AIBU to find a baby shower wish list a bit grabby?

[Handrearedmagpie]

Friend having baby shower. I freely admit to liking baby showers, which previously have just been groups of female friends/family getting together for cakes, some wee games & a good catch up for the new mum before life gets busy.

However, friend has sent out invites for her baby shower (men included - fine, each to their own) but with an Amazon gift wish list included?!?!?! Like, aren't gifts meant to be given once baby is safely here?! Are we meant to provide good gifts (as opposed to a token baby shower gifts) twice?!

It's been a while since I've been to a baby shower as this friend is younger than me, so maybe I'm just out of date & "wish lists" are a thing? AIBU to think it's grabby??

I wish more people did this it would make things easier i don't think its grabby unless everything on your list is expensive. If there are multiple items in the £10 to £20 range i think thats fine.

I guess that, rather like a wedding list, it means you get the stuff you’re going to use and only get it in quantities you need. One well meaning person bought us a newborn gift of fancy version of something that the NHS explicitly advise not using because it’s a suffocation, overheating and strangulation risk. If they’d asked, I’d have requested some basic (washable!!) clothes for the 6-9 month range: it would have cost them a lot less, and would have actually been used. We also got tons of muslins and only used 3 of them (DC just wasn’t pukey at all).
So I can see the upside - provided people keep their requests to a reasonable price-point!

Think it depends. I accepted an invite to an old work colleagues baby shower (hadn’t seen her for a while and thought it would be a nice way to catch up). Paid my deposit for the meal at the fancy restaurant. Then received the gift list from a friend of the mum with a note saying ‘these are the only gifts (mum) would like to receive as she has a specific theme and colour scheme in mind for all baby’s clothes and things’. List was full of items between £40 and £100 from expensive shops. When I arrived, she had invited about 40 women. They had booked out a room. So it cost me about £80 to attend that shower; and I never spoke to the mum as there were too many people. Didn’t even get a thank you text. Who knows who decided on the level of grabbiness but I’ve not been to a shower of anyone other than close family since.

Funny you didn’t say that before. Even if there were lists for both, it doesn’t mean you have to take a gift for both or even one. You also don’t have to attend.

I always take a gift if I’m invited anywhere. Even if I’m just invited to a friends house for coffee, I take a cake.

Mumsnet is quite a miserable place when it comes to people celebrating things. An adult having a birthday party is the devil on here.

i’m so glad this wasn’t a thing 20+ years ago when I had DC. I loved it when friends visited after the birth and bought cute outfits, mind you then it was rarer to find out the sex so once the baby was born, people bought appropriate outfits. Never had a list, we bought all essentials beforehand so any gift of clothes etc was a bonus.

This and it means you have what you need set up and ready before you have the baby at home with you

Okay, seems that this is the point where you now get the “proper” gift, as opposed to when baby is here, so will go along with that! I actually love a wedding gift list so not sure why I’m struggling so much with the idea of a baby shower one, possibly because there are so many “big ticket” items on it that I would presume parents/grandparents would buy themselves and it’s been made clear that only items off the list are to be given.

I guess I’m just superstitious about buying before baby is here (bad family experiences) but can see why it’s easier for mum to get items beforehand.

What happens after a baby shower if the baby/mother dies in labour? A horrid and tragic outcome obviously but for those who do baby showers traditionally (as in those who have this longstanding tradition) what happens these circumstances?

My daughter had an afternoon tea for close female friends and family members (our family and SIL's family) before her son was born earlier this year and my other daughters organised it. There were 18 of us, 4 generations and it was a fun afternoon. It was suggested that everyone could bring a book for the baby and write a personalised message inside. The messages were very touching and my little grandson already has a good starter library! I hope that the books, in due course, will be handed down and that future generations will also read the sentiments.

It was family that organised both events, not the mum to be. I didn't go to the meet & greet anyway.
I found it grabby as it was two events within 2 months.

What do you mean by what happens? In what way?

Devastating circumstances but also incredibly rare in the grand scheme of things. You could die getting in a car or crossing the road. It’s the last party before parties become a drag.

]Um, there aren’t really “cultural differences” to navigate here. You’re talking about an American custom that was imported into the UK and then complaining that it comes with traditional American etiquette. Baby showers and registries go together in the US. You don’t get to adopt the concept and then act as though the registry is some shocking breach of manners. If you want to have a baby shower, fine, but pretending the American parts of an American tradition are somehow uniquely gauche is ridiculous.

You mean they didn’t force you to attend with gifts both times? Shocker.

I would treat them as events which I’d enjoy and so would be happy to provide a gift for an enjoyable afternoon with someone I presumably love.

People are so miserable. Either take a gift or not or just don’t attend. All this moaning about grabbiness. No one is forcing you to buy anything or even attend.

I say that as someone who has never had a baby shower or a birthday party since I was 7. I chose not to get married partly because I would hate the fuss for me. I am happy to make a fuss of loved ones, including buying them gifts, if that is want that though. I get a nice day at a shower, party or wedding. Lovely!

What’s the cheapest item on the list?

I would decline if they are so grabby.

People are very entitled. If you can’t afford a baby then don’t have one.

Maybe it is me, but I see a gift list as an expectation of a gift.

It’s not just you. And OP has said she has been told not to deviate from the baby shower list, which is even grabbier.

I think baby showers are grabby altogether

The one I went to... people did deviate anyway as the mum to be ended up with 2 baby baths, and also one of those vile nappy cake things.

In principle I think a gift lift is a great thing for a newborn. No one needs 100 sets of 0-3month old clothes. I personally would prefer to buy something practical the parents to be needed so I’m all for it.

but personally I don’t understand the shower before the baby is born. We didn’t assemble anything until about a week before my due date and even then it was the minimum. We were just too worried about something going wrong and coming home to a house full of baby stuff. Once the baby was safely delivered we had all our baby stuff delivered to the house and it was really exciting when people bought gifts for the baby. I’m glad we waited honestly.

Nappy cake makes my teeth itch 🤣 poor woman.

I didn’t have a baby shower because I don’t like the idea?? But have attended many lovely baby showers where there have been no registries - it’s hardly mandatory? And I’m not based in the UK.

Isn’t it a baby ‘shower’ as in you shower the baby with gifts so that is the entire point of the party., what is the point of it otherwise?

But you don’t have to buy one, they can’t force you to.

Would you really turn up to a gathering without a gift though? It’s basic manners really, but people get all worked up about it being grabby, when in reality, the person is providing some sort of get together with food, drink etc and it’s polite to take a gift in part as a thanks for inviting me and in part as a celebration of the baby.

Mumsnet misery combined with getting worked up about the Americanism element. 🙄