't like expensive pretentious lists though. Invited to a wedding in a few months, very young couple, never lived out of home, have nothing to start with. List we were sent includes £500 vacuum cleaner, £100 sheets, £250 fan/purifier. Oh, and we had to purchase from same list for engagement. Now that's ridiculous.

I think the expectation for the expensive items is in case a group of friends prefer to pool funds together and instead of buying a bunch of smaller items the whole group buys one larger.

It's fine in any circumstances where gifts may be given to OFFER a wishlist and make it abundantly clear that this is only for the convenience of gift givers who would like to use it, if it makes it easier for them to choose something.

And make it clear too that it's fine if they want to give no gift or a gift of their own choosing.

And mean it.

Oh, and yes gifts are definitely given at the shower and zero expectation for a second gift. You can bring flowers or chocolate for mum or something like that once baby is born if you like.